Saturday, August 29, 2015

Family Ties

There's no other place I could have possibly ended up tonight but in here.

For starters, my mother came into town yesterday. I had been dreading it, to be perfectly honest, because with the exception of the couple of emails that set up this trip, we hadn't spoken since 4th of July weekend and it wasn't the fuzziest of partings. The midgets were dreading it too because she's got a tendency to be miserable and crotchety when she's here to the point that I often wonder why she even bothers. But to my surprise, she was refreshingly upbeat and, dare I say, pleasant LOL. She looked incredible too - like 15 pounds lighter and 10 years younger type incredible. Telling her so seemed to make her beam even more and I had this strange sense of gladness that I was able to. Like it would linger in her thoughts. I hope it does.

I didn't attend the party with her both because I didn't want to (LOL) and because I had other plans. My cousin had put together a surprise birthday dinner for my aunt. We have been trying to get together for all the time I've been down here but just haven't been able to make it happen, so when I got the text about the shindig and it was in a place I knew I could get to, I was all in. Something I haven't divulged yet is that a few weeks ago, I got a call from my father. I missed it, so he left me a voice mail. My call back resulted in a voice mail as well and we still haven't connected. I had no real idea who would be at the dinner but I knew he wouldn't have flown up from Detroit on such notice. It didn't stop me from briefly imagining his among the faces I might scan as I entered the restaurant, but I knew he wouldn't be there.

And he wasn't.

But I had the pleasure of sharing the evening with his near-twin, my uncle, who I adore despite not having spoken to him in at least 8 or 9 years and not having seen him in - get this - 24. TWENTY-FOUR YEARS. In fact, I hadn't seen anybody in that room in that long, with the exception of my aunt, who I saw about 16 years ago, when my sister died. Ain't that some crazy shit? But even though it had been that long since I had been around them, it wasn't awkward, uncomfortable or anything and I didn't feel at all like an outsider. Though I hadn't seen her, my aunt had been the glue that kept me in the family fold, making sure she kept in touch over the years, sent birthday money to the midgets, who she still has never met, and being instrumental in the hopeful reconnection I'm on the brink of making with my father. She's the reason I have any relationship at all with my father's side of the family and I am grateful. I wouldn't have missed this opportunity to celebrate her for the world. And I had such a good time with everybody. SUCH a good time. My uncle and I have promised to do a better job being in touch and seeing each other, as did his daughter and I. Now 31, she was like 8 the last time I saw her.... SMH. I'm 39 years old and I've never had pictures of myself with anyone from that side of my family before tonight. It's kind of a big deal.

Now the only thing I want out of life is to have a picture of myself with my father. There's no safety in that desire. At all. But though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.

Friday, August 21, 2015

The "Like" Life


How bout I happen to be scrolling through Facebook this evening and the message window pops up. It's this dude I've known for a good deal of my life but we don't have an active relationship of any kind outside of being Facebook friends. I don't know what possessed him to hit me up on this particular day but he was all in his feelings about the fact that I don't regularly "like" or comment on his posts. Really? Like.... REALLY???

Now he didn't come for me hard, he was basically trying to say that I wasn't showing him no love, but I was annoyed because this isn't the first time he tried to sling shade at me. I posted a stat on the evening of January 1st thanking everyone for their birthday wishes and he responded with a post of his own; a sneak dis, talking about nobody knew it was my birthday, if it wasn't for that post he woulda forgot we was even Facebook friends because I never "like" or comment on his statuses and fuck my birthday. He didn't say any names but he didn't have to. I knew he was referring to me and the good deal of friends we had in common probably knew that shit too. But I let it ride.

When he came at me today about it all gingerly and shit, like it was innocent and he just wanted us to maintain a relationship, I couldn't hold it.

You might need to get a life, bruh, cause sitting online counting likes you cant spend is corny. You 40 years old and just got the best job you ever had as a call center customer service representative. Maybe you should be devoting more time to getting your fucken life together and not whoring yourself on the internet for followers cause you not even that funny, dawg. You not. If you were, I would probably be liking more of your statuses. You wouldn't be like-thirsty if you spent more time out here in the real world like most of us instead of trolling Media Take Out and Worldstar HipHop for fucken fight videos and rap battles. Muhfuckas out here dying in these streets and you think that's appropriate? Then in the same breath post some R.I.P. shit, talking about you so hurt and the madness need to stop. You and all the ratchet hoes that do like your shit are all part of the problem, my nigga. Ass-backward like waiting for a cruise ship at the airport. But you mad somebody don't "like" or comment on your posts.


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

On a Tuesday.....

It's been a month (and some change) I know. Stop acting like you ain't used to this shit by now LOL.

What's been going on? A lot. Not much of it has been blogworthy - or what I would deem to be something any of you would give a shit about LOL - but it's definitely been trying for me. In the last month, I have been tested in more ways than Bubba can make shrimp, let me tell you. I've been forced to question a lot of things in my life, in my thinking, in my station.... most of which I've come to some resolution about. Other things, not so much.

One issue I just came to terms with today. I was talking to my friend about wanting to get wooden blinds for my living room windows and I realized that I am afraid of my house LOL. Sounds crazy but it's true. If you have been around a while you know that it has been about 5 years since I moved to Jersey. The first year I was here I was working a contract job that wasn't sure if they wanted me here or in DC. For at least 8 months, I wasn't sure if I was going to stay here or be required to relocate to DC. That made me leery of doing too much with the place and having to figure out how to move it all. Then that contract ended unexpectedly and it took me so long to start working again that I thought I would have to move back upstate. Then for another year I was working a job that didn't really cover my bills and I didn't think I would be able to keep my place. After that, I started working where I am now and the money was a lot better but I had spent so much time in the "I might not be here long" mindset that I've been conditioned to feel that way. It's been 5 years in this joint and I still don't have a kitchen table LOL. Decorating or investing in fixtures forms an attachment and though it's not a conscious thought, I still haven't been able to come out of the fear of doing so. Even though I'm aware of this, it's hard to overcome. I've committed to taking baby steps to conquer this issue but the epiphany definitely set me on my heels. It really shouldn't be that big a deal but I think it's evidence of something deeper. Many things over the last 5 years have been temporary and it's bred fear in me.

That's a scary thing to address in yourself, that you're afraid....of everything.... when in actuality, you don't feel afraid of anything. You don't really CARE about anything. Being detached is a dangerous thing. Realizing your detachment is a defense mechanism for loss of control requires work on your part, and there is no way around it. You cant stay in that position once you acknowledge the defect. You cant. At least, I cant.

So I am on a journey to healing that and a few other areas I have stumbled across that have hindered my growth. In the last month I have also realized how far I come though and I am proud of my progression. There is something really big at the end of this thing, I know it. I just have to have the courage and strength to look my reflection in the eye and confront what I see looking back at me.

I got stories, yes. They will come slowly, but they will come. I haven't been writing at all but I feel it coming on.... slowly.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Temperature check....

Still no luck unjamming whatever thoughts there are in my head right now but I'm not trying to rush them - they will come when they're ready. I can say that I have been thoroughly enjoying this time to myself this week. I definitely needed it. Could have done without the constant text messages from coworkers/managers telling and asking me stuff (bitch, I'm on vacation!) but whatever. The reflection I have been able to do is priceless.

Let some things go this week... letting some people go as well; you have to from time to time. I feel lighter. Freer. But there is definitely still some stuff in there I need to flush out. I'm not in the best space right now with my family - my mother, namely - but that's really nothing new either. Planned on a trip to DC tomorrow night but I decided that also wasn't something I wanted to do. I guess I am in a place of really examining the things I'm doing and the motivation for doing them and resolving not to proceed if it's out of expectation. I really aint the expectation girl to begin with but I admit that there are a lot of times - due to the role I play in some people's lives - that I end up doing stuff simply because someone else would like me to. If it isn't inconvenient, I just do it, but right now, convenient or not, if its not what I really wanna be doing... the head space I'm in doesn't allow for it. The ground around me is unsettled and I feel like the only safe place is where I currently stand. I'm not fearful though. It's wisdom that keeps me from moving; knowing that timing is everything and exercising the patience my intuition is telling me is required here. As stressed as I could be with everything recently, I am quite at peace, and for that I am grateful.

For now, off to these 800 thread count sheets. THAT, my friends, is what's up.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Writer's Block - Part 1

I have been trying to write a blog for the last 2 days and I just have not been able to pull it together. There has been so much going through my mind, being on stay-cation this week, alone with my thoughts... I don't know if the issue is how much to get into or where to start....

Bear with me. It's coming.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Feeling Brand New

Last night was a hum dinger! I stepped outside of myself and the payoff was monumental. So glad somebody convinced me to get out and get something and what I got was so much more than expected. I don't remember the last time I felt so alive. Operation Go Get It is officially in full effect. Let's go, summer 2015!

Details to come...... maybe LOL

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Ships and Shit

Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's stop pretending you're not use to this shit by now, k? Thanks. LOL

It's been an interesting few weeks since my last post about.... whatever the hell it was. I don't mean interesting in the sense that I have been out skydiving and base jumping and shit but interesting in the way that makes me appreciate having a handle on not having a handle. You dig? Of course not. Well let me try to explain.

I talk you through lessons I've learned all the time, but occasionally I come to realize that some lessons, although recognized, have not quite been learned. At least not in their entirety or to the point of feeling no need to test the theory at some later date. Well a while back I mentioned having come to the notion that relationships sometimes change for [seemingly] no reason at all and that sometimes you have to accept that and let a muthafucka float the fuck on. What I didn't quite grasp is that there really are no exceptions to that rule. Doesn't matter what the nature of the relationship was, doesn't matter how long someone was a part of your life, or even if the person is family, but in true Dig form, I ignored my better judgment and decided to.... just make sure LOL.

Now in my own defense, this was all precipitated by someone reaching out to me to clear up what he presented as a simple misunderstanding. I didnt even really know this dude like that, we just "talked" briefly, but I was receptive and we embarked on the, once again, brief journey into "seewhathappens"-ville. I came to the decision in the end that I really had no interest in him being a part of my life in any capacity, but the mere fact that the door had swung back open gave me the brilliant idea that maybe others could too. I tried my old key in two locks of note and those doors opened but... I kinda wish they had just changed the locks. You walk in, shit is just all over the place.... Just board this bitch up and slap a condemned notice on the door so I'll know to unscrew the light bulb from my bright ass ideas LOL. SMH.

At the end of the day, I am who I am, so I'll probably always be receptive to someone reaching out to me to make amends, but nowhere is it written that accepting an apology or cordially returning a "hope all is well" cant be the end of it. All ships eventually come to port, ending that particular voyage. FriendSHIPS and relationSHIPS are really no different and when they dock, you get the fuck off the boat. Voyage over. So that's what I've taken away from the last month of my life - the remaining piece of the 2-part lesson on letting go.

Part One: Let 'em go.

Part Two: Yes, THAT muthafucka too.

So to all the S.S. Minnows out there LOL, we can leave it at this. We're good. I'm not mad at you, hopefully you're not mad at me, but I have too many ships still afloat to be worrying about the wreckage.

But......... hope all is well! LOL