Monday, June 28, 2010

2010 BET Awards

So the BET awards were on tonight and you know I had to tune in. They were honoring Prince with a lifetime achievement award, but more importantly, there was to be another tribute to Michael Jackson. No way I would miss that, but first things first.

If you missed the show and are going to watch a re-air of it, let me save you some grief – skip the first hour. Seriously. You might miss one or two people you’d have wanted to SEE but the performances were lackluster, at best, for the most part. It didn’t start getting good until Nia Long showed up on stage, reenacting a scene from Love Jones, with none other than Larenz Tate, lookin scrumptious beyond legal limits, I might add.

Then, an hour and a half into the show, Jermaine Jackson appears and introduced the MJ tribute. Who’s performing it, you ask? Why, Chris Brown, of course.

Now I know you all remember that Breezy was blackballed from a lotta shit last year, behind that altercation with Rhianna, and therefore, was unable to participate in the tribute BET put together for him last year. When I tell you that this boy killed it, I mean he KILLED IT!! I don’t care if you hate Chris Brown for the rest of your life, on account of him putting his hands on Rhianna, but nobody could have watched that dance performance and not given him his props. You tell me one other person who could have done it better – just ONE. Don’t worry, I’ll wait………………………….

**still waiting**

Don’t even waste your time.

Facebook was all abuzz afterwards, because after the dancing segment, he was supposed to sing Man in the Mirror, but he couldn’t stop crying long enough to do it. It took a minute to realize that he was crying, and not winded, but the big controversy online was whether his breakdown was real or not. Some said he was crying for real, but it was because he was trying to gain sympathy from the Rhianna fiasco. Some said the breakdown was contrived and that the whole situation was a set up.

COME ON SON!

Listen. This boy did something that we all agree he shouldn’t have. He paid for it legally, he paid for it professionally, and worst of all, he paid for it personally, not being able to participate in the original tributes that were put together on ANY show for the person that everybody knows was his idol. A YEAR LATER, he is finally allowed to do it, and is introduced by the man’s FAMILY, he, very visibly, leaves his heart out on that stage, and they expect the boy to be able to sing? I’m sure he did it in rehearsals, or they wouldn’t have kept it in the show, but don’t people think the magnitude of the night would come down on him come showtime? He wasn’t just crying, he was going through something, and you could SEE that shit. And Im not gonna say there wasn’t a little bit of redemption in it, but I think that’s warranted. You’re talking about a guy that could very well have become a casualty of his own stupidity, whose career could have been over, and for a while, Im sure he thought it was. In preparation, he was probably thinking to himself about the parallels between them – both being ostracized and alienated. At least, I would have. He’s paying tribute to his idol AND he’s being welcomed back into the fold, and the song he’s supposed to sing is Man in the Mirror, no less? Again….

COME ON SON!

Much better men would have broken down in that situation. Nevertheless, he was there to do a job, and he did the hell out of it. You couldn’t even be mad that he cried through the song. You just couldn’t. And to date, it’s the best tribute to Michael there has been, and quite frankly, Im not sure a better one is possible. I mean, unless somebody was gonna go dig Diana Ross outta the vault she’s been in for the last however long, nothing would have come close, IMO. But that’s me. Watch it for yourself, if you haven’t already.

Breezy stole the show, but there were definitely other highlights. Somebody went and dragged El Debarge outta the dungeons of has-been hell and OMG! Not only is he still a cutie, he still got the pipes. If Im not mistaken, he’s working on a new CD, and I don’t think Im mad at all LOL.

Contrary to Trey Songz’ efforts, the Prince tribute was all female, and a little disappointing. You know Prince aint having just no anybody perform his shit, but I think they get a big ole #FAIL on this one. Granted, Alicia Keys crawling her pregnant butt across a baby grand was interesting, and Patti did murder [the second half] of Purple Rain, but I definitely think it could have been a lot better. Prince was very gracious in his acceptance though, and kept it very brief. I like that.

Queen Latifah was an alright host, but I think it took the audience a minute to realize she was cracking jokes. They got it eventually. One thing I do need though, BET, is for yall to just let Mike Epps sit in the audience from now on. I love him in movies, but outside of those, dude is not funny. He’s just not. I want him to be, so bad, but he is corny as hell.

All in all though, it was a pretty good show, after the first hour. I think the tribute to MJ alone made it worth the watch. Way to man up, BET, and thanks for firing last year’s sound guy and getting someone who actually took a class or two. I appreciate that.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Remembering Michael




Shame on me for not doing this on Friday, but I was too busy mourning all over again in the morning and then celebrating at night. The one year anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death is upon us, and the local radio station has been playing his music all weekend, along with those artists who inspired or were inspired by him. I am sad all over again, knowing there wont be any more “sightings”, stories, videos or, more importantly, music, when I’ve spent 30 years obsessing over it. Michael Jackson has truly penned and sang the soundtrack to my life, as every song of his takes me back to some time or place. I still cry when I hear some of them, I still jam when I hear most of them, and I miss his musical presence whenever I hear any of them.

I recall, like it was yesterday, receiving a multitude of text messages while I was in the middle of the produce section of Wegmans. “Are you sitting down?” “Oh girl... You better get home.” “Are you alright?” (thinking I had already heard). Then I overheard a conversation in front of me, which I wrote off as people not knowing what the hell they were talking about. There they go, starting rumors. But it wasn’t a rumor, as I found out when I got in the car and turned on the radio, and the 6-minute drive home seemed like the longest ever.

And now as I sit here OD-ing on MJ documentaries and video marathons, hoping BET will step up and do some better shit to honor him tonight than they did last year, it still doesn’t seem real to me. Im not sure that it ever will, but I do know that as long as there is breath in MY body, Michael Jackson will never be forgotten.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

You'll Always Know

“You’ll always know the reasons why we’ll never have the moon and the sky…”

Oddly enough, I was thinking about my first boyfriend when this song came on. I don’t think about him often at all, but when I do, its usually about the song and dance we do whenever we see each other – we stop and chat briefly and he asks for my number, or gives me his, then we speak once or twice after that and then nothing. And I imagine myself asking him every time, “aren’t you tired of doing the same dance?” and he pretends not to know what I mean, dismissing my explanation and leaving, yet again, with my number, or me with his. Next time, we’ll just leave. Years of dancing is hell on your feet, and the music stopped playing a long time ago.

I briefly thought about a couple of other guys who have had one foot in and one foot out of my life for a number of years and I think, yeah, they know too. They know exactly why we’ll never be anything more than this – and frankly, I am even tired of THIS. And lastly, my Ex – with a capital E. I know he is going to attempt reconciliation when he returns and its just not something I will ever be able to do. There was a time that I felt guilty for not being able to let bygones be, but now I realize that I have the right not to. I forgive him, but I will never be able to forget, because every time I come across that void he left me with, I will remember. Every time I look to that place in me, that part of me, that no longer exists, I remember. Every time I trip over this rock in the path of my spirit that wasn’t here before, I remember. You know how people get surgeries to remove the part of their brain that desires something bad – like nicotine or deviant behavior? I feel like he did that to me. He removed the part of me that was able to trust and be in love with him and its irreparable. I think about the times that he tried to kiss me and I’d literally feel a dry heave coming. The thought of being with him physically repulses me. Im not even kidding, it makes me physically sick. So there is no going back for us, but he’ll always know the reasons why.

It seems almost every boyfriend I have ever had has come back around, but the reasons those relationships ended always leave me like “dude, what are you doing?” LOL Like… what on earth would make you think I would go back there? I cannot think of one [official] ex of mine that I would take back today. Some were douches, some had manhood issues, some wouldn’t know the truth if they choked on it and some just don’t jive with the person I’ve become since their first go-round. Not a one would I take back, and Im sure they all know why. But Im glad Sade reminded me tonight, because I gotta admit... sometimes, when the music’s playing and Im in the middle of the mall, I forget...

I Think Im Just Over It

I have a really good memory. I’ve always known this, but after talking to a friend today who I haven’t really talked to in a while until recently, I realized its kind of sick LOL. Granted, there are inconsequential things that I forget, but I remember most important things, sometimes down to dates and days of the week, years later. I ran down a situation today that I wasn’t sure I would recall, simply because it had been so long, and I talked myself through every damn detail like it was yesterday. Part of that, I’m sure, was because some of it was painful and you don’t tend to forget things that hurt you, but out of that conversation came a lot of good. We resolved the thing that had separated us and I also got to thinking, through other random conversation, about some really great moments in love that I have had in my life.

I had a man propose to me on the ledge of a waterfall.

I had a man feed me passion fruit by candlelight, and slow dance with me in the middle of my living room.

I had a man hold me while I cried and tell me he’ll always be here – and he still shows up whenever I call.

I’ve had crab legs and corona delivered to my door every Friday like clockwork.

I’ve had a sushi lesson that ended in fire coming out of my nose, followed by twenty minutes of hysterical laughter and a legendary “I Never” experience none of my friends will ever let me forget.

I had a guy climb through my window to bring me orange juice, crackers and soup when I was sick ….and on punishment.

I had a guy search the Internet for a trench coat I saw in a video so I could wear it when we recreate said video in the middle of Times Square. He never found it, but the effort tickled me to pieces.

I have had a lot of beautiful moments like these, so its almost all worth the bullshit I have had to deal with, just to say that I did. ALMOST LOL. No really, through everything, Im not sure I’d change any of it. Well….. maybe one…. but that’s because, all things considered, no real good came from that situation, and no positive experience was had that wasn’t also had somewhere else along the line, so he could be totally eliminated from my history and I could be spared the aggravation he caused.

I guess being able to pull these files from the cabinet of my life is the main reason Im not jaded – although, if people had access to the files in that “other” cabinet, no one could blame me if I was. I don’t hate men, I don’t blame them all for the bullshit of a few, and I don’t engage in bashing of any sort…. I don’t think LOL. The problem now is the dumb shit that makes me not wanna be bothered.

Like a couple of weeks ago. This guy told me I make him laugh, like it was breaking news. That led to a very brief conversation about all the other things about me and our relationship that he deems positive, which should cancel out the ONE negative of the distance between us, which he followed up with something like “I guess I have some things to think about.”

**staring into the camera**

GTFOH with that bullshit. Six years, its been. Now, all of a sudden, Im supposed to believe this light just went off (a light which I, myself, have not only turned on for you several times in the past, but pulled from the damn ceiling, waved in front of your face, and beat you within an inch of your life with, mind you) and now you have some things to think about? Pardon me if I don’t hold my breath, because you and I both know the only reason we are even having this conversation is because I stopped sweating you and you want to see if you can still reel me in. Im good, thanks.

Games. But that’s the type of dumb shit Im talking about. I realized in talking to my girlfriend, who wants a boyfriend more than her next breath, that I don’t, and whats worse, I really just don’t care, at the moment, if I never officially have another one. I mean, if I fall into something, that’s fine, but its not really on my list of things to do. I have enough guy friends to get my testosterone fix, and sex – well – half these fools out here cant even get that right these days (don’t even get me started on that LOL) but if I want that, I can get that too. At this particular second (cause it could change at any moment LOL) I just feel like I don’t wanna have anybody hovering around all the time, calling all the time, asking a hundred questions and feeling entitled to answers. I’ve grown to like my space too much, I think. I’ve grown to enjoy not having to explain myself or my actions or what I meant by something and I like dealing with people on my own terms – only if and when I feel like it. I guess the single life has spoiled me a bit, but that being said, I do believe that its just a matter of the RIGHT person coming along. The RIGHT guy could have me throwing all of that out the window and I am in no way in denial about that, but he’s gonna have to find me, cause right now, Im chillin.

Now watch Mr Right get a flat tire in front of my house tomorrow and need to use my phone, just cause I said that LOL…. **smh**

I Think Im Just Over It

I have a really good memory. I’ve always known this, but after talking to a friend today who I haven’t really talked to in a while until recently, I realized its kind of sick LOL. Granted, there are inconsequential things that I forget, but I remember most important things, sometimes down to dates and days of the week, years later. I ran down a situation today that I wasn’t sure I would recall, simply because it had been so long, and I talked myself through every damn detail like it was yesterday. Part of that, I’m sure, was because some of it was painful and you don’t tend to forget things that hurt you, but out of that conversation came a lot of good. We resolved the thing that had separated us and I also got to thinking, through other random conversation, about some really great moments in love that I have had in my life.

I had a man propose to me on the ledge of a waterfall.

I had a man feed me passion fruit by candlelight, and slow dance with me in the middle of my living room.

I had a man hold me while I cried and tell me he’ll always be here – and he still shows up whenever I call.

I’ve had crab legs and corona delivered to my door every Friday like clockwork.

I’ve had a sushi lesson that ended in fire coming out of my nose, followed by twenty minutes of hysterical laughter and a legendary “I Never” experience none of my friends will ever let me forget.

I had a guy climb through my window to bring me orange juice, crackers and soup when I was sick ….and on punishment.

I had a guy search the Internet for a trench coat I saw in a video so I could wear it when we recreate said video in the middle of Times Square. He never found it, but the effort tickled me to pieces.

I have had a lot of beautiful moments like these, so its almost all worth the bullshit I have had to deal with, just to say that I did. ALMOST LOL. No really, through everything, Im not sure I’d change any of it. Well….. maybe one…. but that’s because, all things considered, no real good came from that situation, and no positive experience was had that wasn’t also had somewhere else along the line, so he could be totally eliminated from my history and I could be spared the aggravation he caused.

I guess being able to pull these files from the cabinet of my life is the main reason Im not jaded – although, if people had access to the files in that “other” cabinet, no one could blame me if I was. I don’t hate men, I don’t blame them all for the bullshit of a few, and I don’t engage in bashing of any sort…. I don’t think LOL. The problem now is the dumb shit that makes me not wanna be bothered.

Like a couple of weeks ago. This guy told me I make him laugh, like it was breaking news. That led to a very brief conversation about all the other things about me and our relationship that he deems positive, which should cancel out the ONE negative of the distance between us, which he followed up with something like “I guess I have some things to think about.”

**staring into the camera**

GTFOH with that bullshit. Six years, its been. Now, all of a sudden, Im supposed to believe this light just went off (a light which I, myself, have not only turned on for you several times in the past, but pulled from the damn ceiling, waved in front of your face, and beat you within an inch of your life with, mind you) and now you have some things to think about? Pardon me if I don’t hold my breath, because you and I both know the only reason we are even having this conversation is because I stopped sweating you and you want to see if you can still reel me in. Im good, thanks.

Games. But that’s the type of dumb shit Im talking about. I realized in talking to my girlfriend, who wants a boyfriend more than her next breath, that I don’t, and whats worse, I really just don’t care, at the moment, if I never officially have another one. I mean, if I fall into something, that’s fine, but its not really on my list of things to do. I have enough guy friends to get my testosterone fix, and sex – well – half these fools out here cant even get that right these days (don’t even get me started on that LOL) but if I want that, I can get that too. At this particular second (cause it could change at any moment LOL) I just feel like I don’t wanna have anybody hovering around all the time, calling all the time, asking a hundred questions and feeling entitled to answers. I’ve grown to like my space too much, I think. I’ve grown to enjoy not having to explain myself or my actions or what I meant by something and I like dealing with people on my own terms – only if and when I feel like it. I guess the single life has spoiled me a bit, but that being said, I do believe that its just a matter of the RIGHT person coming along. The RIGHT guy could have me throwing all of that out the window and I am in no way in denial about that, but he’s gonna have to find me, cause right now, Im chillin.

Now watch Mr Right get a flat tire in front of my house tomorrow and need to use my phone, just cause I said that LOL…. **smh**

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I Aint Sayin She A Golddigger

I could probably be happy with him, as a person, but he's broke. Am I wrong for not entertaining the idea?

I mean, Ive been there and done that with others. No car, no job - or at least not one worth mentioning - and a whole lot of "well I could" but never do's. Great guy though, and loves me to death, always has, but somebody who could be doing more and just is satisfied with their station in life always ends up being a problem for me. Drive is sexy - at least to me. I dont wanna feel like a person is living off me, and said person definitely aint gonna be the "man" in the relationship if he's not being the "man" if you know what I mean. Im not looking for a house husband. I dont think I could even be with a man who wouldnt have issue with being one.

Is it me? Am I being.... IDK.... materialistic? I dont think I am. I mean, I aint never been a golddigger. I got my own, I get my own and dont need nobody else's, but I got kids to feed and bills to pay. Im a "fill the need" kinda woman, so another person [ultimately] in the situation is just another responsibility for me if he isnt pulling his weight, and Im really not tryna re-raise or take care of a grown ass man. Every time I talk to him, its smiles and warm fuzzies. Just seeing his name on my caller ID produces those effects, but.... if I know in the long run Im gonna require more.... arent I saving us both the time and trouble? I mean.... arent I?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Heated

**exhale**

There are three conversations I do not like to get into: politics, sexual orientation, and religion. The reason I don’t like to get into discussions on these topics is because they are all hot-buttons – people tend to be very passionate about their positions, whatever they may be, neither side is likely to concede to the other, and there really isn’t any way to “prove” the right over the wrong, because its all a matter of opinion, upbringing and preference. People have a very difficult time agreeing to disagree on these issues, and one or both parties tend to walk away with rustled feathers. I aint got time for all that.
However, I was exposed to a volley of comments on my FB thread this morning that pissed me SMOOTH off, so I have to vent now.

In an effort to avoid triggering any emotional response deeper than the point, Im not going to get into the details of the conversation, but suffice it to say that a joke was made, which CLEARLY went over this guy’s head, and his response was extra as hell. He started arguing – more or less with one other person, although we all thought he was an idiot – about what he felt the bible means in respect to judging people. In the process of arguing his point, he thought it was okay to belittle that person’s opinion, because he is “so well versed” on the bible and that person, admittedly, doesn’t go to church. Dude was spewing scriptures and the whole nine, which might have been somewhat impressive if his interpretation of said verses wasn’t like watching a kindergarten kid fingerpaint a recreation of the Sistine Chapel. Now I think we all can concur that a lot of things written in the bible are subject to interpretation, but other things are not all that obscure. For instance, “love thy neighbor” isn’t saying that you have to be nice to the guy that lives next door, but its okay to slap a person who lives across town LOL. “Judge not, lest ye be judged” is pretty cut and dry too, and the stupid part is that in defending his position, dude was about as un-Christian as he could have been, without cursing and calling the girl out her name.

See, this is why a lot of people don’t go to church in the first place. There are so many supposed Christians out here who are so quick to judge another person and try to make them feel inferior because they don’t know the bible backwards and forwards and don’t have their butt planted in a pew every Sunday, Wednesday and revival. I cant stand when people get all “holier than thou” because they have the bible memorized. That don’t make you better than nobody. Like my homey said earlier today, “Going to church and reading the bible don’t make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.” Your path is paved in what you practice.

If you can cede that these things ARE subject to interpretation, AND we are all imperfect human beings, molded by our upbringing, how can you not cede that your interpretation of what you read may be (is LOL) flawed, and how does your insistence on being right justify your treatment of the individual youre brow-beating right now? Is that the image of God you want to paint for someone? I thought the purpose of “enlightenment” was to draw people TO the Lord, not push them further away or make them feel further justified for not participating. That’s why I hate when some of these pastors comment in their sermons about men wearing earrings and women wearing pants, when there are “offenders” of both sitting out in the congregation at that moment, looking to be led, when they could have been at home watching VH1 reruns. They didn’t even do like I did today – settled for TV church because they were too lazy to go to actual church. They got out of bed and likely drove to your service in search of spiritual guidance and that’s what they get from you? You have an opportunity to win souls for Jesus and you go and make them feel unworthy and out of place, in the place they should feel most welcomed. My old church was like that. Lyfe Jennings has a song on his first CD about this. It’s powerful too – made me wanna go to church the next Sunday and sing it and piss a lotta people off, but you know what I did instead? I stopped going altogether. It took me a long time to go back – to a different church – understanding that it was just a matter of finding a place I felt comfortable worshipping at. I also understood that God is wherever I am, and being up in the third row every week didn’t guarantee me a space in Heaven any more than having a Kobe Bryant jersey would make me a Laker.

People really need to be more careful how they treat others, and how they misuse the gifts bestowed upon them. Someone who knows the bible so well has the ability to really inspire another person and forge a connection they would otherwise not experience. Use your powers for good and stop pretending youre not subject to the same rules as the rest of us. I deleted that guy from my friend list after that, and it wasnt even because I didnt agree with him. It was because he was being an arrogant ASS and I cant respect a person who cant respect others and feels like they have a right to talk down to somebody who did nothing but disagree with their perspective. Not to mention, she's MY friend. Who the hell are you to come on MY page and make somebody you dont even know feel like they cant have an opinion? We dont operate like that around here, EVERYBODY is somebody and we dont judge and condemn folks for who they are, or aint. You think you can get to Heaven with hell in your heart? Good luck with that.

My message: God loves ALL yall. There are good Christians and bad Christians, just like there are good and bad everything else. That goes for any religion you subscribe to, whatever name you call your higher power. Believe in HIM, not the guy in the pulpit or the lady in the big hat. They’re just people. JUST LIKE YOU.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Cleansing

So I was watching a movie today – one that I love – and my daughter came downstairs just in time to see me dabbing the mist from my eyes. She asked what was wrong and I told her that nothing was wrong, I just always cry when I watch that movie. She said, “Well if it always makes you cry, how come you keep watching it again?”

It got me thinking. Why do people watch movies over and over again that make them cry? I mean, nobody likes to cry, right? I said “Well, it does make me cry in some places, but it’s a really good movie and it being a good movie means more than the crying it makes me do.”

That got me thinking too LOL

I thought about all the things that people do that make them cry, or feel angry, or, in some other way, bad, and I wondered why they continue to do those things. That boyfriend who is such an asshole sometimes – why do you stay with him? Those songs we listen to that remind us of someone or some time in our lives that wasn’t so good to us – why don’t we turn them off when they come on? And yes, those movies that tear us up inside – we keep watching. And I came to the conclusion that even when its sadness or anger we feel, people subject themselves to it because it makes them feel alive. The world we live in can be so crazy that it makes you feel numb sometimes and you just wanna feel SOMETHING – something to remind you that youre still capable of feeling. Furthermore, no thing is all good or all bad. If that asshole was an asshole all the time, I’d guess a person wouldn’t stay with them. If that person or time that a particular song reminded you of didn’t have some other positive gravitational pull, you wouldn’t allow yourself to go back. I thought about that the most because the nights I enjoy most are those where Im sitting on my couch, drink in hand, candles lit all around me, listening to my quiet obsession, channel 843 on DTV. I think, I jam, and yes, sometimes, I cry, but afterwards, I feel free and clear of mind. The old people (and Lyfe Jennings LOL) say “crying is like taking your soul to the Laundromat” and I believe that wholeheartedly. Maybe that’s why we keep going back – to face and deal with ourselves, as well as face and deal with the people and situations we no longer wish to face and deal with.

I found the whole thought process very interesting, and to think, all that from a seemingly innocent, common sense question from an eight year old.

Gotta love it.

Friday, June 11, 2010

She Aint Slick

So I told yall the other day my mama been emailing me, asking me dumb ass questions lately, right? The next email after the area code bullshit got straight ignored. You can call your grandkids (at least the one of em who’s speaking to you LOL) and ask them when their school play is on. Stop fuckin talking to me.

The last email she sent me was that my aunt said she had been trying to call me and could never get through, like something was wrong with my phone, so please call her.

NO. LOL.

You aint slick. First of all, aint a damn thing wrong with my phone. All FOUR of them work just fine, LOL and you’ve called two of them yourself, so you know that. Second of all, Im not stupid. Do you really think I don’t know that you want me to talk to her so she can ask me to put some people up for the family reunion next month? You know good and damn well YOU cant ask me, my sister know good and damn well I have no intention on doing it, so she AINT gonna ask me LOL, so you get my dear, dear, aunt, who you know I care deeply for, to call and guilt me into it. Aint that some shit?

Here’s the thing yall. I don’t even know if Im going to participate in the family reunion festivities. Yes indeed, I will go holla at the visiting relatives, which include my other sister and a couple cousins that I haven’t seen in a very long time, but I don’t wanna be obligated to anything. I want to have the freedom to come and go as I please, IF I please, and not have people looking to me for anything, and that might be selfish of me, but I just don’t feel like being bothered. I just kinda feel like I never told yall I was doing this. I aint ordered no t-shirt, voted on nothing, matter of fact, I believe I originally said I didn’t even know if I would be in town for it, so how is it that my name comes up at all? It might not be so bad if certain people weren’t CONSTANTLY trying to force things on me and volunteer me for shit. I am a very nice person, I’d probably OFFER to do most things, but when you try to guilt me, like my mother is notorious for doing, or back me into a corner like I don’t have a choice, I feel that much more compelled to show you that I do. In all honesty though, Ive always been the family wildcard. On any given holiday, it was anybody’s guess whether I was gonna show up or not, and when I did, you’d better hope you were present, because I’d be gone just as fast as I appeared, and you’d be mad if you missed me, like Halley’s Comet LOL. There’s reasons for that though.

Its not that I don’t love my family – I do, even my mama who I cant damn stand – but they just dysfunctional as hell. Most people would say their family was somewhat dysfunctional, but there is really something wrong with these people LOL. I aint never seen so much drama in my life. At any given time, somebody in our family aint talking to somebody else. Sometimes the reason is valid, but usually isn’t, and either way, Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving dinner, Summer cookout, whatever – somebody gonna get into it. My family consists of primarily women, and there is a lot of jealousy whirling around. That drives people to comment where they shouldn’t, and react more strongly to comments than they should, and nobody knows how to let go of NOTHIN. They will get into it about some shit that happened 14 years ago, no bullshit, and then expect for everybody else to pick sides. What? LOL And when I say they get into it, I mean they GET INTO IT. Them fools will fistfight like people in the street right over your plate LOL. My two fifty-something year old aunts got into a fight last summer at the family reunion **smh** Im glad I wasn’t there, I just have a low tolerance for shit like that. And that’s why I make my appearances short and infrequent. I have learned the signs of shit bout to go down and when I see them, Im out. Yall wont get yall “crazy” on me LOL But truth be told, I think that is the reason a lot of the people who moved away, moved, and why some family members refuse to come up here for stuff. Don’t nobody wanna be bothered with that shit. That’s just like how no man wants to be bothered with no naggin, bitchin, miserable ass woman LOL. TOTALLY get it LOL.

So I really don’t feel like I am going to participate in this reunion stuff like that, and the weekend its supposed to be, I will be just getting back from outta town, so I already know I aint gonna feel like being bothered with no house guests. I know Im gonna get the full court press in the next two weeks cause time is winding down, but I know some of yall read this blog, so Im telling yall now, it aint lookin good….

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Love It!



Because I never left 1989, I bought this t-shirt. A little mad the orange is actually red, so matching them to my air max would be a total force, but its, no doubt, about to be my favorite shirt ever. I dont have to wear ANY shoes, its just that dope LOL!

LOL





Sliding Doors

Have you ever made a decision that you regret? Sure, you have. We all have. The real question should be why do you regret it? All things considered, do you honestly believe that you made a wrong decision, or is it just that your perception of the outcome is that you are worse off now than the person on the other end of that move? Hindsight is 20/20….in contacts LOL. I say that because in retrospect, a lot of things seem clear, but not enough is taken into consideration when looking back. The perspective is based on assumptions – a PERCEPTION of reality – which isn’t always accurate.

For instance… lets say you break up with somebody. Fast-forward five years and you haven’t had a real relationship since – at least none that wouldn’t pale in comparison – and its not because you aren’t looking or making yourself available, you just cant seem to find the right person. The other person, however, at least APPEARING to have rectified the issues that you essentially left them over, is now in a relationship, which they believe will likely culminate in marriage. A situation like this can lead the dumper to feel like they made a mistake, maybe should have been more patient and now look, this person “is all happy and I aint.”

Well…. I wont state the obvious right now, I’ll come back to it LOL. What I’d like to know is why do people always assume that they’d be happy if they had gone the other way? How do they know making a different choice wouldn’t have made them even worse off and how do you know you are far enough ahead to be looking back? Most things take a while to shake out. Its an extreme case, but I have a friend who, TEN YEARS AGO, swore she shoulda never stopped seeing this dude she was seeing back when we were in jr. high school, which was ten years before that. Just this past January, dude was indicted in the murder of his ex-girlfriend. See what I’m sayin? If the decision you made was the right thing for you AT THE TIME, be good with it. As years go by, and your station changes, its easy to forget what you were feeling and why you felt you needed to do it. But just like if you have ever gone back down a road with somebody from your past, if you could do it over, you’d likely be reminded of why you walked away the first time, and feel better about doing what you did.

Another point, to the ladies specifically: so you got this guy all up in your head, telling you he loves you and wishing things could be different. Oh yeah? Well…. Make them different. (I’m gonna go to med school and become a surgeon in the meantime, while you wait on him to leave home – it’ll be at LEAST that long LOL) “I cant help it that I still love you, you shoulda been the one.” Mm. Ok. Tell me something…. Is it better to be the one he “cant help but still be in love with,” and watch him go home to his wife, or is it better to be the wife, at home, making dinner for the love of her life, who’s, at the same moment, across town telling another woman she’s the love of his? Can you honestly say either position is one you’d want to be in? But at least one of them can fairly easily be abandoned. That man is the WIFE’s problem. YOU can keep it moving. Isn’t there something to be said for that?

There’s this movie I like called Sliding Doors. I thought I blogged about it before but I couldn’t find it, so I guess I didn’t. The movie stars Gwyneth Paltrow, and if you have ever said to yourself “I wonder what my life would be like if I never made that decision,” you should watch it. She’s running late for a train. She got in the doors at the last second before they closed, and made it home in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. Then she manages to hit her head on something and her life is rewound to the train station, where this time she misses the train, and therefore missed the woman at home in her bed. The movie explores both paths, showing how things would be different, but in the end, the two paths converge, and she ends up in the same place. So the point of it, it would seem, was no matter what turns you take on the voyage, you still end up where youre meant to be. My personal opinion is that there is something to that. So don’t spend the whole trip dwelling on one choice you made. There are plenty of choices ahead of you that still need making. Focus on those. More importantly, even if you did fuck something up, if it cant be corrected, there is no point in holding yourself prisoner to it. You are still entitled to be happy and you shouldn’t let your happiness hinge on whats going on with somebody else. Furthermore, (back to the obvious) not everyone who appears happy is. Anything can look peachy when youre on the outside looking in, but if there is one thing life has taught me its that even IF the grass is greener on the other side, the water bill is higher and there’s a lotta SHIT involved LOL. So be careful of who and what you envy. If some of those people had their choice, they’d probably switch places with you.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Hip Hop Honors

Yo….

Ok.

Im from the Bronx, right…. And as long as I been upstate, as sure as I will eventually find my home somewhere below the mason-dixon line, I will forever be from the Bronx, and that NYC thang will always flow through my veins. You cant fault me for reppin hip hop from where it started, and that’s what will always be real to ME.

That being said, I watched the Dirty South Hip Hop Honors on VH1 tonight and it was a muthafucken party up in here LOL. When I first heard they were doing a southern version, I was like WTF??? Its no secret – I aint never really been a fan of southern hip hop (bar a few) – but there have been some real gems over the years. A lot of these performances brought back memories.

I remember me and my best friend at the time being up in the club doo doo browning all over the place, screaming “CAPRICORN!!!” til we were hoarse.

I remember when “Welcome to Atlanta” first hit the airwaves and wanting to go to the A soooooooooo damn bad to hit every spot JD called out in that song LOL.

Silkk the Shocker use to be a cutie, and although I still don’t think he should be rappin, he had a certain sound that you could identify on any track. That joint he did with Mya back in the day was HAWT!

Don’t even get me started on Mystikal. **smh** A bitch bout CRIED when he went to jail LOL.

I hated D4L with a passion, but I even jammed to their asses tonight!

Timbaland….. if somebody woulda gave him a Ricola before that interview, I wouldn’t have nothing bad to say bout him either and this is the one time – the ONE time – I saw Diddy and didn’t wanna push him down a flight of stairs.

They even had the “I Love College” dude up in the mix, with his black church socks. **smh** He was sooooo close LOL.

One question: where the hell was Outkast???? How you gonna have a Hip Hop Honors, Dirty South with no Outkast???? As much as I enjoyed the show, they lost all credibility with me for that. So they did a piece of a song of theirs…. Not. Good. Enough. #FAIL

And I would be perfectly fine to never hear another Rick Ross NOTHIN in my life, but the fact that my baby Nelly was present and accounted for is a fair enough trade off LOL.

So all in all, aside from the absence of Outkast, it was a really good show. I think a lot of the problem I have with southern hip hop is the way we’ve just been drowned in it over the last few years, but then again, it aint they fault if everybody else fell back…. Or off.

East coast…. West coast…. Canada (LOL) get your weight up.

Caveats

Ok dammit, a sense of humor only gonna take you so far LOL. Some shit is just straight up annoying.

First of all, lazy ass questions. Not stupid questions, LAZY questions. I really hate for someone to ask me a question that they could just look up themselves. This aint no proprietary “Dig” shit, only I would know. You asking me something I’d have to google too LOL. YOU google it. Then I get the aftershock: “You ok? You seem kinda short.” Well I guess I am NOW LOL. I was fine five minutes ago LOL. Like my mama. Yall know I aint even talking to my mama. She steady tryna find reasons to make me talk to her. She has called my cell a couple times and I have ignored her. So one day last week, after being ignored, she pops up at my door, unannounced (ooooooh, I hate that!) asking me what happened with somebody’s court date.

**staring into the camera**

Write that fool and ask him. It aint like yall aint in contact. Then she emailed me yesterday talking bout “where is the area code 914?”

**staring into the camera**

Really? The same way I can go Bing some shit, YOU can go Bing some shit. Stop fucken asking me questions when you know I aint speaking to you. I cant stand it when she tries to bait me. I know what that’s about – family reunion is coming up and she gonna want me to put some people up. Hmmpf. **rme**

Second, stop fucken calling me and not leaving messages if you gonna cry about me not calling you back. Im really not in the habit of seeing a missed call and calling the person like “did you call me?” Of course you called me, that’s why your name and number is in my call log. The question is what did you want? And frankly, if it wasn’t important enough for you to leave me a message about, I’ve got to assume its not important enough for me to worry about it.

And on that note, equally as stupid, why do people say shit like “I saw your FB status?”

**staring into the camera**

You were supposed to…. along with the 500 other people with viewing privileges on my page. What about it? Ugh!

Thank God I went and got my gym membership poppin today. Don’t worry, if it clears my mind too much and I run outta stuff to write about, I’ll stop going LOL. Yup, its that simple LOL.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

And So It Goes

Every day I learn something and one of the things I am seeing more and more is how lucky I am to have a sense of humor. Not only does it seem to make me endearing to the people around me, it keeps me from becoming depressed or angry about things that I have no control over.

I listen to the complaints of people I know and the compassion doesn’t always come easy. I find that people tend to bitch about trivial things that only have any effect on them because they invite them to do so, but even more than that, the things are just the type of things that the universe spits out at all of us, to let us know its still in charge. You gotta laugh at shit like that.

Take for instance the ep I was supposed to swing last night. It never happened because of forces outside of my control – barring my participation in the form of blowing another date off for this one, and staying up later than I otherwise would have been. Those forces outside of my control were all but totally within his, and he fucked it up in the tackiest way allowed by law, but I came to the conclusion that he just didn’t know any better LOL. I have an idea of what he’s used to, and Im surely not that, but those former conquests would have still been waiting at 3:18am when that text came through, and got in their car, simply because he is who he is and they had waited twenty years for that night. I blame them for perpetuating that type of bullshit, but at the end of the day, he is responsible for his own. I could be mad at him, vow to never speak to him again and all that, but what would be the point? After all, like I told my girl yesterday in regards to something she came to me about, sometimes things just aint gonna happen, no matter how much you want them to. This wasn’t our first near miss, and if the universe has its way, it probably wont be the last, (unless I simply choose not to make myself available for it) because that’s just kind of our story. But there is a reason its not happening. There is a reason it hadn’t prior to now, and there is a reason it probably never will. I accept that and therefore can only laugh about it. Nevermind the fact that I almost sent myself to the ER in anticipation, but that’s neither here nor there LOL. I have to laugh about it because my life is a constant exercise in fuckery LOL. I’d be in an institution if I took it too seriously.

So people, don’t take everything so personal. When someone does something that in some way affects you, you cant always see it like they are doing it TO you. People are who they are and when the shenanigans unleash, sometimes you are just the one who happens to be in the line of fire. It wont change your life in the long run, so don’t let it change you in the short term either. Just keep your heart light and know that having a sense of humor is necessary because the universe surely got jokes LOL.

BTW, Ive gotten the emails. Im not ignoring them, Ive just been distracted with other things this past week. I’ll get around to them, I promise.

Hope yall had a good weekend. Im gonna go see what the cosmos have for me today. SMH.