Monday, February 16, 2015

That Moment When....

....you find out your kid is fuckin.

Now I'm no dummy, I had an inkling that he might be. When I was coming up, most kids were having sex by their junior year of high school and kids today are a lot faster than most of us were. But the day your suspicions are confirmed, it's almost like the thought never entered your mind before the moment all doubt has been removed.

I like my son's girlfriend - she's cute and sweet and quiet..... yeah, I know. Anyway, I can tell she is as good a girl as they seem to get these days. I can tell she has that "mama" fear when I'm around - she won't even look me in the face most of the time, only speaks when spoken to, that kinda thing. She came over to hang out with him today, which is cool. They were in the living room, watching movies most of the time.

At some point I get up to start cooking and his room is right off the kitchen. I see they're in there. Not my preference, but the door is open and he's just showing her something. I do my initial food prep and go back to my room to answer my phone. As I hang up, I hear a door close - softly. I take my time strolling down the hall, back toward the kitchen, and though I shoulda kicked the bitch open, I gave the door a double tap before opening it, trying to spare myself the aneurism. The door hits him in the back, cause he's leaned up against it, and he kinda rolls around it to intercept me, like "yes, mom?" Don't fucken "yes, mom" me - as he rolls around, I see him adjust the waistband on his sweats and shorty spun off to the other side of the room, putting her back to me and APPEARING to be wiping her mouth. Sure, kisses get sloppy, but I didn't get the feeling that's what was happening. I was sort of dumbstruck in the moment, didn't really know what I was gonna do if the feeling came back into my arms and legs, so I'm glad I was paralyzed and could only manage the words, "I will kill you." He gave me the nervous, lord-dont-let-her-throat-punch-me-but-let-me-front-like-I-got-this-in-front-of-my-girl laugh and I shot him the "mama" I-will-fuck-you-all-the-way-up look and told them to bring they asses up outta there. She couldn't move fast enough and I knew she wanted to crawl up under the floorboards and die. They returned to the couch as I went back to cooking, contemplating the little talk he and I were DEFINITELY going to be having later.

I'm SUPER annoyed going back to my room, like.... I straight wanna punch him in the face. But I keep it cute, not so much because I don't want to embarrass him, but because I don't want to embarrass her. I'm in my room about an hour before I'm back in the kitchen to check on the roast and now he's tonguing her down on the couch. He sees me coming and pauses, giving me this dumb as look, which was met with a death stare of my own, but he clearly didn't get the message, because when I snuck a peak a few moments later, he was back at it. Now I'm fuming but I still don't want to set it off. I hold my mule. I finish dinner, girlfriend joins us and shortly thereafter, he goes to walk her to the bus. Very luckily for him, I've had time to calm myself and actually choose more productive words than those I was originally going to have for him, and when I called him into my room, I felt good about him not being carried back out on a gurney.

I kept it short and sweet, telling him although I expect his behavior outside of my presence to be representative of me, WHATEVER he might be doing out there, when he's in MY house, he is going to be respectful of my presence. That's not his room, its my room that I allow him use of while I am feeding and clothing him for the next year and a half of his life. I told him that I hope the kissing and cuddling is all he's doing but should that not be the case, I hope he is being responsible. He goes, "VERY responsible."

Enter cardiac arrest. I continue.

... and that because I do know other things could potentially be happening, if he needed me to provide him with means to be responsible.... "I'm good, mom. I got it."

*clears throat*

Okay. Get out.

For all those out there wondering, it doesn't feel better knowing. But I do appreciate the fact that he, in so many words, told me. I don't all the way know what I'm supposed to do now, or feel now, or.... drink now lol. Yeah, I definitely need a drink NOW.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Hollywood Game Night Interview

So... I SMASHED the Skype joint. That said, I hated it LOL!

They prep you so much in advance and between questions to be animated and energetic that I felt like I was on crack. Now I get why those spots are always so corny - they make you feel like you have to be super over the top to get the gig. The lady loved me, there was no doubt about that. She kept telling me how cute I was. I still don't know if I'm in there though. It looks good - she told me to send her a bunch more pictures of me and the kids and game nights and get-togethers at the house so I'm assuming I've got a pretty good shot. Guess I'll know pretty soon because the first day of taping for the season is going to be March 10th. I'll have to keep yall posted but if I do get on the show, I don't wanna hear NOTHING about damn corny my intro is. And I totally told them the story about how I got promoted the day I was going to quit so I might need that $25,000 after they fire my ass LOL.

Sheesh.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Heyyyyyy, Ms. Maura

Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder, I get a call from Burbank. I don't recognize the number so I don't answer it. Seconds later I have a voice mail and I'm curious so I check it right away. It's some lady named Maura who says she's calling about my application to be on Hollywood Game Night.... I saw that. Don't judge me LOL

I completely forgot I ever registered for consideration - it was back in like May - and I certainly had no real expectation of anybody calling me about it. But lo and behold, here's Maura. So I called her back and she asked me to tell her a little bit about myself. Of course, I have no idea what to say, but I rattle off a handful of stats and add how much my son and I love the show. She's super sweet and all kinds of California perky so when she said we were going to play a couple of games and then do a pop quiz, I was all about it.

The game we played was "How do they doo it" (or something to that effect lol) and it calls for me to "sing" a song using "doo's" instead of the lyrics. I never felt so ridiculous in all my life but it really was kind of fun. Then she gave me a pop quiz consisting of probably 30 pop culture questions, the majority of which I got right. She said she was passing me through to the next round of consideration which would be a Skype interview with a couple of the show's producers and a replay of the game we played and another pop quiz. She gave me homework so I could be as prepared as possible and at that point, I went into the kitchen and put the phone on speaker so my son could hear. He lost his whole entire shit, LMAOOOO! Now he's gonna be quizzing me all damn night...smh

So I don't know how this is all gonna turn out, but tell me WHO but me would this happen to? LOL If nothing else I will have a blast making a gotdamn fool of myself tomorrow night even if I don't make the cut. I absolutely do love the show so it would all be worth it, no matter the outcome. But just think..... what if they do select me? That would be soooooooo DOPE! LOL Consider this an exclusive though because I'm not telling anybody else about this unless I get the gig - Whaaaaaaat? LOL

Anyway, I'll let ya know.

Friday, January 30, 2015

You want me to do what, now?

Woo, Lawd, the NERVE on this nigga LOL.... smh.

So New Year's weekend, I'm on Facebook and I see a post from a guy I know stating that he had just totaled his car. He's posted pics which clearly show he is lucky to be alive, let alone not injured in any way, and he's asking for any friends he has in the area who can lend some assistance to do so. "The area" in question happens to be about an hour away from me but while I did somewhat grow up with this guy, we haven't had so much as a Facebook conversation in like 4 years and it was probably another 4 before that. Clearly he's got friends closer than me who will offer to assist.

So I'm watching the thread and everybody's happy he's safe but nobody's offering to help the guy. Like I said, me and homie are not active participants in each other's lives at all but in the end it started to annoy me that people who I KNOW were in a better position to help him just sat on their hands while this nigga stranded in the freezing cold and snow. So I hit him up like yo.... I dont even know how much help this is since I don't have a car and can't come get you but I am only an hour away so if you can manage to get here, I can at least offer you a place to crash for the night and you can figure out your next move. He says he's got a carload of shit because he was relocating and asked if it would be okay to keep it at my house until he can come back to get it. I have the space - sure, that's fine. Long story and $160 cab ride later, he lands on my couch, then hops a flight out to Orlando the next day, taking as much as he could carry. He says he'll be back in a couple weeks for the rest. Cool.

He's texting me from the airport about a letter he left in his jacket. Apparently his baby mama gave it to him before he left and he wasnt supposed to read it until he got to Florida. How cute. *RME* Now had he asked me to grab it and read it to him, I'd have been cool. I mean, I dont know the broad, what's it to me? But of course, he dont want me to get it and read it to him, he wants me to mail it to him. Um... okay. I agreed to mail it just like he agreed to text me the address when he got there. That didnt happen for another 2 days, so since it wasnt a priority to him, it wasnt a priority to me. He waited like a week to ask if I ever mailed it and of course by then, I had totally forgotten about the damn letter. How about I just put it back in your pocket and you can just read the shit when you come back? Pretty sure it doesn't contain the key of life.

"A couple weeks" came this past Wednesday when he showed up with his friend to collect the rest of his belongings. It was a quick and painless process despite the 6pm arrival actually being 10pm. We hadn't had a ton of contact outside of him rescheduling the pick up 3 times but I still felt relieved to have closed that loop once his stuff was gone. Hugs. Thanks. Deuces.

This morning I get a text. I swear to God, I could not make this up:

"So I was thinking, so you dont have or need a car, dont you want to help me out and put a car in your name for me? :)"

*staring into the camera*

No. Not even a little bit. I said as much. The NERVE on this nigga, LOL.

What kinda hoodbooger shit is that to.......... sigh. Ok, yeah, I pimped out the couch for a night and played POD to your shit for 3 weeks but that's a small thing, my nigga. Put a car in my name? Like... a whole car? LOL Just the magnitude of that shit has me on chuckle right now, like YOOOOOUUUUUUUUU cannot be serious LOL. And he asked that shit like he was asking for some gum, like it was really no big deal! Un-fucken-believable, people are. And now that I think about it, I remember him saying to his homeboy something about now he just gotta get a car and then commenting something about needing to get somebody to put it in their name, but I didn't think anything of it. I know a nigga wasn't expecting ME to be like "Oh, I'll do it for you." What? LOL I don't have a car because no, I don't really need one, but holla - I DONT EVEN HAVE A CAR but Ima put one in my name for YOU so you can fuck up my ability to get one if I should so choose? You aint even my man! Hell, we aint even fuckin! LMAOOOOOOOOOOO! I mean at least be able to check ONE of them damn boxes before you position your lips to get knocked clean off your face! The nerve! Oh, I cant. I. CANNOT. That shit feels straight disrespectful right now LMAO!

Where my glass at..... SMH

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Whitney

So here are my thoughts…..

I HATE Yaya DaCosta, and I mean WITH. A. PASSION. But I have to admit there were moments that she was really giving me Whitney. I mean, she really did the research, watching footage, studied Whitney, all that, because I SAW Whitney at times. What threw me most was her voice. It was too high-pitched and prevented me from really buying in. But I have to give credit where credit is due and Yaya definitely gave me more than I expected from her, all things considered. I can’t front, that “I will always love you” performance scene at the end kinda got me…. But I might have just been at the funeral all over again.

Bobby, on the other hand….. um….. LOL. There was nothing about this nobody they casted that gave me Bobby Brown. NOTHING. He wasn’t a bad actor. He just wasn’t BOBBY.

Now the music…… I love Deborah Cox. LOVE Deborah Cox. And even though there are some aspects of her voice that are reminiscent of Whitney’s, its not nearly close enough that her renditions of Whitney’s songs make me feel close. What’s disappointing is that there are so many Youtube stars who do. I heard a couple Whitney tributes on Youtube that if I weren’t looking at the screen, I would have thought WERE Whitney. Why not pay some nobody who actually sounds like her to do the tracks?

Wesley Jonathan as Babyface? Really tho? Son, LOL. SMH. But Clive Davis was 100% CLIVE DAVIS.

I found it interesting that Angela Bassett chose to put Whitney’s drug use on front so early. She made a clear assertion that Whitney was doing the shit before Bobby, which is something I always suspected. Not that its facts just because its in this movie, but I think it was always just more comfortable for people to believe that America’s princess got dragged into that lifestyle by this bad boy, ruffneck dude from Boston who nobody thought she should have ever been with.

To be honest, I felt like this movie was more about Bobby than it was about Whitney. I don’t feel the movie did her life justice at all and I wasn’t shocked that this was the case. VH-1 and Lifetime suck at biopics, mainly because they don’t want to spend the money to do them justice. The stories they choose to tell simply can’t adequately be told in 2 hours. They can’t. There was SO much left untold and unexplored that we as the public know about, it just felt empty. The most key moments in the public space of Whitney Houston were necessary to tie it all together and they just weren’t there. There were moments – including Bobby’s proposal, as told from his own mouth in the interview afterwards, and the murder of his friend – that were not even close to how they actually occurred that really annoyed me. I wanted to give Angela Bassett credit, as a friend who probably had really intimate conversations with Whitney, trying to tell the story that was untold or misinterpreted, but when you know the story and you see it not playing out the way it went….. I’m just disappointed. But I expected to be. It was way too soon for this and VH-1 or Lifetime was not the vehicle by which it should have come. Period.

So with that, I am going to digress on any further commentary. As an idol of mine, Whitney, I feel, deserved better representation. And I don’t mean in terms of making her look good, because we all know her life was just a mess after a certain point. I mean in terms of telling her story. Remember her right, you know what I’m saying? I’m sorry. I’m salty.

Friday, January 16, 2015

I quit! Wait.....what? LOL

Son. I don't know why the Lord be playing games with me but I really feel like He be up in Heaven just thinking of ways to fuck with me and be cracking Himself up doing it. He knows good and daggone well I was planning to quit my job. How I end up with a promotion and a 33% raise? LOL

Well I'll tell you how.

A couple of days ago I was presented with the possibility of being promoted (replacing someone else who quit, funny enough) and during the course of this conversation a few things became clear.... First, our CMO would have to approve it. Understand that I kinda cant stand our CMO and in my mind, I'm thinking she probably aint all that fond of me either (I'm vocal. She's an idiot. Do the math.) Second, she has the choice to either veto my boss's recommendation and put someone else in the role (although I'm by far the most suited for it of her choices) or she could eliminate the role and divvy up the projects amongst the other managers. This is the less desirable option for a number of reasons but given the state of affairs, could very well happen, also for a number of reasons. Boils down to putting someone in the role would be the best decision for the business AND I'm the best person for it. That said and some other BS factoring in, I made (and voiced to my boss) the decision that if this was not the direction she chose to go in, I felt I would have no choice but to resign. I knew he wasn't going to tell our CMO that, but I was stressed the hell out last night because I just KNEW she was gonna pull some sucka shit and I'd have to give my notice. It didn't help that the meeting about it, which was supposed to take place first thing this morning, didn't actually happen until just before lunch time. In my mind... yeah. It's about to be some bullshit LOL. It was in the sense that she didn't woman up and make the offer to me herself, as per proper protocol, but she "authorized" my boss to do it. He was more than happy to do it and I was more than happy to be sitting down with him as opposed to her, so at the end of the day, I got my promotion, I got my raise, and I got Monday off despite the fact that the company refused to acknowledge it as a "closed for business" holiday. Fuck that, I'M closed for business.

So I made God laugh again, telling Him my plans, but I don't think this happened so I could stay with my company. I think I'm still supposed to leave (and I still plan to) but now I'm in a position to leave for something higher paying and on a higher level and I can be a lot more comfortable in the meantime. See, I don't always know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but God does. And even while He's sitting up there laughing at my lack of vision, He always points at the end result and goes "See what I did there?" LOL

Me: I do. Good lookin out. *pound*

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

#Unbothered



This here is my personal philosophy so imagine my delight when it was the first thing I saw, in bold ass letters, in an entire essay somebody wrote about fucks not given. I LOVED it! LOL I'm SO buying that guy a drink if I ever meet him. For real though - I am of the general opinion that a failure to grasp and master this concept is the reason people can't find their happy. You just cant let yourself give a fuck all the time. Giving a fuck attaches you to shit and attaching yourself to shit means putting skin in the game. Now you're tied to the outcome of a situation that never needed to impact your life in any way save that you chose to give a fuck. Same way you pick your battles, pick your fucks. If that shit aint gonna matter in 6 months, dont let it matter today. There's plenty of things you HAVE to give a fuck about so why add unnecessary shit to the list? The sooner you get a grip on what actually matters in your life and become #unbothered by the shit that dont, the happier you'll be.

Slowly but surely, 2015 is turning into an exercise in fucks not given. It hasn't even been a conscience effort; when the situation calls for it, I just instinctively do not give a fuck LOL. I think maybe the older people get, the easier it is to know when something or someone is simply not worth giving time or energy to. I'm human so something might get me in the moment like "No this muthafucka didn't...." but in pretty short order, that shit becomes so irrelevant. It really is quite freeing, actually. Yall should try it LOL.