Saturday, January 30, 2010

In My Mind

"They say if you love something youve got to let it go
And if it comes back then it means so much more
But if it doesnt, at least you will know
That it was something you had to go through to grow"

-Heather Headley, In My Mind


So I was feeling some kind of way this morning, and that was only compounded by my frustration, not being able to find the words to say what I wanted to say about it. I had a point that I only half got to, so rather than sit around frustrated thinking about it, I decided to get up and turn that frustration into positive energy.

I got up and took a shower, washed my hair, and cleaned up - a little LOL. There's a ton of other stuff I still have to do around here, but I feel a small sense of accomplishment having at least started. Now I am sitting here listening to channel 843 on my Direct Tv, which is that REAL R&B, and some of the songs that have been playing have been helpful in sorting it all out. The one I quoted above made me feel better about the situation I last spoke about. Some other ones hit home too, and here are some of the things I picked up:

-Whatever I did in the situation I last spoke about I did because I felt it was best for me, and I should never apologize for making a decision based on that, even when the long-term outcome is less than desirable.

-Everything does happen for a reason, even when we never fully understand what that reason is.

-Reflection is free but redemption is expensive, and often not worth the price.

-The first person we should all learn to forgive is ourselves. Hey, you cant free someone from inside the same cage.

-Love sometimes means letting someone be happy somewhere else.

-If I have to choose between loving a man and loving a woman, I'll love a woman every time - ME.

I Get It

I dont really know where Im going with this blog, so just ride with me till I get there. Thanks LOL.

So I have been friends with this guy for 20 years. At one point, after high school, we were hanging out a lot - I guess you might call it dating, but he wasnt like... my boyfriend. It was understood, though, that we liked each other, even though we were never any more intimate than an occasional kiss, so when this girl we both knew started saying they were seeing each other, it was a problem, and we fell out. He denied having anything with her and tried and tried to talk to me and I wasnt trying to hear it, because I didnt believe him and I was hurt. Might have been different if I had let him explain, but it also might have been different if he had handled the situation right, which IMO, he didnt.

Anyway, fast forward a few years. We've mended fences, but now he's married with children. Long story not so long, LOL he recently told me he loved me and contends that I was supposed to be his wife. What am I supposed to do with that? LOL But I cant front - I believe that too - and its been hard over the years, staying in this lane, but we have. Whenever he comes by, we reminisce about high school and all kinds of stuff, laughing and trying to remember names, and when its over, he goes home to his wife. I try not to get caught up in thoughts about what might have happened if I had never let that girl come between us all those years ago, but last night, it came up in conversation while he was here, and when he left, I couldnt think about anything else.

This morning, I found myself looking through his pics on Facebook and pausing on one of him and his family. His wife - eh, she's just alright - but in her pics, she looks like a good wife. She looks like she takes care of him and the house and the kids, and aside from some problems he told me they were having a few years back, they appear happy. I dont know that they are - he never talks about her - but although I believe that everything happens for a reason, I cant help wondering how things would have been if I had become his wife and I wonder if I could have been as good for him as the pictures make her appear.

I dont have many regrets. I pride myself on living a life as free of them as possible, but I have to admit that this is one of them. Maybe now I do understand how all these guys could come to me 15 years after the fact and cut a proverbial vein open, especially if he feels like he messed up. What I dont understand is what usually happens next - nothing.

Still not sure if this is where I wanted to end up with these thoughts. I feel like there is something else that I cant quite nail down. Maybe I'll mull it over a little more and come back to it....

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Video Vibing




First of all, this is a beautifully written song.

Second of all................ *sigh*

I was in the middle of watching this video online for the very first time when my phone rang. True to "Dig's life is a reality show" form, it's my ex. I knew I shoulda never let my girl convince me to call him that night, LOL.

He and I didnt really break up on the best terms, but I have talked to him a couple of times since and we're.... well.....good, I guess. So when he called, it wasnt a situation where I'd be cursing him out or acting shady. I dont really hold grudges - I'm "good" with all of my exes for the most part - but I had to wonder what he wanted. Yes, he told me he would be calling me, but I didnt really expect him to because good or not, we really dont have a whole lot to talk about.

So I entertain the conversation, knowing he would work his way to his point sooner or later. It was small talk at first, then the inquiries about whether Im dating (read: sleeping with) anybody and if I ever miss him, and memory after memory being revisited, like he was looking for the same excitement from me that he was feeling, but he should have known I'd never give him that after everything that happened with us.

It finally got to the point where he wanted to come over so we could talk and you know how I do: we talkin NOW, LOL. He continued in his roundabout way, trying to gauge whether or not I might entertain the idea of us getting back together, after a year of being broken up, and I admit, I felt for him just a little, putting himself out there, but I had to tell him no.

It's like this song says: lightning dont strike the same place twice. When things were good, they were really, really good. I do smile to myself when I revisit those memories, but the truth of the matter is, we dont belong together and it only took one go-round for me to recognize that. I still care ABOUT him (read: I dont wanna hear he got hit by a milk truck LOL), I just dont care FOR him (read: no, I dont want to get back together), and I didnt want to hurt his feelings, but people have to understand that you can't unring a bell. Once you say some hurtful shit to somebody, even if they forgive you, they never forget it, and moving on together would never be quite the same. It would always be lingering in the back of their minds, hindering any real growth, and I know it would be no different with me.

Im not mad at the brother, but just because Im not mad doesnt mean I am willing to subject myself to the same shit I dealt with the first time around, when I already KNOW from our conversation that he is still on that same shit. Im just not the woman for him and he's not the man for me. I accepted that and now he's gonna have to also.

So I guess this is a dedication to him, praying acceptance and progress into his life, and hoping that he finds someone he can actually be happy with, and not just someone who will allow him some false sense of redemption. Sometimes, you only get one chance to get it right.

Superman, this one's for you.

Food For Thought

So I left work and now Im at home wondering if I should have. The more I think about it though, I think it was the right thing to do. I have been in a very positive frame of mind all year so far and sometimes you have to vacate the premises to keep from letting somebody else's foolishness cause you to regress into a space you dont want to occupy. When things aint right, you have to take the necessary steps to correct them, and sometimes that means changing your environment - or the people you allow to share it (Message!)

That needed to be said, but it's not the purpose of this post, so let me get to it.

My nephew is apparently nursing a broken heart - again LOL - and is telling everyone who will listen about how he is feeling. His Facebook is littered with all these statuses about the situation, sounding just miserable, and I felt sorry for him at first, but after a while, I had to pull him to the side and tell him to suck it up LOL.

I dont think I was being insensitive, I just think that there comes a point when enough is e-damn-nough. First of all - and this goes for anybody out there who is guilty of it - stop telling everybody all your damn business. If its for entertainment purposes, like the things I post here, then fine. But when you are in actual pain and feeling like you have something you need to say to somebody, say it to THEM. They are the only ones who can give you the answers to the questions you need answers to. Only they can tell you why they did what they did or felt like they felt, so send them an email or call them and deal with it, and stop walking around here looking like somebody done stole your damn bike.

Secondly (back to my nephew) love is easy. Relationships are hard. You have to learn the difference. Love comes outta nowhere at times and you cant help who you feel things for. It does whatever the hell it wants, whenever the hell it wants to, and it doesnt need your permission. Thats why you still love people when you wish you didnt, and its also why you cant make yourself feel something for somebody that you dont (another point I'm going to address later).

Relationships, on the other hand, take work. Therefore, you have to decide whether the person you are thinking about getting involved with is worth putting the energy into, and whether you believe they will work just as hard. I look at it like it's an investment. Choose one that you believe will give you some kinda return. If you invest in bad stock, you take a loss, the same way you reap the profits if you invest in something good. Once you choose your stock, you have to keep an eye on it and make the proper trades when necessary to protect your investment. Sometimes you have to move your money around, i.e. adjust how much time and energy you exert into a situation. In that light, you are playing an active role in the outcome instead of becoming a casualty of just letting things "happen" to you. Understand?

Its not foolproof - even good stock can blindside you with some bullshit - but as a general rule of thumb, I think its a solid approach to take. Just some food for thought.

Dude....

....I totally need another job. This one is gonna have me on CNN.

Now, I think every place of employment has it's people you just are not gonna be able to stand, but you have to learn to work with them in order to accomplish the common goal. However, I aint NEVER had a job that made me wanna shake the shit out of a whole department of muthafkas. 20 minutes ago, I was about to be on the news. I had to get up and go get lunch, just to have an excuse to get up and walk it off.

How is it that you got the nerve to have an attitude because you lied and got busted in the lie?

How you mad cause I fixed something that YOU get paid to fix, then subsequently tell me I need to follow process, because I'm stepping on people's toes when I go around it? Let me tell you something: yall muthafkas better invest in some steel-toe damn boots, because if I have to step on your toes to get something done that I will be left holding the bag for if it gets fckd up, then you better believe thats whats gonna happen.

"So-and-so is going to be taking care of it today." So-and-so is out "sick" today, so really? Oh you didnt know that? I know you didnt and you know how I know you didnt? Cause I stepped on that other muthafkas toes. HE didnt know that shit either.

Fck outta here.

Then you wanna send me all these sternly worded emails (LOL) on some "King of the World" shit. I dont give a fk about your ego being hurt. You BETTER be glad Im a gotdamn professional and dont come down this hall and stand on top of your muthafkn desk!

*sigh*..................woosahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

GOTS to get another job. *smh*

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Thats What I Said!

I get daily emails from www.dailyom.com, which is a website geared at nurturing the mind, body and spirit. I decided to post this one I got today because it reminded me of the blog I posted a couple of weeks ago. If you follow my blog, you'll know exactly which one I mean. Maybe I was onto something...




"Becoming Your Parents
Generate Your Own Patterns

Though many of the tempers and temperaments that define you are inherited, you control how they manifest in your life.


Heredity plays a role in almost all human development, whether physical, mental, or emotional. We tend to look like our parents and are subject to the same sensitivities they have. We may even be predisposed to certain behaviors or preferences. As we grow older, we become increasingly aware of the traits that exist within us and the clear history of the traits of our mothers and fathers. Our response to this epiphany depends upon whether the inclinations, tendencies, and penchants we inherited from our forebears are acceptable in our eyes. We may honor some of these shared traits while rejecting others. However, there is no law of nature, no ethereal connection between parents and children, that states that the latter must follow in the footsteps of the former. We are each of us free to become whoever we wish to be.

When we accept that our parents are human beings in possession of both human graces and human failings, we begin to regard them as distinct individuals. And by granting mothers and fathers personhood in our minds, we come to realize that we, too, are autonomous people and in no way destined to become our relations. While we may have involuntarily integrated some of our parents’ mannerisms or habits into our own lives, conscious self-examination will provide us with a means to identify these and work past them if we so desire. We can then unreservedly honor and emulate those aspects of our mothers and fathers that we admire without becoming carbon copies of them.

Though many of the tempers and temperaments that define you are inherited, you control how they manifest in your life. The patterns you have witnessed unfolding in the lives of your parents need not be a part of your unique destiny. You can learn from the decisions they made and choose not to indulge in the same vices. Their habits need not become yours. But even as you forge your own path, consider that your parents’ influence will continue to shape your life—whether or not you follow in their footsteps. Throughout your entire existence, they have endeavored to provide you with the benefit of their experiences. How you make use of this profound gift is up to you."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Where My Girls At?

I was a fly on the wall today during a Facebook conversation where one girl was talking about some drama that had gone on, and the more she wrote, the more it became obvious that she wasnt quite the victim she claimed to be. But as I write this, I guess I have to cede that maybe it wasnt so obvious, because the girls she was talking to rallied right up behind her, talking about how people are haters and how they would have said this or done that, and before long, they were all on the offensive, sucked into a situation that originally, and STILL, had nothing to do with them.

The situation made me think about somebody I used to be friends with - or at least, someone who I thought, at one time, was my friend. She would come to me damn near every day with some new drama that had occurred at work, or some other place, talking about people like it was her day job, and I didnt think much of it because we were "homies" and she was SUPPOSED to tell me stuff. It never occurred to me that she could be lying, or that as much as she was talking to me about people, she could be talking to people about me, until I found it to be the case. I felt played, and I was mad at myself for not seeing it sooner, but its nearly impossible to put out a fire from within the flames.

I didnt try to retaliate, I simply cut her off - I personally dont have time or space for that type of nonsense in my life - but it made me feel foolish and simple as hell for those times I let her tell me how the people she beefed with (and there sure were enough of them LOL) were all just jealous of her. That girl stayed in some kind of drama and it was always because people were "hating". She was my "homie" so I started sounding a lot like these girls today, jumping to her defense without the whole story.

Oh, to know then the things I know now.

When somebody you know keeps drama around them, and is always playing the victim in the situation, do yourself a favor and dont rush to judgment. Dont stop talkin to muhfkas you have known all your life cause this person done came and told you some bullshit you aint verified. Dont let somebody have you fighting at the club with some random person you never even met a day in your life, and now YOU gotta look over your shoulder too. If they punched your girl in her face, it is possible that she deserved it - maybe she shouldnt have said what she said LOL. I think its natural to want to immediately rally behind our friends - and for those that are tried and true, you SHOULD - but yall know those aint the friends Im referring to. When those hokey ones are ALWAYS in the middle of something, you have to begin to question why that is. Flies dont draw to sugarplums, they draw to shit. You could save yourself a world of hurt and harm if you just take a minute to ask yourself if they are really the ones hanging on the cross, or the one banging in the nails...

Listening for the Answers

Ooooh, the devil is trying to get me today, yall.

I was in a perfectly good mood this morning. I came in to work this morning, smiling, prepared for my 8:30 meeting with one of my company's chief officers, and it went pretty well. Got back upstairs and not five minutes later, the bullshit began.

I swear, I cannot stand for somebody to just not want you to tell them nothing. Its usually the ones who, themselves, are in some kind of attitudical space at that moment who always wanna get all defensive when you try to keep them from doing something wrong. You wanna get an attitude with me cause you THINK you know what you're talking about, and you clearly don't? Fine, do it your way. I am not going to let you aggravate my spirit today. I'm just not.

Every time you put a smile on your face, walk upright and start to see your way through some smoke, the devil comes thru and tries to snatch it back. Well you can kiss my ass, devil LOL, cause I'm not buying into your crap today!

But I have to say this is the second or third time an attempt on my contentment has opened my eyes to a situation from a different perspective. In this instance, I have been contemplating a change of career direction for quite some time, and initially I thought that change would consist of me leaving my current field completely. Today I had a little insight into some other possibilities, and I think I could potentially do very well staying in my industry, and changing streams within it.

My company just purchased another very large and reputable company, which, over the next few months, is going to open a number of new positions in various capacities, nationwide. Aside from those, positions are also going to become available locally that I could transition into. Any of these would allow me more upward mobility than I had ever entertained here previously, having expected to be vacating the business altogether very soon. When I put it all together with other little pieces of my personal life that have shifted of late, I am starting to think that's the route I am supposed to take.

Its funny when you pray for direction: the answer might be totally different than you expect it to be, and if you're not listening carefully, you might miss it. The key is not having tunnel vision - just be vigilant and open yourself up to receive whatever message you get, without expectation - and then when you get that message, you have to be willing to take the necessary steps, even if those steps are new and uncertain. Security can be confining - you'll never discover new oceans if you're afraid to leave the shore.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I Think I'm Being Punk'd

So I was supposed to have a drink date with one of my guy friends last night, but that didnt happen, so my girl ended up coming over to chill. She somehow convinced me to call my ex, after he came up in conversation, and he's all "Im so glad you called me, I miss you" LOL. Dude, stop yourself LOL. You know like I know, you are only going there because you know you are on speaker and she's in the room. He STAY fronting for people who he knows liked him when we were together, trying to get the sympathy votes to rally up a comeback for his tired ass. Not gon happen, cap'n. Glad you're doing well, carry on.

A couple hours prior, I was on Facebook and got into a chat conversation with a guy I have been friends with damn near all my life and he musta been drinking the kool-aid too. Im not gonna get into that conversation, but suffice it to say that it had me looking around my living room for hidden cameras LOL. I HAVE to be on Punk'd right now.

Not 30 minutes later, I'm getting a Facebook message from one of my high school exes (read: addictions LOL), talking about how we need to get up for drinks.

Shortly after that, another high school flashback hits me up on the chat. "I think I'm mad at you. I always liked you but you kept hooking me up with your friends." LMAO! Yeah, I can TOTALLY see how you should be mad at ME for that LOL. *rolling my eyes*

Enter text message conversation... somebody else is missing me. WTF is going on??? Am I dying and everyone knows it but me? LOL Did some memo go out recently to all the men I know, saying..... I dont even know what the hell it would have said, but dammit, I'm sensing a conspiracy LOL.

Yesterday had to be one of the weirdest days ever, but this kinda thing has been happening for a couple of weeks now. I dont understand it. Am I like.... in season? LOL Dont get me wrong, it's a little bit of an ego stroke, I guess, but how about I start getting these confessions from somebody who actually can follow through on some shit, or AT LEAST be available to actually do so. Where are the REAL prospects? I dont want no married, involved, jobless, shiftless, goal-lacking, or gutter bunny booty chasers sniffing after me, and I'm sorry, I dont buy the whole "15 years later, I had an epiphany" bullshit either. What is THAT about? Is this what's hot in the streets, 2010? LOL Is this what this year is gonna be like?

Where is Susan Miller? I need to holla at her ASAP, cause I dont remember reading anything about this mess in my January horoscope...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Oh Lord LOL



Ladies and gentlemen, never let it be said that I cant laugh at myself LOL.

I made this video, probably a year ago, IDK. Its on my youtube channel, along with a couple of others from the same night. There were a couple more that were boring and I took down (hopefully they came down LOL).

I was tipsy as hell in this shyt LMAOOOO! I might have to put a couple up LOL.

Somebody please stop me next time I decide to mix vodka and a vlog LOL.

*smh*

Monday, January 18, 2010

Note to My Readers

Thank you for the outpouring of support I received in regards to the passing of my aunt this week. I hope it's ok that I chose to take a few days off from posting. I appreciate your continued patronage, and I'll be back at em shortly.

I Have A Dream

Friday, January 15, 2010

God is Good... ALL the time.

"I just cant give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
But I dont believe He brought me this far
To leave me"

Today's post is just a testimony because my spirit is just full of praise today. Everything that could go wrong all went wrong at one time and God made a way. After the week I've had, nobody can tell me He isnt real and I just want everyone out there to know that if you are EVER in need of reassurance, call me. I'll tell you how good God is.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

In Mourning

My "aunt" Dora passed away last night. I found out today while I was at work, when I called my mother about a totally unrelated issue. I was fine for about an hour before the random eye-burning began. Luckily, I had already left work by then. I wrote about her earlier this week, contemplating whether or not I would make that trip to the hospice to see her before we eternally parted ways. I never went. I got over the whole comparison with my other aunt, but when it came down to it, I just didnt want to see her compromised. I wanted to remember her the way I remember her, and in doing so, I managed to find a smile in the midst of my sadnsss. A frame frozen momentarily, in my mind, of her at church, smiling, in her all white usher uniform. She loved that church. She loved the Lord. And she loved us.

We loved you too, Dora.

At this moment, all I have is the solace in knowing that she is no longer in the excruciating pain she spent her last weeks suffering through. I feel kind of selfish, not having gone to see her this week, but I pray that the peace she gains in entering those pearly gates comes with an understanding of why I wasnt there, and the serenity in knowing that in some way, I was, and always will be.

R.I.P Dora Bliss
1-13-10

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

One to Grow On

Advice is like dick: not everyone can give it, and not everyone can take it.

If you're going to give it, take into account who you're talking to, and deliver your opinion accordingly. If you are going to take a stance of brutal honesty, get clearance for it first. That way, if the person isnt really equipped to handle the truth as you see it, you can tell em to holla at you when they are. If you are not in a position to be honest in your advice-giving, dont give any. Just listen and let that person talk themselves to their own conclusion, because you won't help the situation. There is nothing more disturbing than somebody smiling and nodding along with some fool who done obviously lost their damn mind, cause they dont wanna hurt their feelings. And most importantly, dont stress yourself out about it, or get so personally vested that you are upset if they dont follow your advice. Understand two things: one, that person may not be telling you everything, which would explain why your advice is not being taken. Two, you can only lead the horse to the water. You cant make it drink. Sometimes, the best help you can give to people is to pray for them.

If you're going to ask for advice, be prepared for it to not be what you want to hear. Comisery is what girls nights are for, dont take that to somebody's couch space. If you call a friend and interrupt their primetime lineup, talking about you need to talk, or you want their opinion on something, don't expect them to stroke your ego. Keep in mind that while you and your friends would not be friends if you didnt have certain things in common, what to do in certain situations is not necessarily one of them. You cannot get upset if they dont agree with your line of thinking, and remember - YOU asked THEM for advice, not the other way around.

Most times I think it best to keep things to yourself and think it through over a number of hours or days, if you have the luxury of doing so. You eventually bring yourself to a decision about what should be done. This is especially directed at indecisive people, because bringing someone else into it will come back to bite you more often than not. You will swear up and down "Well im just gonna ..." or "I dont care no more, Im just not gonna...." and 3 days later, you are doing exactly what you said you wouldnt, looking stupid. Keep your business to yourself. Just because you have friends doesnt mean they need to know your every move. You came in this world by yourself, you'll likely leave it the same way, and there's a whole lotta consequences and repercussions in between that are the result of decisions YOU made, that only YOU have to deal with.

So be your own person. We all need a little help sometimes - a push in the right direction - but a push, not a roadmap and a ride too LOL. Choose for yourself and then the only side eye you have to deal with is the one coming from your own reflection in the mirror.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

What's a Girl To Do???

I was supposed to post earlier today but got busy, then distracted, then busy again (my bad) but here I am, and I cant find anything else to talk about except the conversation I just had on the phone.

So this guy I kinda have a thing for calls me, after having my number for two weeks, and the very first thing he tells me is that he is involved... ok, points for honesty... and then we continue to talk for about a half hour about the previous month or two of eyeing and smiling that had gone on, and the mutual interest that had spurred from it. I enjoyed talking to him but I couldn't help wondering what the point was.

Had I known he had a girlfriend, I would never have given him my number, and I would have thought he would not have called. He said he didnt want to mislead me, but he finds me attractive and interesting and just wanted to see what I was about. O....k.... then what? LOL

I mean, people meet people every day, and yes, I do believe that men and women can just be friends, but when the conversation is predicated on admissions of attraction (et al) doesnt that seem..... I dont know..... wrong? LOL I mean absolutely no good can come from this LOL. Im attracted to him, he is attracted to me, and all its going to take is the right set of circumstances at the right time and all hell is gonna break loose... right? I mean, am I being presumptuous? Am I holding him to the dogly standards Im so used to seeing without warrant, or is this really a recipe for disaster?

He seems like a really cool person and Im a really cool person so would I be doing myself a disservice by depriving myself of a friendship, or should I be running for the hills??? Maybe its too soon to tell. Its one conversation. Maybe making an assessment now would be premature. Hmmmm.... gotta sleep on this one.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Trying Times

I've had some hard shit to deal with in my life, but trying to explain death to an 8yr old without her losing sleep or having nightmares is some HARD SHIT. It was even harder because coming home to the news of what happened at her school, with all the grief counseling and rumor mill going on kinda put me in a shitty mood, and it was difficult to set that aside at first. She seemed okay for the most part initially, but once she got out of the shower this evening, she came to me about it, visibly upset, and I knew I had to let that go and just be the support that she needed. The problem was what to say. What the hell do you say?

My daughter has never experienced the death of someone she actually knew before. She came downstairs tonight and laid in my arms, telling me how she doesnt know how to deal with the death of the teacher at her school, because she cant stop thinking about her. She said she keeps thinking about the WAY she died, being shot to death, and is sad that somebody killed her. What am I supposed to do with that? *sigh*

I took a deep breath and started speaking slowly, thinking through it, not wanting to say the wrong thing. I told her that she shouldnt try not to think about Ms. Nina, because what makes people special is the things that we remember about them. I told her that her teacher is happy with God now and she should be happy about that. I told her she should feel special because a lot of people didnt get the chance to know Ms. Nina, but she did, and she got to know how nice and smart and caring she was. I told her that the things Ms. Nina did with her and her friends at the school were important and that she should always remember that with a smile.

Then I started talking about my aunt that passed away a few years ago from cancer. She was very close to me and it was hard for me at first, too. I told my baby that I did all the things I had just told her to do and it helped me. She seemed to identify with that more than anything else I said, and I hope to God it gets her through the night...

Thinking Out Loud

http://www.democratandchronicle.com/article/20100111/NEWS01/100111010/Police--Weekend-homicide-likely-stemmed-from-domestic-dispute&referrer=NEWSFRONTCAROUSEL?GID=6g/qTDBDAw1xHg3KyxlhQC+HkLrd95BZ7RIWrMTiXhA%3D


The above story is about a teacher's aide from my kids' school that was murdered last night, supposedly by an ex-boyfriend of hers. I've all but stopped watching the 11-o-clock news, so I had no idea this had occurred until I got home tonight and my kids told me. I also found out that my youngest, who is about to be 8 next week, saw a grief counselor.

Now, on the one hand, I am glad there was someone on hand to speak with the students today and help them through any feelings they may have been experiencing upon finding out, but on the other hand, I feel like I should have been notified at the time that my child went to see the counselor, or at the very least, at some point before the end of the school day, so that I could have been prepared to deal with any potential of residual feelings, rather than being blindsided by this news.

I might have to give the school a call in the morning.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Friday, January 8, 2010

Melancholy

My aunt is dying.

She isn't my real aunt, but my grandmother took care of her for most of her life, so she has been around since before I was born - I think. I mean, I dont remember a time when she wasn't.

She's an older lady - now - and she's got cancer, which runs in her biological family. It's the craziest cancer I ever heard of - it's everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. By the time I was told of her condition a few months ago, she was already in stage 4 or 5 - whichever one is the last stage before it kills you. It took the wind right out of me.

I know I had nothing to do with her contracting this disease, and I always knew she would die one day, but I feel a sense of guilt, knowing she is going to die this way. She is a white woman, with some sort of slight mental incapacity, and I remember, as kids, my cousins and I gave her hell. She was always the one left to babysit us and we made her cry on more than one occasion. We never listened to her and we always mocked her for how she talks. Things changed, of course, as we got older, and understood her story and her place in our family, but now that we are all facing this certainty, I can't help but feel horrible about those days I can't take back. She was always so sweet to us, despite our treatment of her, and even now, she never missed Christmas. Every year she would make sure to get everybody something, even if it was socks or dollar store trinkets, and I remember clearly how I felt when I opened the last gift she ever gave me - wine glasses. I looked at her, to say thank you, and she said she got them because she didnt think I had any.

I didn't.

Over the last couple of months, I've said several times that I was going to go by the house to see her - my aunt had taken the reins of being her caretaker after my grandmother died almost 15 years ago - but I never made it. Tonight my sister came by and told me that she is in the hospital, not expected to make it through the weekend. Again, it took the wind out of me. Hearing the description of her current condition and what the cancer had been said to have done to her breathing made me feel so pathetic. I hate that I never made it to see her when she still was able to hold an actual conversation. She can't talk now. The doctors took her off all the antibiotics and are administering heavy doses of pain medicine to make her as comfortable as possible, and have moved her to hospice. It's too late for me to go see her tonight, but the sad part is, if it wasn't, I dont know if I would have the courage to go.

I lost a FEW special people to cancer, the closest to me being my Aunt Judy. She lived in the Bronx, so I was unable to be there in her last hours too. I loved that woman with everything in me. I fear that going to the hospice will be about her and not the woman it's supposed to be about. She deserves better than that. I havent felt this conflicted in a long time and I dont know what I'm going to do.

I didn't feel so good today, so I said I wasnt drinking tonight, but I guess I lied. I guess I will sip on it now, pray on it later, and wake up to the destiny of my decision....

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Dude...

So there is this guy on my FB who apparently has decided he is infatuated with me. Fine, Im hot, it happens LMAO! But will somebody please tell me when digging a woman means asking her every single day - EVERY SINGLE DAY - if you can come over? I got two words for you:

ARE YOU FKN STUPID? LOL

Seriously. I know there are times when sitting in the house, having a drink or watching a movie is hot. Making your first impression on me is NOT one of those times. You dont get to do that until you have some kind of rapport built and until I feel comfortable with you a) knowing where I live and b) being in the same space as my midgets.

But my main question is: is courting a lost art?

Now, I havent done a whole hell of a lot of dating in the last year, but the dating I have done, both in this year and in years prior, was sad LOL. I mean, what ever happened to a brotha calling you a few times, then wanting to take you to lunch or dinner, or Walmart LOL - WHEREVER? And if or when that time comes when you are invited to (or allowed at) the house, arent you supposed to bring something? Bottle of wine, a pepsi, SOMETHING??? LOL

Dudes are just tacky today and its depressing LOL. No wonder so many relationships (or whatever you wanna call em) fail so miserably. Men dont even know how to act in the early stages. And the crazy part is, the men who do have some "act right" are the ones that are already attached, so no wonder they aint shit LOL. The women all swarm to the guys who have a little dating class (even when they dead ass wrong) so if that guy just happens to be your man, and he has a wandering eye, girl..... *smh*

Whats bad is the dude seems cool. He's just hella thirsty-acting. Fellas, you dont need to constantly tell a woman how beautiful she is. The fact that you are all up in her grill is enough evidence of your attraction to her. A secure woman will get bored with that shyt quick and start wonder about your intentions. And definitely dont beat her in the head with the how much you want her nonsense. Again, youre here, aint you? She knows you want her. What else you got? LOL She knows why youre there, the question is why should she give you the time of day. You are probably at the end of a long line of other guys who "want her" too, so you need to give her a reason to separate you from them. Give her a reason to give a damn that you want to see her, cause I promise you, right now, she doesnt LOL. If you are satisfied taking a number and waiting in line, you go ahead and continue doing what youre doing, and she will eventually call you when guy #122 pisses her off and she needs someone to make him jealous with. But then you'll be right back on the back burner when her strategy works and guy #122 starts acting right again LOL.

Get it together. Seriously.

Susan Miller

Hey y'all! I come across a lot of cool stuff online and from time to time, I like to share (hence the tax estimator link last night). So here is another one. This link gives you your horoscope for an entire month, specific down to the days, and I've found it to be pretty good. So you can see an example, Ive posted the Capricorn horoscope for this month below. Get yours at http://www.astrologyzone.com



Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Your January Horoscope by Susan Miller





Capricorn Horoscope for January 2010


By Susan Miller



This could prove to be a turning point month when much will be revealed and a new life chapter will start to shape up before your eyes. Two eclipses are due this month, the first, in your opposite sign of Cancer, putting the emphasis on a close partner of yours. The second one will be a new moon solar eclipse, and will appear in Capricorn, underscoring your own needs and dreams for the future.


That second eclipse of January 15 will be a wonderful blessing and will give you energy and a new sense of purpose. You will be of clear mind and spirit and will likely be elated by the unexpected opportunities that come up. Let's have a closer look at all that is due this month, for clearly, you will be in the center of all that happens.


On December 31 or January 1, depending on your geographic location, the full moon lunar eclipse will occur in your opposite sign of Cancer, highlighting one key partnership or marital matter. A while back you may not have known you'd ever have to decide the matter that will come up for decision now, but eclipses often bring surprise news or else they speed up timetables in a way that forces us to make decisions much sooner than we ever thought possible.


The results of this first lunar eclipse will depend on how your relationship had been proceeding until now. However, having said that, you may not be aware of all that has been going on, perhaps in secret. Eclipses will always reveal hidden truths.


Sometimes they reveal joyous, positive feelings that had been hidden deep within the heart of your partner. In that case, some Capricorns will get engaged or married for New Year's. Or, if you planned to marry eventually, something may happen that causes you to speed up that timetable dramatically.


Here's an example. Let's say you planned to marry in two years after you've saved for a house, but on the eclipse your partner is transferred to a distant foreign city - you'll want to go together and marry now!


The moon also rules your domestic condition, so you may move or see a change within your family. For example, you may welcome a new baby or see someone leave your household, say, if an older child goes off to college or when a roommate moves out to get married.


Although it's hard for me to say this, I will admit that some Capricorns will break up or file for divorce as a result of the lunar eclipse December 31-January 1.


Although the two possible outcomes that I have described (marry or split) are quite opposite, they are united in one important way. Your alliance will be clarified and that will allow you to move forward in a productive way.


If your birthday falls on December 31, or within five days of this date, you will feel this eclipse most directly. If you were not born near this date, you may not notice the effects of this eclipse very much at all.


Eclipses usually illuminate their messages with a fairly casual comment or random event that comes in from the outside world. This news usually reveals quite a bit about the situation. Afterward, you will feel changed by what you learn. In that way, eclipses bring on a kind of rite of passage that brings us to a whole new place and that provides us with a brand new perspective. They require decisiveness, however - there never is a chance to go back to change things to the way they were before.


When you walk over the bridge, once you are safely on the other side, the bridge will collapse or disappear in some way - there will be no route back to where you started. If you break up, don't try to come together again after an eclipse - it never works. Eclipses are non-negotiable events. Protect your dignity and move forward. If you don't feel comfortable with life as you find it in the months ahead, you can make more changes as you move forward later, but you won't be able to go back again.


The matter may not be fully crystallized by January 1, but it appears that you do have a plan. Saturn will begin to go retrograde on January 13 until May 30, so talks or plans may proceed slowly. I love January however, in that many planets - Venus, Mercury, Pluto, the new moon, and Sun - will be in your sign, Capricorn, and all of them will fiercely protect your interests. This is a good month for you, dear Capricorn, especially from January 16 on.


The second eclipse will be quite thrilling. It'll be the official start of the movie that is all about you, and where you will have the staring role. A new moon solar eclipse in one's own sign always marks a big turn of events for the better, but especially so if your birthday falls within five days of the date the solar eclipse arrives, January 15.


Sometimes, however, an important man in your life leaves your immediate surroundings forever as a result of a solar eclipse. I say a man because "solar" or "Sun" is usually male in astrology. In that respect, you have to remain flexible, but it could be a boss you never liked who is leaving, or a deadbeat lover who never treated you well.


Overall, the January 15 eclipse will be a wonderful development and help you set your life on much more stable ground. Uranus, the planet of surprise that is known to strike like lightning, will send a perfect beam to this eclipse, so the developments that come up should make you very happy and will leave you speechless. Watch what happens in the days that follow January 15.


Mercury will be retrograde in Capricorn as the month begins, so after the January 1 lunar eclipse delivers its news, spend the rest of the first half of January working on your blueprints and perfecting your plans. Take time to assess all your assumptions, for you may find something's off.


When you are ready, but not before January 18, press forward. If you act on or after that date, you will have the powerful solar eclipse behind you to help you get the results you're after.


If you have no romantic partner (nor any business partner either, for as said this could affect your business partnership), then you may not feel the December 31-January 1 lunar eclipse very much at all. You may meet someone new after the second eclipse though, after January 15, and that's an exciting possibility. It would be the perfect time to meet someone intriguing too, for that eclipse will open a whole new path for you.


Venus will be in Capricorn from January 1 to 18, making your charms very visible at just the right time, birthday month! If you want to take any major steps to improve your looks, I would suggest you schedule salon and barbershop visits for on or after January 17. By that I mean radical changes - little grooming treatments and hair trims can be done at any time.


In terms of your most romantic dates, if you are single and unattached, or attached and in a good strong relationship, these dates will be your best for love: January 6, 7, 9, 12-15, 18-19, and 22-24.


Now and in coming months, protect your health. Sometimes when eclipses come by in one's own sign, as is the case for you this year, a health matter will arise that needs attention. The universe does this to help and protect you, dear Capricorn. If you feel that something is not quite right with a part of your body, make a doctor's appointment, and don't wait for it to go away by itself. All medical concerns are best treated immediately.


The fact that you may be noticing something near an eclipse is significant, so don't wave it off and assume it will clear up without your intervention. You have beautiful support this year from Jupiter, a planet not only known for good fortune, but for its healing properties, too. Jupiter will form what is called a "sextile" to your Sun this year, considered an aspect denoting opportunity. You need to take action to unlock Jupiter's goodness, so if you need medical advice (or even a second opinion, also favored), don't delay!


Now let's turn to your finances.


Money has been going through your fingers ever since Mars entered Leo in mid-October, for your expenses have been high. Now that Mars went retrograde on December 20, they may have temporarily slowed down, but with Mars due to go direct on March 10, to stay in your house of credit until June 7, you will need to keep an eye on the outgo.


Last year - 2009 - you seem to have made a good income, but now that Jupiter, the great benefic, is about to leave your earned income sector, earning as much or more may become more challenging. This may be true for a number of reasons, ranging from the recession to your lack of desire to prove you can make a lot. You may feel that you've "been there, done that" and will be more interested in finding satisfaction in other areas of life.


Looking at your chart, it appears that your money has been going into your home or other property. You may be buying a home, or fixing one up. It is also possible that you are writing checks to help a family member, perhaps an elderly parent.


This month, on the full moon, January 30, you will crystallize some sort of financial settlement. This full moon will be aligned with Mars, so it will require some sort of decisive action.


Travel will also become a lovely diversion from now on, for Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will move into your third house of short distance and learning. You will be on the road quite a bit in 2010 for any number of reasons, ranging from having a love relationship in a nearby town to having to work to see a good client based in a town a short drive away.


Your sister or brother may help you in some way from now on, and you may even go into business or buy real estate together. This year, that would be a good idea to investigate.


You and I will talk more about this exciting news in my next report, for Jupiter will remain in this area of your chart and help you in completely new ways in 2010. See you next month!



Summary


Every once in a while the universe is in perfect sync with our goals, and things begin to slip into place almost effortlessly. Obviously, this will be your outlook once you get to the solar eclipse, January 15 and the days and weeks to come. No matter what has been going on in your life, you are about to get powerful help now. Some of the breakthroughs you experience will come out of the blue, quite unexpectedly. Keep your calendar open in the second half of January because that's when you need to roll, and you'll have to respond quickly to offers and events as they occur. If your birthday falls within five days of January 15, this month could mark a major turning point. All Capricorns, however, will have some very special news to enjoy.


If you could only see the planetary pattern in the sky in mid-January! Venus, Pluto, Mercury, the Sun, and new moon will all be in your sign. You now find yourself in a transition period, moving from one way of life to a new one. This happens whenever the eclipses travel back to Capricorn and Cancer, which happens once every nine years.


On January 1 (or December 31, depending on where you live in the world and the time zone you are in), you will experience an important lunar eclipse in Cancer, so you may see a major development in regard to a steady partner at that time. If you were born on or near December 31, that eclipse would have been doubly powerful. The eclipse made that decision time in your relationship, to stay and make more of the relationship or to leave.


Be satisfied with whatever decision you made about your love life. If you are in love, then enjoy your closeness and make plans to solidify your relationship. If you broke up, have faith that better things are on the way. The universe is impatient to get you to a more stable place, and to that end, your life is now in a major transformation for the better. If you are single, having Venus in Capricorn until January 18 will be just what you need to help you get noticed - and later, adored.


Mars is still in a strongly financial house, so it appears you are spending a lot of money these days. Mars will remain retrograde until March 10, so try to hold the line as best you can until March. You will have better support from bankers and other financial types at that time too, so you may want to wait to finalize financial deals at that time.


The full moon on January 30 may become a financial watershed moment when you need to decide to settle a monetary matter or make a key decision about one. It appears a large amount of cash will go out of your checking account then. Fortunately the Sun and Saturn, the latter being your ruling planet, will be beautifully oriented to one another, suggesting that you may be buying or leasing a house or apartment, making repairs, renovating, or acquiring furniture in an effort to stabilize your living situation. This could account for the large outgo.


Travel to nearby cities will soon emerge as a major theme, thanks to the arrival of Jupiter to Pisces on January 17 for months to come. If you work in sales, your best clients will be out of town, within 100 to 300 miles from where you live.


In the coming year you will learn to communicate effectively in a new way - you may redo your website, create a blog, get your own radio or TV show, or be asked to write a book or column. It's an exciting trend, and one you'll love!



Capricorn Dates to Note


December 31 or January 1 (depending on your time zone) will bring the emotional eclipse in Cancer. It could be a very trying day, for something will end.


January 15 brings a solar eclipse in Capricorn, your time to state new plans and to make surprising announcements. You will have quite a bit of control on these dates.


Venus in Capricorn January 1- 18 will help you find soothing words, if you need them. This will be a perfect time to see about adding a special touch to your appearance.


Your ruling planet will retrograde beginning January 13 until June 12. From then on, spend time on the projects you have already started, rather than initiate new ones.


Mercury will stop retrograding January 15. Do not sign any papers prior to that date.


Money owed to others or that you anticipate collecting will be your whole focus at the full moon January 30, plus or minus four days.


Depending on what happens with the eclipses, romance may be very special or dreadful, and of course, that depends on what's been happening over a very long period of time.


If love has been good, then these dates will be your best for love: January 6, 7, 9, 12-15, 18-19, and 22-24.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Paying Homage




Not a lot of people have seen this clip, but its one of my favorite obscure Michael vids. Its not super spectacular, no real frills, but I find it quite moving.

He sings for all of what - 2 minutes? But think about how big a star Michael Jackson was. Think of the tremendous impact he had on music and on people all over the world. To let a lot of industry outlets tell it, he was the single most important artist damn near ever, and still, even he has to pay homage to those who paved the way for him to be there. The last lyrics of the song, followed by his signature moves.... it's priceless.

Just goes to show - you're never too big.

Woulda loved...




.....to have been at this party!

A Handy Link

Want a rough estimate of what your tax refund will be?

http://www.taxbrain.com/taxcalculator/default.asp

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Irritation Ventilation

You know what really annoys me? When people know they want to do something - or DONT want to do something - and instead of just saying so, they go through the motions with people. For what? Stop playing games wit yaself.

- You really not fkn wit her no more. So stop fkn wit her.

- He ____________ [<-- insert random bullshit here], but you know you gonna fk him anyway as soon as you think nobody's looking, so stop talkin my head off and go buy some condoms.

- Just because I invited you doesnt mean you have to come. Do us both a favor and dont - that's less frontin for you and more Corona for me.

WTF is wrong with some of yall?

At a certain point in life, its not even about right and wrong anymore. We've all done enough of both to last us through reincarnation. By the time we hit 30, we should be comfortable enough with their own preferences to be able to tell somebody no, or tell somebody yes, or stop fkn talkin to somebody they never really liked in the first place, or just stopped liking yesterday LOL. Or (and listen closely to this one, folks) when somebody asks you something that is none of their business, tell them MF's it's none of their business. Dont go into some ole vague, half-assed answer [read: LIE!] that's just gon make you look shady anyway. I cant STAND that shit! If you dont want to tell somebody something, then DONT FKN TELL EM! People ain't entitled to know your business, I don't care how good of friends you are.

Whatever it is that you feel you wanna do - or not do - go with that. You dont owe nobody an explanation as to why you - a grown ass person - made a decision for YOUR life. Stay your ass home, you aint hurting MY feelings LOL. Shit.

*sigh*

[/rant]

Monday, January 4, 2010

My Mother's Child

They say that the sins of the father are revisited on the son. I believe that to be true.

I did some thinking the other day, in light of having the house to myself, with nothing to do but laundry and Lifetime, and I came to the conclusion that I am a good parent, but for all the wrong reasons.

I love my mother, but I resent her at the same time. I am not plagued with the vile hatred one thinks of when the word resentment is typically used, but I have the type of resentment that derives from being placed on a pedestal, then ripped down from it, all in the same breath. The type of resentment that comes out of having so many expectations placed on you, so many responsibilities thrown in your lap, only to be insulted with the doubt that I can fulfill them to any level of efficiency. The type of resentment you find when being the family Golden Child amounts to nothing more than never being good enough.

I hate my father - I admit it - but the fact of the matter is, I never really knew him and I have no desire to. In my mind, he’s been dead since 1999 when …. Well…. Just 1999.

Now as I type this, I realize that I am the parent that I am, yes, because I want for my children to have all the things that I wasn’t afforded, including an actual parent-child RELATIONSHIP not predicated on some desire to be lauded by people who don’t matter, for some smokescreen of achievements they delude themselves into thinking they had anything to do with, but also because there are things I endured at the hands of my parents that I have never been able to fully forgive them for. I tell myself I have, but deep down, there is still something there. I see that I do what I do for and with my children because I am afraid that if I fail them, they might never forgive me.

I grew up in a single parent home, at times on the taxes of millions, never knowing there was anything else until it was too late to make me insecure. I guess I should be thankful for that. Then at a relatively young age, by the standards I knew at the time, I settled down, had a couple of kids, and set out on my way to what society says is the “right” way to raise a family - two incomes, two cars, a mortgage and a ring. Thirteen years and 3 vehicle repos later, I am still my mother‘s child.

I’ve avoided the system, but not the sins, and there is no absolution. Everything I have ever done, everything I will do from this day on will always lead me back to the same result - I am my mother’s child.

I sometimes sit and wonder about my sisters - how they feel about their place in the world and if they …like the neighborhood. I wonder if they feel the pressure I always have to be something else. Not even better, just something ELSE. Then I think about that mindset and wonder if it’s a futile effort, because try as I may, succeed as I will, on the inside, I might never be anything more than my mother’s child.

But without my mother, I wouldn’t even be here. And maybe one day, twenty years from now, my kids will be writing a blog, reflecting on their lives, and appreciating - even if they don’t quite understand - all the things their mother did for them, even if her reasons were wrong.

I am my mother’s child. But maybe - just maybe - that’s enough.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Remember This?

You Be The Judge



For anyone who cares... they say this is Nicki Minaj before the Barbie makeover, and the root of the beef between her and Remy Ma. This vid was done by Cliffy Barz, back in 2007, the "underground king" known for blowin spots.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

B Movie Saturday

So I spent my whole day today watching black B movies. It's one of my favorite pastimes when I have a quiet, lazy day at home, and when its 12 degrees outside, let me tell you, Netflix is a girl's best friend.

So I'm watching movies and there were two that stood out to me. One is called "30 Years to Life" and is about a group of friends, all going through the "I'm about to turn 30" phase I wrote about yesterday. I've actually seen this movie before but it came up in the "suggested movies" row on Netflix, so I felt like God was telling me to watch it again LOL. If you are dealing with turning 30 and looking for someone to relate to you, it's pretty decent. Stars Tracy Morgan, Paula Jai Parker, and Allen Payne, just to name a few.

I watched this other movie called "Issues" too. It wasn't what I would call a "good movie" LOL but it was alright. Laz Alonso is really the only recognizable main character, but Todd Bridges and Reynaldo Rey also make an appearance. The reason I wanted to mention this flick is because one of the storylines tickled me.

Yall ever developed a "thing" for somebody you normally kinda hate? LOL

Ladies - has there ever been a dude that you found attractive, who at least appears to have all his shyt together, and all things considered, he might just be PERFECT for you...... if he wasn't such a ho? LOL Or asshole or liar?

And fellas - I KNOW you've known a woman who would check every box on the wifey checklist except for the fact that she is just SUCH a bitch! STAY with a funky attitude for no damn reason.

You're fine with it, because he/she might be hella sexy or have a fat ass, but you can't stand em because of that characteristic they display 98% of the time, so usually, you dont even allow yourself to think about that person "in that way".

But then..... ohhhhh then LOL......

THEN you have the misfortune of catching an itty bitty glimpse of something else inside this person, and you're all discombobulated. They say something that's so deep, or do something that is so sweet, or in some other way, shape or form, show you something outside of and sometimes completely opposite their usual M-O and for just a few seconds, that vision of you pushing them down a flight of stairs looks a lot more like you and them in a messy sweat on somebody's couch LOL.

Rochester is a small town, so in an effort to protect the innocent, I'm gonna be brief, but this one guy I know drives me up the damn wall. I don't hate him - we're actually cool - but I just can't fk with him cause this nigga AINT SHYT LOL. He's attractive, smart, soooo funny, has all his shyt together and I'm convinced he'd be a beast in the bedroom.... but everything I know about him tells me he just ain't shyt. Ever known a dude that claims to dig you, but will holla at your girlfriend right in front of you, then wonder why you dont believe he's really into you? The guy that tends to has a girlfriend-type stashed away somewhere that you always find out about through somebody else, or through some random pics SHE posted online? Yeah well, he's THAT guy LOL.

But he's charming, and if you ever find yourself in a conversation with him about something real, he can be sooooo deep. It's the only time you feel like he's really being honest with you, and suddenly you notice his smile and the temperature in the room goes up like 15 degrees LOL. I HATE those moments cause I like to have that force field of he-aint-shit-ness between us so I dont have to deal with almost liking him, but the good part is that I dont talk to him often and I see him even less, so I'm usually safe.

*Sighhhhhhhh*

I have to laugh just thinking about it. If he had any idea I felt this way, I'd be in trouble. He'd do everything in his power to break me, and I get the feeling he'd eventually wear me down, so lets just keep this our little secret LOL.

Friday, January 1, 2010

I Wanna Testify

I am 34 years old today. I just finished my obligatory near-daily blog post, and I’ve responded individually to everyone who took the time out to wish me a happy birthday on Facebook and now I am just chilling on my couch, having a drink and reflecting on my life.

I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day and we discussed the way people tend to fall into a little bit of a depression when they are about to turn thirty, thinking about all the things they thought they would have accomplished by that time that they hadn’t. I never had that experience.

When I was 4-years old, I had open heart surgery that no one expected me to fully recover from. In saying that, what I mean is the doctor who had performed my surgery had never done it before and the procedure they employed was a fairly new one, so no one really knew if it would hold. Furthermore, it was thought that even if the surgery was successful, I would likely have to have it again in ten years, and there was no real knowledge of whether or not I’d need it again after that, or if I would be able to lead a normal life, without restriction. To everyone’s wonderment, I made a full recovery and never needed to have the procedure repeated, or have any restrictions placed on my activities. Thirty years later, I am relatively healthy and have even had two children that I would have been advised not to have if my last cardiologist had his way. So you see, in my mind, I’m not even supposed to be here. In my mind, I’ve always been on borrowed time, so each day, let alone year, is just an amazing blessing. Looking ahead was never something I had the luxury of doing. I never knew if my health would hold up so until a few years ago, when I changed to my current cardiologist, even when I tried to, I was unable to see myself as an old woman. Looking ahead to 30 at the age of 18 was something I never did, feeling it might be a moot point, so there was no feeling of shortcoming as that age approached. Still, I understand.

I had my first heartbreak at 14. I lost my virginity at 15. I was 20 the first time I told a man I loved him and 21 when I first realized it wasn’t enough. I had my first child at 22, and my second at 26. I gained my sexual freedom at 30 and at 34, I’m no closer to “figuring it out” than I was at 4. But the one thing I do know is that everything eventually comes full circle. Everything we do is somehow tied to everything we’ve done, and even the moments we would give anything to forget somehow come back and have some future relevance.

I said in my last post that the last good year that stands out to me was 1998. I would be remissed if I didn’t give honorable mention to 2004. I did a lot that year that helped me know what it means to really live, and I learned some very valuable life lessons. I traveled - a LOT LOL - and I met a couple of people who would prove to have a long-lasting effect on my life. I thought about one of them today. 2006 was no slouch either - I met some of the dearest people in my life that year. So with 2010 comes a lot of promise and a lot of expectation, but as much as I expect from it, I have no doubt it will require much of me as well.

What will the year hold for me? Will I have my next great romance? Will my surroundings change? Will my friends? Am I finally going to get and keep my money right? I don’t know. All I know is that change IS on the horizon and it feels positive - very positive. I’m sitting on my couch just feeling blessed beyond measure, for no other reason than I am.

I am blessed to be alive, I am blessed to have had the opportunity to be a mom, and I am blessed to have known what love feels like, even if I had the misfortune of it slipping through my fingers. I am blessed to have such good friends that I know a phony when I see one, and I am blessed to have enough confidence in myself that I can embrace my insecurities as simply the price of being human. I am blessed to be able to make mistakes and learn from them - and then consciously decide to freely make them again. Some are too much fun to make just once LOL. I am blessed to have born witness to enough miracles in my own life to know that there is a loving, forgiving and omnipotent God above who has loved me through all my imperfections and ungodliness, and I am blessed to have confirmation that I have had a positive impact on the lives of so many people, that didn’t require me lying in a casket to get.

Despite the downs I’ve been through… despite all the pain and betrayal and uncertainty… despite all the things that wear so heavily on a woman’s spirit, I AM BLESSED!

And so are you.

Happy New Year?

I meant to holla at yall yesterday, but between cleaning up, making store runs, and entertaining company throughout the day, I just wasn't able to get to it. So as I celebrate my birthday today, I want to take the time now to wish you all a happy and prosperous 2010!

By all accounts, having a better year than 2009 won't be that hard. It was a very difficult year for most. Whether it was financial hardship, the loss of loved ones (RIP MJ), job dissatisfaction or the straining of friendships, I think we'll all be glad to leave it behind.

Historically at the completion of a difficult year - which 2009 was for me - I'd look to the newly approaching year for redemption. But I have grown frustrated in those attempts, as, year over year, there has been no redemption to be found. Two days ago, my girlfriend said something to me that led me down a path to a possible explanation as to why that is. While venting to me about some things that have been bothering her, she said something about how her life having been in tumult for the last ten years, and suddenly, a lightbulb went off. What if we dont really start anew every year? What if our lifecycles are measured in decades? Or twelve-year periods, like the Chinese zodiac suggests? Or some other chunk of astrological time? I mean, the world is said to be ruled in "ages" (this being the age of Aquarius) that span about 2,150 years. Our individual life cycles could very well follow a similar pattern.

Now, there is good and bad in every year, but recently, for me, they seem to have been more bad than good. The last year that stands out to me as being a really great one is... 1998. In retrospect, the 90's, in general, were pretty good to me, and things began to shift just before the turn of the century. The new millenium opened my eyes to a world of possibilities, yet I always seemed to fall just short of realizing most of the goals I'd set. That being said, I have made more personal strides in the past 3 months than I have in the last 3 years, so maybe things are on the cusp of shifting again. Maybe the 2000-teens puts me back on the upswing. The Chinese zodiac seems to indicate that 1988 to 2000 dated my previous life cycle and that one was great! 2012 would officially mark the end of the one I'm in now and the actual beginning of my next one, so there might actually be something to this theory. Read up on it. You might be very surprised at how closely it coincides with events from your own life.

Whatever the explanation, I must say that I feel really good about 2010, which is not something I have been able to honestly say in quite a few years. I almost feel as if I have been in a trance for the last 10 years and have finally snapped out of it - and it didnt just start last night, waiting for the ball to drop. I am feeling very optimistic about what lies ahead, whether the outcome is a result of my own planning or that of a higher power. I truly hope you all have the same positive outlook on your futures. So with that, I bid you adieu, and if you haven't committed yourself to any specific changes in the new year, then do something for ME. In 2010, find something to believe in....