Thursday, January 28, 2016

Oh no....

Today has been a trying one, to say the least. On top of everything else that didn’t go quite right, I managed to lose my keys. I NEVER lose my keys. I can’t even concentrate now. it’s like leaving home without your cell phone, or without a belt. Once I put my keys in my pocket, I never see or think about them again until I get home and pull them out to unlock the doors, but knowing now that they’re NOT in my pocket is like…. Im out here with no safety net lol. no bottle opener, no compass, no shopper’s club key tags… and every time I hear somebody in this office jiggle their keys, I look up as if they had found mine and were wondering whose they are lol. I literally cannot focus right now.

This is some bullshit.




**Update**

Apparently I left them home on the counter where I keep them. HUGE weight lifted off my chest but now I'm confused as to how I managed to do that. Whatever. Crisis averted.

I'll be drinking before my coat comes off.... smh

Monday, January 18, 2016

Trusting the Process

Started my new job a week ago today and all I can say is "Thank God, I made it!" For the first 3 days, I literally thought my boss was insane. By Friday morning, I was convinced of it LOL. I mean, the things this man was tasking me to do not even a week into it just seemed... unreasonable, and having just a few hours to complete most of them was even more crazy. Granted, I rose to the challenge, but I did so thinking the whole time that it was too much to expect of somebody brand new to the game and I wondered if I had gotten myself in over my head. Just when I thought I might have made a huge mistake, it all became clear.

It happened after I blundered my way through a spot presentation of all the things I had picked up during the week. I felt unprepared, nervous, inadequate... but I did what I was asked, fielding trip-up questions along the way and just wanting so badly for it to be over. The feedback was tremendous. My boss apologized that I was, at times, visibly overwhelmed but appreciated the fact that I stuck with it. He was fully aware that what he was asking of me was a lot but he was looking for me to do exactly what I did; push through it and show up like a vet. After all, if I could do and learn all those things, sometimes with just a couple hours notice, what I could do and learn when given time and resources would make me a real asset.

I was really proud of myself when I left the office on Friday. I'm looking forward to a successful journey. But the experience also reminded me of how God works - you might have no understanding why your steps are being ordered in a particular way, but there is always a method to the madness and when you get where you're going, you'll understand. You just have to trust the process. #message

Thursday, December 31, 2015

2016 on Deck

Had the longest conversation with one of my girls today - 5 hours. I don't think we've done that since..... ever LOL. But sometimes it's necessary and if there is ever a time to cover that kind of ground, its on New Year's Eve. As we enter into a new year, many of us are probably having these conversations with friends - or we should be. It's a time to reflect on the year you've had and look ahead to what you want to accomplish going forward. This might require more than thinking, but actually talking to somebody.... so they can call you on your bullshit LOL.

I went through a whole series of emotions thinking last night about the year I've had. In retrospect, I wouldn't change any of it. I learned so much; mostly about my limits and just how far I allow someone or something to push me before I will move no more. Other people learned about my limits too LOL.

*sips tea*

I'm not making any resolutions this year except to be a better me. Besides, I'm way too flawed to prioritize one or two to focus on LOL. So I'm gonna give my "issues" the floor; each to step up in their own time to be righted. Let the universe decide.

I did treat myself to a seafood feast for my birthday (at midnight) but after the mussels and the shrimp and scallops, all in a wine/butter/garlic sauce, I have NO room left for the crab legs. But that's quite alright - they will be just as delicious tomorrow - God willing.

With that, I bid you all adieu and Happy New Year. May 2016 bring you everything you deserve...

*sips tea*

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Did you hear the news???

I got a new job! It's about damn time! I'll be taking a step down from management but the financial upside alone is worth it and there will be growth opportunities in no time. You know what I always say; sometimes you have to take a step back in order to move forward in the right direction. I'm excited and nervous at the same time but I have faith in my abilities and I work hard so I know it's gonna be okay.

I thought I would be looking forward to quitting my current job but now that I'm about to, it's bittersweet. The company has a lotta shit it needs to get together but I'll miss working with some of the people. I also know the bosses are not going to be happy at all with my leaving and they're probably gonna pull out all the stops to get me to stay. Unfortunately, too little and FAR too late. Besides, I've been there long enough to know that anything they give you can and likely will at some point be taken away. There's no loyalty there and the only thing worse than a bunch of disloyal muthafuckas is a bunch of disloyal muthafuckas cutting my checks. No, thank you, sir.

I will do them the courtesy of working the week since I wont be starting the new gig until the week after my vacation ends. I'll make sure everything is properly handed over to whomever will be taking the reins on my projects and my team. Might even donate some deals to my team since I'm quite sure the powers that be will find some way to screw me out of those commissions anyway given that they wouldn't be paid until weeks after I'm gone. SOMEBODY ought to get paid.

So this is definitely a season of cheer for me and I'm definitely looking forward to bigger, better chapters. Speaking of, I'm literally writing some new ones while I'm on vacation. There are 2 things I'm promising myself to do this year as I turn 40; get a passport and publish ONE book. You heard it here first!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Forgiveness vs Moving On

Sometimes people confuse forgiveness with moving on. Forgiveness comes with acceptance; accepting that you may never get that money back, that you may never get an apology or never get someone to even admit that they were wrong. Forgiveness sometimes means taking a loss and being okay with it so you can move forward freely and progressively.

When you just move on, you simply get past the situation, but you drag it along with you, shackled to your ankles. That progression, if there is any, is labored, not free. At any time, that situation could arise in conversation or in thought and it will take you right back to the place you were emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Forgiveness is about letting shit go. LET IT GO.

You haven't forgiven if everything you have to say about a person or situation is followed by a "but..."

You haven't forgiven if you're constantly bringing up their repeated history.

You haven't forgiven if you can't be family until you get your money back.

That said, forgiving people their transgressions does not mean welcoming them back into your space. It is perfectly acceptable to forgive and walk away. Forgiveness does not mean putting yourself back in the position of being used, played and taken advantage of and if you happen to be, you can't put that on anybody but you, especially since you claim to know what this person is about. Mature people who have had enough should feel absolutely fine saying, "Look, I forgive you. We family; I love you... but there is no place in my life for people who do what you continue to do. You need to go find yourself, but I do wish you the best."

In that order.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Lort...

Jesus.

Went to my company Christmas party last night, fully intending to only be there an hour or so like I do every year and apparently ended up staying nearly the entire time. They gave out awards periodically throughout the night and I wound up getting employee of the year....

*staring into the camera*

Figures. It's not like I didn't earn it - I totally deserved that shit - but I think the bosses got wind of the fact that I was leaving and it was an effort to placate me. I mentioned at some point yesterday that I wasn't feeling too good and might not go to the party and one of them basically threatened [jokingly] to rain hell on my entire department if I didn't LOL. Now I get it.

So after I win this award, which actually was in the first hour or so of my being there, everybody and their mama suddenly wants to do shots with me. I DONT DO SHOTS. But I did them last night. Total setup.

I don't remember leaving the club but I do remember standing on a corner somewhere trying to find my Uber. This is the thing; the party was in Manhattan and I live in New Jersey. I only intended to take the Uber to the PATH station about a 5 minute drive away. $48 dollars later (according to my receipt) I done took the shit ALL THE WAY HOME LOL. Fine. In my apparent condition, it was probably the best thing I could have done.

I wake up this morning like okay, I'm home, in my own bed, BY MYSELF LOL, good. But the last thing I remember is waiting for the Uber. I get up and my son is giving me that look a parent gives a child the morning after that child stumbles in after their first night of horrible decisions and he's like "You alright?" The conversation that follows includes a hilarious flurry of walking into walls, mumbling undecipherable somethings and throwing my keys on the kitchen floor LOL. In the process I find my dress on the floor of my room and my coat, which clearly has seen better days. There is vomit all on it. Of course, I start looking around at that point, but there is no trace of any vomit anywhere else and I don't feel the grossness that comes with having vomited the night before so I put two and two together and come to the nastiest conclusion one can muster..... somebody threw up on me. Disgusted. Totally. The only thing worse is the thought of the office on Monday, where I will no doubt get bits of shit I said or did that are completely unbecoming but will, if nothing else, help me piece together the rest of the night. But at least I can take comfort in knowing I didn't go home with anyone, didn't actually throw up myself and even in a drunken stupor, I still made my way safely home.

The miracle in all this shit is that I am not the least bit hung over. I can't imagine, for the life of me, how I'm not after 3 jack and cranberries (no ice) and at least 4 shots of fireball and tequila, but I'm grateful. That hangover would be HELL. So thank you to the liquor gods for having your girl's back and thank you to the Uber angels who take care of pitiful party-goers like me at their worst. Don't remember the guy AT ALL but how could I not rate him 5 stars after that? LOL

SMH.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Tending the Garden

Wow, October 7th was my last post? Sheesh! But I mean, I was busy sucking at life so..... LOL.

That's probably not an accurate summation because all things considered, I could be a lot worse off, but it has definitely been a stressful few months. It took me about two weeks to process the conversation with my father and when I finally got around to blogging about it, I couldn't find the words to accurately convey my feelings. Suffice it to say that I got exactly what one should expect from a man who would go 20-some-odd years without speaking to his child and the expectation of anything greater was simply naïve and wishful thinking. That said, the door remains open and he has been informed that he should feel free to call whenever he feels compelled to do so. We have had 2 markedly shorter and equally empty conversations since the first, which on some level might be labeled progress, but any bright ideas formerly held in regard to going to see him in Detroit no longer exist. That is all I have to say about that.

I've walked off my job 3 different times since my last post and seriously considered each time never going back, but the family I am responsible for feeding and providing shelter for did not allow that course of action. I spent a few legitimate days "sick" after a panic attack I had in the office but things have since leveled out, or I should say, returned to its NORMAL level of bullshit. I am actively looking for another gig now (finally) so I hope to be making a move early in the new year, despite being put back into the management position that was pulled out from under me back in July (uh huh). I'm happy to make more money while I'm here, sir, of course I will accept your kind offer in lieu of an apology...... *eye roll*...... but trust and believe this changes NOTHING.

Safe to say I've been lightweight depressed for a little while now but it didn't present in the recognizable ways so I was unaware until very recently. Until the last few days, I haven't been speaking to ANYONE [offline] except the two little people who live in my house. It was like some kinda self-imposed - but subconscious - real world blackout. Even the online interactions were minimal. In hindsight, I think part of me didn't want to have to explain what was (and wasn't) going on in my life, but I'm really not one to do that anyway, so it was an irrational response. Another part of me didn't want to be "the doctor" anymore; I didn't want to hear about anybody's shit because I was going through my own BUT also didn't want to talk about it - inherent conflict. I was also feeling frail and naked and unworthy and invisible and a whole host of other foreign feelings that made me supremely uncomfortable. In that discomfort, I fell apart and so did just about everything else. Then last week an opportunity [at work] came my way and I DECIDED I was going to put 110% into making it happen and you know what? I did. And for the first time in a long time, I could see daylight. I still have some weeding and sprucing to do tending this here garden, but I can see... DAYLIGHT. I wanna do things again. I wanna go places, I wanna meet people, I wanna reconnect with the world.... but maybe not all at once LOL. Let me take these baby steps and get all the way back to me.... and then I'll get back to you.