Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I Aint Nobody's Jesus

I aint nobody’s Jesus
But I’ve died a thousand and one deaths to let some other live
Thrown myself on my own sword to give
Some other an opportunity they never take
To grow… Learn… Love
The way God intended
Or at least the God in me, but I mean

I aint nobody’s Jesus
Still I never leave home without a pocket full of nails
Just in case there’s some sacrifice to be made along the way
On any given day, I tell you….
I am likely to propel myself clean off the top of mount anywhere
Just to spare some soul the devil’s already changed a 20 for

Like I’m somebody’s Jesus
But here I am, once again,
Taking a loss up on this cross… Well…. cross-ROADS anyway
Just so I can keep the fantasy and you’ll be able to say
That there is still some love in your life that you haven’t tainted
Still someplace where you’re appreciated……. For once, not hated
Understanding finds its way in the silence and suddenly I want that for you too

I aint your Jesus, but I’ll do it……… for you.

One thousand and TWO.

Monday, March 24, 2014

*Crickets*

Yeah so...... nothing went down today. Nobody said anything at all to me about the employment verification call last week. I wasn't sure if it was because our big boss is in town and the bitch we report to in the office knows the admin shouldn't have divulged that information or if it was just a really bad game of telephone and the information was grossly misrelayed as it traveled through the grapevine...... but nobody said anything. My immediate supervisor must have completely forgotten because she definitely would have asked me about it had she remembered. She's just nosy like that. I still have no idea who it was that called either. The company I am hoping for an offer from claims to not have made the call and the head hunter I had been working with said he only called the previous employers I provided as references and okayed him to call. Im not gonna put too much more energy into figuring it out. Im just gonna hope it continues to get swept under the rug. That being said, just because no one has mentioned it yet, doesn't mean they aren't going to. I am not quite ready to let my guard down.

One more thing I wanna get off my chest tonight - I absolutely cannot stand people who use other people's suffering as a platform for their own agendas. Sometimes you should just say "please offer them my condolences" and carry your ass on to bed. All this wanting this person or that person to call you at work tomorrow with info on the wake when you hardly knew the person who passed is doing too much. Okay, you wanna pay your respects and show your support for the ONE FRIGGIN PERSON in the family you did have a little bit of rapport with..... take your ass by the house with a card or something. You don't need to be showing up at the wake just to be damn seen and its always the people that's super needy in that regard (just NEED to be seen doing some shit) that violate the most. MOST of this family don't even fuck with you. Like literally DO NOT FUCK WITH YOU. On top of that, they are mourning the loss of one of the most beloved members of an entire family of beloved members and you think somebody gonna make it their business to call YOU bout some services that I promise you they wont even understand why you're trying to go to? WTF is wrong with you? 1-800-Flowers and sit your ass down somewhere.....

UGH!

Friday, March 21, 2014

The Bullshit

So Im off today.

Somewhere around lunchtime I get a text from a teammate of mine giving me the heads up that a company I interviewed with called for an employment verification and our admin told the bitch we report to about it. The bitch we report to then told my manager who in turn asked my teammate if she was aware I was looking AND whether she herself was looking. "I would expect her to pull you to the side on Monday" was what I got.

This is the stupid part - a couple days ago a call came to MY desk regarding employment verification for someone. I didn't think much of it because this wasn't the first time a front desk call found its way to my desk for some odd reason. One of my other coworkers had recently put in her notice so I assumed the verification was for her or some other employee I wasn't aware was leaving. I mean it couldn't possibly be for me, right? I hadn't been given an offer so there was no reason anyone would be calling on my behalf. Ohhhhh but they were.

On the advice of my HR homie, I emailed the recruiter I have been working through for the opportunity at this particular company I have been waiting for a decision from. She had no idea what was going on, stating that any call for employment verification should have come from her [third party recruiting] company not the hiring company itself.

Ok then we both getting fucked over.

So now I gotta go in on Monday (Im off today) and deal with the barrage of questions behind this total mishandling of process. Not only do I have to deal with this bs but I have to do it during a week when my the big bosses are gonna be in town. The good news is that Im killing it at work so any potential decision for them to want to let me go wont be easily come to, but if you know anything about my company, you know they don't do the shit you expect or that makes sense. I could be walking into ANYTHING. I just wanna go on record as saying that I am not about to be that chick....... UNLESS they get on the bullshit LOL. Im telling you now, let em try it. Im turning up!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Aunt Rea

Having to tell a child that one of their favorite family members has gone to be with Jesus is one of the hardest things any parent will ever have to do. Today my kids lost the aunt we all had; the one that spoiled us and gave us any and everything we ever asked for and made no apologies to our parents because she didn't have kids of her own..... the aunt that we could count on to slide us a couple dollars whenever we came to visit and always had candy stashed away in some corner of her bedroom. That was Aunt Rea and my kids will miss her dearly - my daughter especially. It's been relatively quiet in here since I broke the news, but I know the silence is riddled with memories of pitty pat, online shopping and weekly trips to the casino.

She loved that casino, boy.

Rest in peace, Aunt Rea.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

#FFT

I dont support every statement this man makes but I do happen to agree with his take on the things directly related to the relationships between our women and our men. If nothing else, its food for thought and you know Im a fan of anything that makes you think.


Saturday, March 15, 2014

Violation

I remember a few years back when a slew of well-renown actors were bitching and moaning about people from other areas of entertainment deciding to try their hands at acting. When Ludacris started doing a buncha movies, Samuel L. Jackson had a FIT and I remember thinking WTF is the big deal? These are not roles you would have even entertained; he isn't taking food off your table. Why do you care if he wants to expand his horizons and take a shot in your industry? How well or bad he fares has no bearing on you or make you any less of a monster at what you do. What is the fucken problem? I really did not understand..... until now.


Luda is probably not the best example because I feel like he has pretty decent chops to not have formally studied, but Samuel L. Jackson and others like him spent years, if not their whole lives, honing their crafts. Others still, who may not have had to work as long or hard, carry their art in their very bones. You can’t blame them for taking exception to someone “infiltrating” the game and not appearing to take it seriously. It’s the reason for all the mad rappers and the seemingly petty runway beefs all these bloggers stay writing about. You heard Erykah Badu; true artists really are sensitive about their shit.


That being said, I’m struggling today. I’m struggling with hurt feelings and disrespect and all-around piss poor execution of a book that was no more helpful to anybody than it was entertaining. In my opinion, it failed miserably on both counts and the fact that the author used and took credit for ideas of MINE – words that have come from this very blog and private conversations between her and I – unfortunately overshadows the courage and personal growth this project was purposed for. I feel violated, both personally and as an artist. Some things should just be…… I don’t know….. spoken about in high school assemblies across the nation and not half-assed into a literary work.


And that’s all Im gonna say about it.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Happy Sunday!

Happy Sunday, people. What's going on in my universe today?

Well, I'm 5 days into my meat fast for Lent. You'd think that wasn't saying much since I only eat poultry anyway, but it's been a lot tougher than I expected. I never feel like I really eat a lot of meat but over the last couple of days, I've come to realize that I kinda sneak my meat in. I have it in the form of spicy chicken sausages, turkey bacon-wrapped dates and other subtle shit like that that I really don't think about when I think "meat". I also take for granted since most places tend to have fish at the time that I order it that they ALWAYS have it. At lunch with my coworkers on Friday I almost had to make do with beer nuts LOL. Of all the days to not be having fish, a Friday? SMH. Luckily I stumbled across a veggie burger on the menu, which actually happened to be quite amazing, and all was well. Not gonna lie though - I almost bailed on this endeavor that day, and don't judge me if I eventually do LOL, but I think I really need this test of will right now. CAN I do it? Sure. If I can quit smoking, I can do anything (4 months smoke-free, btw). The real challenge is following through simply because I said I would. If I tell you, her, him, them or anybody else that I'm going to do something, you can bet your rent money its gonna be done. Unfortunately, I don't tend to show the same level of commitment to ME. I break promises to myself all the time and its a habit I really need to break. It creates a subconscious avenue of justification for putting myself second to other people which only tills the soil for insecurity to seed and grow. I'm a few dating updates short of y'all being all caught up, but until I get around to it, suffice it to say that aint nobody got time for that.

I'm also creating the vision board I've been wanting to do since forever and just never prioritized. I didn't think to do this until just now but I may parlay that into a writing project as well. The objective is to add something to the board every day through Easter, so maybe I will post about every item I add. Not sure if or how that will work out but I'll put a strong effort behind it. Let's see how it goes. I mean I do have a little more time on my hands now that I'm not in school. My initial leave of absence ended February 4th and I reported for class for about two weeks before I realized I just had no desire to be there. I mean ZERO interest. Part of it is I didn't love the curriculum. I was taking the Masters in Organizational Development to stack with my Masters in Psychology, thinking jointly they would be the perfect setup for me to go into occupational therapy but those first two classes were an absolute SNOOZEFEST. If they were any indication of what was to come, there was no way I was gonna get through it. So I withdrew from the class and initiated another six-week leave of absence in which to either find a program I am more connected to or come to the decision that one Masters is enough. I'm leaning toward the latter because further introspection leads me to believe that school either has been or was becoming a means of hiding from life and I don't wanna do that anymore either.

Clearly we've got some catching up to do but bear with me; some of the words are still forming. You know how that goes, but the weather is breaking. You know how that goes too. There shall be fuckery afoot LOL. But its okay. I'll embrace it LOL.

Y'all be easy.