Never A-damn-gain!

So I got my eyebrows waxed today for the first time. I still cant quite see straight LOL.

Seriously - women actually do this, like..... of their own free will? LOL And then go back again? What the fk for??? LOL I mean, I have been told it lasts longer and its supposed to look "cleaner" but to be perfectly honest, I dont think mine look much different from my normal razoring. Matter of fact, Im lyin - I actually think my razoring looks better. It may not last 3 weeks like this wax supposedly does, but they be sharp, and its PAINLESS!

I went into the place today that my girlfriend recommended, and first of all, I swear the guy that works there was laughing at me. He asked' "First time?" and I said yes. His whole face lit up like his day was just about to turn around. He got energized - MF started sweepin and shit, changing light bulbs LOL. The girl who was gonna do my brows was finishing someone's nails, so I was sitting there waiting, and the dude just kept looking at me from across the room, smiling. WTF you smiling at? He obviously knew something I didnt LOL

When its my turn, I knew something was wrong, cause the lady who got her nails done coulda up and left, but she sat her ass right there, like she had front row seats for a main event. Everybody wants to stick around and see me be the butt of the joke. So the eyebrow lady comes behind me and tells me its gonna be fine. Its gonna be fine? WTF does that mean? LOL Is that like "it really doesnt hurt as much as you think it will" it's gonna be fine, or "yes, it hurts, but you wont like... die" it's gonna be fine? LOL Cause, you know, there is a difference LOL. She aint say shyt else. She just took the lid off of this thing that looked like a stainless steel fondue pot, and dipped a stick in it.

Hoooooo-ho-ho-hold up! Is that rubber cement? Are you bout to put some hot ass rubber cement on my face? LOL Oh, bitch, no you not! LMAOOO!

*cue spectator ass lady*

"Aw, baby, dont you worry, now, it's not that bad. It will stun you more than it will hurt. It's real quick."

Ok now, see, SHE need to be on staff here, cause yall asses just leading the lambs to the slaughter, walking em into the light and shyt, dont know what the hell bout to happen, if they gon ever see they kids again, if they remembered to sign that last revision to their insurance paperwork or nothing! LOL

So I calm down, the midgets in the corner laughing at me with the crazy broom man and I'm about ready to book, but I woman up and say fk it, ok, let's go.

Here we go with the hot ass pancake syrup on my face. Ok. We alright. So far, so good. Paper strip being applied and evened out. Ok. We still good. SCHWOOMP!!!

AHHHHHHH!!!!

I thought I screamed, but apparently I only screamed in my head. However, my face had frozen in a not-so-happy expression and my jaw was stuck in open-mouth, i-should-whoop-your-ass position. I would have cursed three future generations of her family, but I was paralyzed and couldnt speak LOL. All my energy was thrown into trying to refocus my eyes and sharpen the blurry images of everything in my line of vision. My eyes were watering something terrible, and all I could do was blink LOL.

Before I could regain my faculties, she was on to the next one - hot shalaque all on my left side, and the paper strip was already applied before I started breathing again. "No! No, no, no, wait!" But again, I apparently said this only in my head, because next thing I know, SCHWOOMP!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I felt my spirit leave my body LOL. Now Im feeling lightheaded. I could kill her - her and every single last one of my girlfriends who pumped me up to go do this shyt - but alas, I gotta be done now, right?

*staring into the camera*

YANK!

WTF was that???? LOL Oh bitch, we tweezing now??? What part of the game is that??? First you want me to sit here while you lather my head with some molten fkn lava, now we tweezing??? Aint nobody said nothing 'bout no tweezing!!! Damn, how many stray hairs do I have up there??? Ok now you just playin with me, you just pulling hairs out for the fk of it, just to torture me more. This is hazing! I wanna see a supervisor! What? "Oh..... ok, thank you."

Seven dollars and 60 seconds later, my forehead felt naked against the cold ass air outside, and I was cussing up toe jam roots on everybody who recommended that mess to me, LOL. I couldnt even tell if they came out good, cause the tears still hadnt cleared from my eyeballs LOL. I saw a white dot in everything I looked at for the next 30 minutes, and I had wax residue on the sides of my face that itched like hell. I had half a mind to ride down to my regular eyebrow lady and give her $5 just to pre-pay my next appointment. I will be a monkey's uncle if I ever put myself back through that bullshit again. There was a hit that took out every razor artist in the tri-state area if you find me in a waxing chair again, you better believe that shit.

I cant believe women put themselves through such torture on purpose. WTF is wrong wit us??? We need to start lovin ourselves LOL.

Forehead all numb, got me walking around, face feeling like I done got some gotdamn botox. Where's my drink....

OH. EM. GEE.

You know.... I should listen to my own advice. I tell people all the time that if they go looking for something, they will likely find it, and what do I do? I go looking.

Im on my way to the shower, right, and I stop in my room to pick up my towel and robe, when I hear a vibrating sound. Can't be anything but my son's cell phone. So my first instinct was to shrug it off and just take my ass on to the shower, but nooooooooooo. I gotta go be nosy. I have successfully fought off the urge to snoop for weeks and weeks, and suddenly, all that will power was down the drain.

So I press the 'view' button to read the text message> "Is it ova btw u and me?"

Im sorry, what? LOL

Ova? Between who and who? LOL When this lil nicca got a girlfriend? As I regained the feeling in my legs, my mouth slowly began to close, and I continued with conviction....... I read through about ten other texts, all from this same little girl, and she's WTFing all over the place, cursing and all this and Im just like *gasp!* LOL Then the unthinkable.... Im curious as to what message would precipitate these, so I go to the 'sent' folder.

*gasp!*

Jesus Christmas, my son is low-cal sexting! Nothing too deep, but he's cursing, he's sayin little slick shyt like "dream about me" and "you know you dream about laying on top of me" *gasp!* i say *gasp!*

Alas, the time has come for the dreaded "talk." I can't put it off anymore. My son has entered the tweenlight zone.

Pray for me........

(to be continued)

Bad Girls Club

Ok so I really just started watching the Bad Girls Club, and I gotta tell y'all these broads are making my one-hour commitment to their bullzhit SOOOO worth it LOL. Now lets be clear, I dont condone violence of any kind, but I'm sorry, this was just HILARIOUS to me. People, you MUST know that you can't say nothing slick about a woman's kid(s). Any mother worth her salt will have an ass whooping in her pocket with your name on it. Christmas is coming early for you LOL. Either Natalie didn't get the memo, or she really thought Portia was just a punk about hers, but either way, Portia ran out the house and SET IT on her ass LMAOOOOOO!

Woo! I know Nat had a headache the next day.

Karate Kid 2010 Official Trailer

Gotta go holla at that.

I'm Not Ready

Its official - I have quit smoking.

Now, its only been a week, and most smokers or ex-smokers would probably say it's too soon for me to really proclaim that I'm done, but I promise you: I. AM. DONE.

The last time I made a serious attempt to quit was a year ago. My first smoke-free day was on October 4, 2008 and a month later, November 4, 2008, I fell off the wagon..... *pause* .....nah, that's not true. I JUMPED off the wagon, LOL. Hey, a black president will do that to you.

Anyway, I havent done much more than intend to quit ever since. I would wake up and tell myself, "I got one cigar left and it's gonna be my last one." A few hours later, I'd be on my couch, opening a brand new pack, telling myself I just wasnt ready yet.

I even tried playing mind games with myself. I'd finish a pack and then vow to not buy another, only to find loopholes in the oath I had taken. The worst of it was the time I tried to use MJ's death as inspiration. It's Michael fkn Jackson! My BAY-bay LOL. How can I not hold up to it this time? I would never disrespect Michael's memory.

*staring into the camera*

Loopholes.

"I didnt say I wouldn't buy loosies..." "It doesn't count if someone else buys it..." I came up with just about every way around it until I finally got tired of weaving through cones and just said, "Fk it. Mike understands. I'm just not ready." I kicked myself all that night about it, but in reality, if my kids hadn't been motivation enough, how would MJ ever be?

But I kept telling myself I wasnt ready. "What you gonna do, Dig? If you're not ready, you're just not ready." It always came back to that, but you know what? I was ready. I was sooooo ready. I was tired of having no wind, barely breathing after just a couple flights of stairs. I was tired of having to budget cigars into my expenses, when there were other things I really could have been using that $35 a week for. I was tired of looking in the mirror and hating how dingy my smile had gotten. Bad enough I drink too much coffee, but one issue at a time LOL. Bottom line, I was tired, in general, of smoking, but I just couldn't get a firm enough hold of any kind of rope to pull me out of it. So I did what any good Christian-on-probation would do - I started praying.

Now, I didnt really know what else to pray for, initially, except to be ready. I mean, after all, that was my problem right? But when I did start seeing things, they were just more of the same things I had already noticed, just a little more impacting: suddenly I was able to smell smoke on my clothes and in my car, and it just turned my stomach. I'm a professional. How am I gonna show up for a meeting, at a customer's place of business, smelling like a chimney? How am I looking so sharp on my way to interviews, in my steam-pressed business suit and wool trench, reeking of eau de ashtray? It just defeats the purpose. And it got worse.

My cardiologist was getting tired of cursing me out and finally started threatening to drop me as a patient if I didnt start taking quitting more seriously. She told me that the coronary repair I underwent as a child was still fine, in general, but she is starting to see a slight thickening of the lining, which was due to my blood pressure being high (and me not taking the beta blockers she prescribed me didnt help). In all the years since I had my surgery, I had never had any "thickenings" to speak of, no restrictions, no anything of the sort. "Stop smoking" seemed to be more of a suggestion than a mandate, but all of a sudden, I was a little nervous. I'd be lying in bed, and I'd get these palpitations, or a pain in my chest and swear up and down I was about to have a heart attack. I would have a pain shoot up my arm while watching TV, or my legs would tingle and I would swear I had a blood clot somewhere. I had even seen a very tiny [what I would call] disfigurement on one of my eyes and convinced myself that I had had a ministroke somewhere along the line and the next one would kill me LOL. STRAIGHT. PARANOID.

Then I was driving to work one morning and I noticed something else: I wouldn't take a pull off my cigar if another car was alongside me - unless that person was smoking..... or old LOL. Suddenly I was ashamed and avoiding judgment. ME - DIG - was ashamed and avoiding judgment. That is UNHEARD of! Someone told me a long time ago that that's when you know when you're really ready to quit. God called bullshit LOL.

On the radio comes a song that, for some reason, used to haunt me as a kid. I think I was really young the first time I had ever heard it, and I have only ever heard it a handful of times in my entire life, but it always kinda creeped me out and here it was on the radio. I THINK the song is called "Are You Ready?" or "I'm Not Ready" but I can't remember who sings it. It's some old group like The Mighty Clouds of Joy or something, but that's neither here nor there LOL.

In the song, death comes for this young woman who isn't ready to go. She is so pretty and young and has so much potential, she keeps pleading with death, "Why you hatin'? Just let me be great" (LOL) until he finally makes a deal with her. He basically tells her, "Ok, shawty, you ain't ready yet, so Ima let you rock, for now. But Ima be back. I'll call you to let you know when I'm on my way, be outside." (LMAO!) So Boom..... *fist to palm* ..... the years go by, and one day death returns. He's like, "Aight, shawty, let's roll. I got somewhere to be." The woman is like, "Roll? Dag, why you rushing me? I'm still not ready. Plus, you said you was gonna call when you was on your way, how you just gon show up at a sista's crib all unannounced and attitudical?" (LOL) So death is like, "I did call, I left you mad messages, son. Do you remember when you found those first little wrinkles around that pretty little smile of yours? Remember how every so often there would be another one, and another one? Remember when your eyesight started going on you and had to go get them glasses? Yeah.... yeah...... and how your hair turned gray? Yeah.... and how your body stopped cooperating quite like it use to? Remember burying so many friends over the years? See, baby, that was all me. That was me calling you to tell you I was on my way. It's not my fault you wasn't checking your messages, and I done told you for the last time THIS IS IT. I dont care nothin bout you cryin', get on up in this here truck and let's be out!" (LMAO!)

Ok, so I had a little fun with the lyrics, but you get the point. She kept saying she wasn't ready to go and instead of spending her second chance trying to get ready, she was ignoring all the signs that her day would eventually come back around again, and in the end, she was forced to go whether she was ready or not.

THAT's when I knew I was ready. I don't wanna be that lady. What good are the warnings if you dont take heed? So I prayed again, this time asking that I just no longer have the desire to smoke at all. I said, "Lord, I want to be absolutely REPULSED by the idea."

It didn't seem to be working at first. I felt like a crackhead the first day LOL.

The second day was a lot better.

The third day, I wanted to knock over a gas station LOL.

The fourth day, again, was better. However (and this is the one thing you have to look out for when you decide to quit) I got a call from one of my girls who I hadn't seen in a while and I knew we'd have a drink or two if she came by, so I folded and picked up a couple loose cigars. She (and another one of my girls) came over and I smoked those cigars, but when I tell you I felt like death the next morning, I mean I FELT. LIKE. DEATH. I dont ever wanna see, smell, taste - NOTHING having to do with a damn apple Black & Mild. Haven't had a yen for it since.

So yes, people, it's only been a week, but I've claimed deliverance. A week - hell, 3 days - not smoking, doesn't happen in my world. It just doesn't. It took about 12 attempts just to get 24 hrs under my belt. I think I know when I'm on the boat.... and I'm on the boat. Quite frankly, there's enough things in life that I have no control over. I have to start controlling the things I can. Come January 1st, I want to already be IN the process of becoming the best me possible, not just beginning it. 2010 owes me big. I'm coming for it, and that bytch betta have my money!

Throwback

The IRS had me too vexed to write today, so we're gonna crank up the "way back machine" and pull something from the vault. I think I wrote this some time around Christmas a couple of years ago.... (Oh and I (c) so dont play yourself).




Open Letter To My Son

Son.
You know how much Mommy loves you.
I couldn’t even tell you how much if I tried.
And I know you love me back beyond measure
But you try so hard to show me through the offering of your last few pennies
So Mommy can keep the cable on.
I don’t want your money, baby. What I want right now is your attention

I want you to promise me, Son.
Promise me that you will live a full and prosperous life
Free of all the drama and despair of the world
Live free of any expectations anyone may ever have of you – except your Mom.
Because your Mom wants nothing but to make your life a thousand times better than hers
Promise me that you will love with your whole heart
And that whatever woman should have it at whatever time
You will always treat and speak to with respect and reverence
Love is beautiful but it can also be hard
Never be afraid to walk away from anything or anyone that isnt right for you
Be faithful.
Talk to God and listen when he talks back.
Be a better man than your father
And help your sister grow to be a better woman than me

Look people straight in the eye when you speak to them and always say what you mean
Be a man of your word and never make a promise that you cant keep
Be firm when you say no, and when you say yes, do it with a smile
Do things for people because it’s the right thing to do
And not because you expect something in return
But don’t be anybody’s fool, know when and where to draw the line
Take risks, but be smart about them. Know when you are in over your head
Learn from your mistakes so you don’t have to make them again
But learn that some mistakes are too much fun to make only once

Don’t watch too much TV, it will only depress you
Read.
Apologize when you hurt somebody’s feelings
But stand on your principles when you know youre right
Choose your friends carefully
Have your own so youre never at anybody’s mercy
Its okay to cry, just be choosy about whom you let see you vulnerable
Think quickly. Speak slowly.
Listen more than you talk, so you learn to hear whats NOT being said
Never let anyone tell you what you cannot do. But know your own limits.
Don’t drink too much.
Don’t smoke at all.
Save.
Always tell the truth, even if it hurts.

People will hurt you and you will want to hate them
Don’t. Pray for them instead.
Don’t hold grudges.
Never borrow what you cant pay back.
Don’t keep all your money in the bank.
Keep your business and your personal affairs separate
Work hard. Play harder.
Stay in touch with your friends even after one of you moves
Travel.
Plan what you can but never be afraid to be spontaneous

There are pages and pages of additional things I could tell you
But this will do for now
I plan to be around for long enough to guide you whenever needed
But these are the basics for that ‘just in case’
Tomorrow is not promised, Son
So don’t put off what you can today
You are young now and probably couldn’t comprehend most of this
But my hope is that one day when you are grown
You will unfold this from your wallet and read it
Knowing how much your Mommy loved you when she wrote it

Merry Christmas!

I got fkn audited!!!

Now if Im wrong, I can only blame myself because ignorance is no excuse (if you're gonna do your own taxes, you should familiarize yourself with the changes in the tax laws) but am I correct in the notion that - at least a few years ago - you didnt have to claim income less than like $3500? I KNOW that used to be a rule, but maybe it changed. I got a letter in the mail yesterday (which I didnt open until today) that says I owe the IRS like $2100 from last year's return. WTF???? Dont they know Im tryna relocate in July??? I need my refund - ALL OF IT!!! This is some bullshit...

I would like to take this time out to send my sincerest condolences to the family and friends of Brittany Murphy, whom the world lost four days ago to cardiac arrest.

The people closest to me know that I have a pretty unhealthy relationship with the movie, "Little Black Book" so they understood my temporary shut down upon hearing the news was predicated on my identifying so closely with Stacey Holt, the main character, whom she portrayed. I literally felt lost for a while, like I was on a bus with nobody driving it. It was the weirdest thing. Maybe I'll tell you about it one day, but for now, I'd just like to say "Goodbye, Brittany. Rest in peace."

That You Mike?

One of my friends emailed me this. Somebody concocted this as what Michael Jackson might have looked like at 50, had he not had any plastic surgery. I dont know how I feel about it yet. Michael Jackson was my husband in my head so I feel kinda weak just thinkin about it LOL.

Welcome to Staring Into The Camera!

Happy Holidays and welcome to my little corner of the world.

Staring Into The Camera is something that I have been wanting to do for quite some time, but somehow never had the time or focus to actually get around to until now. I thought I had to have everything all worked out before I could launch it, and I had no clue what types of things I wanted to talk about or post, but this morning I had an epiphany: I am a work in progress. I will always be a work in progress. Why, then, should my site not reflect that? Five minutes later, heyyyyyyyyy..... LOL

Im going to try to post as regularly as life allows. Some days I might have a lot to talk about, and hopefully that will make up for any days I miss LOL. Questions? Suggestions? Let me know! And with that...

WELCOME TO STARING INTO THE CAMERA!