Happy birthday to the greatest entertainer of all time. Gone, but never forgotten...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Happy Birthday, Michael
Happy birthday to the greatest entertainer of all time. Gone, but never forgotten...
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Outlast It
OMG. This dude could not be more on the money. It rings such truth in my own life, I started getting a little misty at one point. Just thinking about all the things that I have been through - personally, professionally, emotionally, medically, musically LOL, shit, you name it - the fact that Im still here with all my faculties in tact, head above water, even if just barely.....
See, I've morphed into the turtle, but I started out the hare. I got out the blocks quick and kept a steady pace for a long time. I was the first to do a lotta shit in my family and in my social circle. But one day, out of nowhere, the ceiling came crashing down, and I've been trying to piece it back together ever since. It seems as though my life has been one big storm after another from that day on. SO many things, but I learned this lesson early: all you gotta do is outlast it.
I been bobbing and weaving for ten years straight and Im just now beginning to see the real fruits of my resilience. TEN YEARS, yall. Going THROUGH it. Half the time, nobody having any idea. But Im telling you, I feel like I could fall on my knees right this second and never get up, I have so much to be thankful for. And I cant wait til I get in my new place, where I can lay in the middle of the floor with not a damn thing in the room but me and look at the ceiling and FINALLY be able to say..........
"I made it."
5:00 in the mornin.....
It's 4:41 am on a Saturday morning and I should be sleeping, but...... Im not LOL. Got a really, REALLY random text message at almost 3 that threw me for a loop and sleep was just not an option after that.
I was up anyway, but trying to drift off and it just wasnt working. Then the text. I responded in regards to the randomness of it, and it turned into a mini conversation - apologies, feelings, all kinds of shit. Landed me back online in a chat window.
A lot of things were talked about, and aside from some questions that I finally got answers to, I think he needed it more than I did. I dont require a lot of explanation for things gone by. For me, it just is what it is, most times. I build a bridge, and I get over it. But I guess some people have to have absolute closure in order to totally move on, even when it appears they already have - even when you have - in order to not remain a prisoner of the past. At any rate, I respect a heartfelt apology, even at 3am LOL I didnt need it, but maybe he did. After all, the hardest person to forgive is always yourself.
I tell ya, ever since I got this new gig and started down this road of the new life ahead of me, things have been really strange. I've had thoughts about people I havent thought of in years, Im having some really weird conversations with folks, and I get this overwhelming urge to oblige, like I wont have the chance again. If I didnt know any better, I would think I was dying LOL. But in an odd way, it feels really good. I feel like Im shedding a skin for a new season and Im very willing to take this leap. Failure just isnt an option in my mind right now. I feel like the world is my oyster and the universe owes me bigtime, so Im coming to collect. If it means having some uncomfortable conversations, and peeling the scabs off of old wounds to get whats mine, Im all about it. Its all part of the journey and I am just getting started...
5am
I was up anyway, but trying to drift off and it just wasnt working. Then the text. I responded in regards to the randomness of it, and it turned into a mini conversation - apologies, feelings, all kinds of shit. Landed me back online in a chat window.
A lot of things were talked about, and aside from some questions that I finally got answers to, I think he needed it more than I did. I dont require a lot of explanation for things gone by. For me, it just is what it is, most times. I build a bridge, and I get over it. But I guess some people have to have absolute closure in order to totally move on, even when it appears they already have - even when you have - in order to not remain a prisoner of the past. At any rate, I respect a heartfelt apology, even at 3am LOL I didnt need it, but maybe he did. After all, the hardest person to forgive is always yourself.
I tell ya, ever since I got this new gig and started down this road of the new life ahead of me, things have been really strange. I've had thoughts about people I havent thought of in years, Im having some really weird conversations with folks, and I get this overwhelming urge to oblige, like I wont have the chance again. If I didnt know any better, I would think I was dying LOL. But in an odd way, it feels really good. I feel like Im shedding a skin for a new season and Im very willing to take this leap. Failure just isnt an option in my mind right now. I feel like the world is my oyster and the universe owes me bigtime, so Im coming to collect. If it means having some uncomfortable conversations, and peeling the scabs off of old wounds to get whats mine, Im all about it. Its all part of the journey and I am just getting started...
5am
Friday, August 27, 2010
GSA
The text:
Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.
The reply:
Big smile.
The thought:
All these years.
The reality:
The hardest thing to do is watch somebody you love, love somebody else.
The end.
Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.
The reply:
Big smile.
The thought:
All these years.
The reality:
The hardest thing to do is watch somebody you love, love somebody else.
The end.
TGIFness
You ever notice just how easy something trivial becomes a long and drawn out conversation? LOL Me and my friends spent the better part of an hour this morning debating stuffing vs dressing LOL. Where they do that at? In my world, thats where, LOL.
For the record, aint really no difference, to me, but apparently, there are people out there who believe there is. If there were one, I would say that dressing, in my mind, is typically homemade, where stuffing may or may not come from a box, a la Stove Top. Thats it. Otherwise, the only difference is whether or not you stuck it inside the damn bird or not LOL. eh - whatever. Why the hell were we even talkin about it in august? LOL Because it is the fuckery that is my life, thats why LOL.
Anyway, the cookout last weekend was fun. As expected, most of the people who claimed they were coming, didnt, but the staples were there and we had a good time. My friend's wife fell out of a chair LOL. #straightfaceFAIL I at least didnt laugh in front of her LOL. She almost fell on my cousin's new baby - which is an improvement from last year's cookout where I actually THREW UP on a baby, so you cant be mad at that LOL.
It was my unofficial last hurrah before moving outta town, but all the people that were there will probably be the same people at my official last hurrah, so it was kinda pointless LOL. I coulda just kept that money in my pocket. It was fun though, so I wont complain. I was privy to a lot of laughs that night that I wouldnt have had otherwise. Thats always worth it.
Three weeks left before I blow this popsicle stand - two at the job. Boss is coming into town next week to take me on a goodbye lunch with my team. He better know we're going to crab shack LOL.
I gave my aunt my car today. Well I didnt actually GIVE it to her today, but I agreed to give it to her. She wont actually get it for another couple weeks. She's been going through some thangs and just recently lost her whip, so my mom asked me to give her mine, rather than sell it. Now we all know, with me relocating, I need every dollar I can get, but when I sat and thought about it, there was no way I could say no. Loves my auntie to death and I know she'd do it for me. Besides, I believe in paying it forward. My life - despite the constant reality tvness LOL - has been nothing but blessed, of late, and I feel a duty to pass that on. I even made my mom's day by letting her be the one to tell her and make HER day. Yeah, my mom who I be wanting to get in a ring with? Yeah her LOL. Hey....What can I say?
:)
For the record, aint really no difference, to me, but apparently, there are people out there who believe there is. If there were one, I would say that dressing, in my mind, is typically homemade, where stuffing may or may not come from a box, a la Stove Top. Thats it. Otherwise, the only difference is whether or not you stuck it inside the damn bird or not LOL. eh - whatever. Why the hell were we even talkin about it in august? LOL Because it is the fuckery that is my life, thats why LOL.
Anyway, the cookout last weekend was fun. As expected, most of the people who claimed they were coming, didnt, but the staples were there and we had a good time. My friend's wife fell out of a chair LOL. #straightfaceFAIL I at least didnt laugh in front of her LOL. She almost fell on my cousin's new baby - which is an improvement from last year's cookout where I actually THREW UP on a baby, so you cant be mad at that LOL.
It was my unofficial last hurrah before moving outta town, but all the people that were there will probably be the same people at my official last hurrah, so it was kinda pointless LOL. I coulda just kept that money in my pocket. It was fun though, so I wont complain. I was privy to a lot of laughs that night that I wouldnt have had otherwise. Thats always worth it.
Three weeks left before I blow this popsicle stand - two at the job. Boss is coming into town next week to take me on a goodbye lunch with my team. He better know we're going to crab shack LOL.
I gave my aunt my car today. Well I didnt actually GIVE it to her today, but I agreed to give it to her. She wont actually get it for another couple weeks. She's been going through some thangs and just recently lost her whip, so my mom asked me to give her mine, rather than sell it. Now we all know, with me relocating, I need every dollar I can get, but when I sat and thought about it, there was no way I could say no. Loves my auntie to death and I know she'd do it for me. Besides, I believe in paying it forward. My life - despite the constant reality tvness LOL - has been nothing but blessed, of late, and I feel a duty to pass that on. I even made my mom's day by letting her be the one to tell her and make HER day. Yeah, my mom who I be wanting to get in a ring with? Yeah her LOL. Hey....What can I say?
:)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Did he really just.....?????
Ok so last night one of my girlfriends came over. She had been talking to me about the problems in her marriage, and I havent really been advising, just listening to her and stuff. I aint really a fan of telling somebody what they should do in their relationship, unless the relationship is abusive in some way, or otherwise a danger to a person's well-being. You never know if a person is telling you the whole story, first of all, and second of all, you dont wanna be in the eye of the storm. Having somebody's significant other believing you are the reason their mate left em is not whats hot in the streets LOL. But I think she was just feeling me out at first, telling me about trivial things. Now every time she comes to me, the issue gets a little bit deeper.
So she came over and started talking some more about the issues between her and her husband. He's very Leo in his control freakishness (LOL) resulting in my girl not really getting out much, so I made a joke about how he was gonna call any minute like "baby, where you at? what time you coming home?" No sooner than I had said it, didnt this fool call her, going "baby where you at? what time you coming home?" LOL *smh*
She talked to him about three times, because one of their phones kept dropping the call, and when she finally hung up with him, she looked at me like see? But I already knew how he rolled. I had one of them control freak Leos once upon a time. Wasnt no happily ever after goin down, thats for sure LOL.
So we continue talking, and eventually, one of my other girlfriends comes by. We're all talking and watching this show, and her phone rings again. Its the husband. He still tryna verify where she is, even though I know he hears me and my other girlfriend talking in the background. Then my friend goes "well look at the GPS thing and you can see where Im at.... *pause*.....Im two houses down from there (his best friend's house)....*pause*..... well if you do you will see my car in the driveway...... goodness, ok" So by now both my other friend and I are looking at her like ok now what the hell is really goin on? She made an annoyed joke, but didnt really "say" anything about it, like she just didnt wanna even get into it.
Twenty minutes later, the show went off and she's like "ok, let me get on outta here, I might come back through tomorrow though." I say ok and my friend and I both walk her to the door. First thing I notice when I open it is some big ass Hummer that has her blocked in..... in MY driveway LOL. So Im bout to spaz out right about now, "who the fuck put this big ass shit in my driveway?" LOL But then my girl goes "no, girl, that's him" Im like "him who? _____?" She like "yeah, he right there." I move a couple steps to the right and see her husband leaned up against her truck, with a red plastic cup in one hand and a Black and Mild in the other LOL. Its like 9:30 at night, so I didnt even see his black ass out there in the dark, but me and my other girl just looked at each other:
*staring into the camera*
Wait though - let's ignore the fact that he activated GPS on her phone LOL. Did this nicca really just post up outside my house, and wait for her to come outside? Did this fool really just block her in my driveway, so if she really was there seeing some dude, she'd be stuck? Really though? No, for real, like.... REALLY? LOL
Now for a minute there, I was thinking that there is something really hysterical about this. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like its not hysteria at all - its uneasiness. Shit like that does not sit right with me. It's so fucken "crazy" that it makes you do that uncomfortable laughing, like I cant believe this muthafucka just did that. I cant help but wonder, did he really come over here because he didnt believe she was where she said she was, or was it just another control tactic, tryna posture and let her know he can do this type of madman shit? Either way, it aint cute.
My once-upon-a-time Leo woulda did some shit just like that. He waited til we wasnt together no more to start doing it, either tryna figure out who was keeping me from getting back with him, or in an effort to let me know he could make my life hell. Probably a little of both. He stalked me, off and on, for about two years, until I decided that I had had enough and was not going to allow him to have that type of control over my life. It was then that I realized that crazy only responds to crazy LOL.
I havent spoken to my girl yet, but I can only imagine what is going through her mind about the situation. She is sooooo sweet and meek and all the sugar and spice things little girls were always supposed to be made of that she aint got a chance with this man. He is going to eat her ass alive, and I have a feeling that he's been taking little bites out of her for a while now. She played it off as a joke last night like "he so stupid" and he retorted with a jokey type "get yo ass home" but there was a little undertone to it like "Im joking, but Im not". So now Im gonna have to REALLY talk to her - or get her to talk to me, rather - and see WTF is going on there. Cause its deeper than the piddly things she's so far mentioned to me, but then again, when somebody comes to me for this kind of advice, it usually is...
So she came over and started talking some more about the issues between her and her husband. He's very Leo in his control freakishness (LOL) resulting in my girl not really getting out much, so I made a joke about how he was gonna call any minute like "baby, where you at? what time you coming home?" No sooner than I had said it, didnt this fool call her, going "baby where you at? what time you coming home?" LOL *smh*
She talked to him about three times, because one of their phones kept dropping the call, and when she finally hung up with him, she looked at me like see? But I already knew how he rolled. I had one of them control freak Leos once upon a time. Wasnt no happily ever after goin down, thats for sure LOL.
So we continue talking, and eventually, one of my other girlfriends comes by. We're all talking and watching this show, and her phone rings again. Its the husband. He still tryna verify where she is, even though I know he hears me and my other girlfriend talking in the background. Then my friend goes "well look at the GPS thing and you can see where Im at.... *pause*.....Im two houses down from there (his best friend's house)....*pause*..... well if you do you will see my car in the driveway...... goodness, ok" So by now both my other friend and I are looking at her like ok now what the hell is really goin on? She made an annoyed joke, but didnt really "say" anything about it, like she just didnt wanna even get into it.
Twenty minutes later, the show went off and she's like "ok, let me get on outta here, I might come back through tomorrow though." I say ok and my friend and I both walk her to the door. First thing I notice when I open it is some big ass Hummer that has her blocked in..... in MY driveway LOL. So Im bout to spaz out right about now, "who the fuck put this big ass shit in my driveway?" LOL But then my girl goes "no, girl, that's him" Im like "him who? _____?" She like "yeah, he right there." I move a couple steps to the right and see her husband leaned up against her truck, with a red plastic cup in one hand and a Black and Mild in the other LOL. Its like 9:30 at night, so I didnt even see his black ass out there in the dark, but me and my other girl just looked at each other:
*staring into the camera*
Wait though - let's ignore the fact that he activated GPS on her phone LOL. Did this nicca really just post up outside my house, and wait for her to come outside? Did this fool really just block her in my driveway, so if she really was there seeing some dude, she'd be stuck? Really though? No, for real, like.... REALLY? LOL
Now for a minute there, I was thinking that there is something really hysterical about this. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like its not hysteria at all - its uneasiness. Shit like that does not sit right with me. It's so fucken "crazy" that it makes you do that uncomfortable laughing, like I cant believe this muthafucka just did that. I cant help but wonder, did he really come over here because he didnt believe she was where she said she was, or was it just another control tactic, tryna posture and let her know he can do this type of madman shit? Either way, it aint cute.
My once-upon-a-time Leo woulda did some shit just like that. He waited til we wasnt together no more to start doing it, either tryna figure out who was keeping me from getting back with him, or in an effort to let me know he could make my life hell. Probably a little of both. He stalked me, off and on, for about two years, until I decided that I had had enough and was not going to allow him to have that type of control over my life. It was then that I realized that crazy only responds to crazy LOL.
I havent spoken to my girl yet, but I can only imagine what is going through her mind about the situation. She is sooooo sweet and meek and all the sugar and spice things little girls were always supposed to be made of that she aint got a chance with this man. He is going to eat her ass alive, and I have a feeling that he's been taking little bites out of her for a while now. She played it off as a joke last night like "he so stupid" and he retorted with a jokey type "get yo ass home" but there was a little undertone to it like "Im joking, but Im not". So now Im gonna have to REALLY talk to her - or get her to talk to me, rather - and see WTF is going on there. Cause its deeper than the piddly things she's so far mentioned to me, but then again, when somebody comes to me for this kind of advice, it usually is...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Midweek Summary
Sorry folks. I have been meaning to come in here all week, but its been kind of hectic. My boss was in town yesterday, so I finally put in notice at the job, I've been making relocation plans and trying to get everything together for my going away barbecue this weekend. There's just not enough time in a day.
I wanted to come in here on Monday and vent about this stupid ass IT guy I had the misfortune of getting, when I called tech support about a printer issue, but never got a chance. I just love when someone thinks you are supposed to know shit they are paid to know. What, so now I gotta get your degree too so I can help you help me? LOL
"Well what print server are you on?"
"Im not sure, where would I find that?"
"Well I cant tell you where to find it, you dont have any printers."
*pause*
"I know, thats why Im calling."
"Well maybe your boss knows."
"My boss doesnt work in this office."
"Well he still might know."
*pause*
"My boss, who works in another city, might know? Really? Well let me assure you, my boss doesnt know. But yours might. Can I talk to him please?"
LOL fucken idiot.
There was something else I wanted to blog about too, but I forgot what. I do know my damn mama was emailing me all day about my move, and wouldnt you know it: she was making the whole thing about her, as usual. What she wants, what she hopes and "you know how sensitive I am" and promise her this or that. I aint promising you shit and Im rather insulted that youre even posing these situations, as if Im going to get into, let alone STAY in, a situation that Im uncomfortable with, as it relates to myself, let alone my kids. Go find something to do. I got enough stress on me right now, I dont need this shit.
Then to make matters worse, my DJ for Saturday bailed on me today. Something about a family emergency that is gonna take him out of town on Friday. *smh* I dont think he would lie to me about it, but damn, last minute much? All good, we gon work it out.
I have a lot on the brain, so you may actually get something worthy tonight, but it will depend on my level of laziness LOL. So You Think You Can Dance had its finale last week so Im gonna be depressed about my TV lineup options until about 10pm when Psych comes on LOL. Maybe I'll drink til then - something's bound to turn up LOL
I wanted to come in here on Monday and vent about this stupid ass IT guy I had the misfortune of getting, when I called tech support about a printer issue, but never got a chance. I just love when someone thinks you are supposed to know shit they are paid to know. What, so now I gotta get your degree too so I can help you help me? LOL
"Well what print server are you on?"
"Im not sure, where would I find that?"
"Well I cant tell you where to find it, you dont have any printers."
*pause*
"I know, thats why Im calling."
"Well maybe your boss knows."
"My boss doesnt work in this office."
"Well he still might know."
*pause*
"My boss, who works in another city, might know? Really? Well let me assure you, my boss doesnt know. But yours might. Can I talk to him please?"
LOL fucken idiot.
There was something else I wanted to blog about too, but I forgot what. I do know my damn mama was emailing me all day about my move, and wouldnt you know it: she was making the whole thing about her, as usual. What she wants, what she hopes and "you know how sensitive I am" and promise her this or that. I aint promising you shit and Im rather insulted that youre even posing these situations, as if Im going to get into, let alone STAY in, a situation that Im uncomfortable with, as it relates to myself, let alone my kids. Go find something to do. I got enough stress on me right now, I dont need this shit.
Then to make matters worse, my DJ for Saturday bailed on me today. Something about a family emergency that is gonna take him out of town on Friday. *smh* I dont think he would lie to me about it, but damn, last minute much? All good, we gon work it out.
I have a lot on the brain, so you may actually get something worthy tonight, but it will depend on my level of laziness LOL. So You Think You Can Dance had its finale last week so Im gonna be depressed about my TV lineup options until about 10pm when Psych comes on LOL. Maybe I'll drink til then - something's bound to turn up LOL
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Me and My Randomness
I think I want my heart broken. Not broken in some naive "ooooh he played you, stupid" way, where I've sniffed after some idiot who was never worth my time and compromised myself in the process. Im talking about broken like.... "I've been with this guy, really building and connecting and loving and all of a sudden something's broken" broken. No? Ok. Follow me.
You know how it is when youre seeing someone - it may or may not be serious like that, but they mean something to you - and you have your first really big fight, that you just cannot fathom ever getting past, but in your heart of hearts, you know you will, because you've built something that neither of you is going to let waste away over a misunderstanding or some hurt feelings? Thats what I need, I think. Not heartbreak like... crying into a bowl of corn flakes, for 2 weeks, not going to work, and being ready to jump out the window, kinda heartbreak LOL. But, maybe being at work, looking a mess, not answering my cell phone cause I dont wanna talk about it kinda heartbreak. Those are the ones you get past. Of course, you only know it in retrospect - while youre in the middle of it, the world just about stops spinning - but you do get past it. And, again in retro, if you could jump ahead, only to look back, and see the two of you making up, you'd really learn to appreciate the time you spent in agony LOL. But Im not sure I want all the other stuff you'd have to do to get to that point LOL. I dont even know if I remember how.
I just havent felt.... connected... to anybody or anything in quite some time and Im starting to think that connective tissue, that at some point tore away from my last real attachment (whenever that was LOL), has healed and scabbed over, no longer needing to be rooted to anything on the other end. And that wouldnt be so scary if I didnt know what I was capable of LOL
*sigh*
See, this is what happens when Im not drinking LOL and yall shouldnt have to put up with my random foolishness, so from now on, no more sober posts.... after 5.... on Wednesdays! LOL
You know how it is when youre seeing someone - it may or may not be serious like that, but they mean something to you - and you have your first really big fight, that you just cannot fathom ever getting past, but in your heart of hearts, you know you will, because you've built something that neither of you is going to let waste away over a misunderstanding or some hurt feelings? Thats what I need, I think. Not heartbreak like... crying into a bowl of corn flakes, for 2 weeks, not going to work, and being ready to jump out the window, kinda heartbreak LOL. But, maybe being at work, looking a mess, not answering my cell phone cause I dont wanna talk about it kinda heartbreak. Those are the ones you get past. Of course, you only know it in retrospect - while youre in the middle of it, the world just about stops spinning - but you do get past it. And, again in retro, if you could jump ahead, only to look back, and see the two of you making up, you'd really learn to appreciate the time you spent in agony LOL. But Im not sure I want all the other stuff you'd have to do to get to that point LOL. I dont even know if I remember how.
I just havent felt.... connected... to anybody or anything in quite some time and Im starting to think that connective tissue, that at some point tore away from my last real attachment (whenever that was LOL), has healed and scabbed over, no longer needing to be rooted to anything on the other end. And that wouldnt be so scary if I didnt know what I was capable of LOL
*sigh*
See, this is what happens when Im not drinking LOL and yall shouldnt have to put up with my random foolishness, so from now on, no more sober posts.... after 5.... on Wednesdays! LOL
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I need to get my life together LOL
I have been cryin all gotdamn day LOL
Who “lol’s” after saying they’ve been cryin all day? Me, LOL. You know why? Cause I feel like a fucken moron, that’s why LOL.
First of all, for the benefit of those of you who do not have FB, I got the job I interviewed for the other week. I was in shock most of the evening yesterday, after finding out, so while I was excited, it didn’t really sink in. Today it has.
I came into work with the intention of starting the process of making moving arrangements. This included figuring out a start date, (and therefore, a resignation date), pow-wowing with a couple friends to figure out how much rent I could afford, and look for places that fit, and asking my mother to take over responsibility for my kids while I set off to settle the new land. Yeah…. That last part….. **sigh**
I had no idea what her reaction to my request was gonna be, but I played all sorts of versions of it in my head as I typed up the email. I hit the send button and braced myself for a hard time, vowing to maintain my composure, at all cost, and not lose it, no matter what she said. And do you know what she said?
“I will keep them here until you get things together.”
Just like that.
Do you know how much I stressed about having to ask this woman to do this? Yall know I don’t mess with my mama like that, so common sense would dictate, she don’t really mess with me like that either LOL. I pride myself on never having to ask her for nothing, so having to now, I was SICK! LOL And I just KNEW she was gonna gimme hell.
But she didn’t. I got all kinds of explanations for why she didn’t, but you know what? It doesn’t even matter why. What matters is that I was stressed out about that being a hurdle in the way of my being able to take advantage of this amazing opportunity and God said “Shawty, I got you.” And then came the tears.
One of the people I had grown close to at my company saw my announcement on my FB last night. I ran into her when I pulled into the parking garage and she told me to come up and see her. I went into her office, closed the door, sat down and started telling her about everything, and my eyes just would not stop burning. You know how your eyes kinda start welling up involuntarily, and youre scared to blink, cause you don’t want nothing to come out? LOL Yeah that was me, swallowing my spit ever few seconds to choke them back LOL **smh**
I went back to my desk to construct a letter of resignation (yes, at my desk, who gives a shit now? LOL) and once again, the wave came over me. My girl made a [funny] Bloomberg reference in an email totally unrelated, and the wave came over me. I got an email from another close co-worker, who’s working out of town this week. She knew I had interviewed, so I told her I got the gig, and she wants to write me a book of “OMG im gonna miss you so much”-es and yeah, you already know the drill. The wave. LOL
I feel like such an idiot for not being able to keep myself in check. But IDK, maybe I shouldn’t. I mean its not that I don’t understand the emotion – I am about to embark on a journey full of unknowns and variables and I am leaving a lot behind to do it. Im not just leaving my job, Im leaving my industry – one I have been in for ten years. Im not just leaving my friends, Im leaving [most of] the BEST friends I have ever had in my whole entire life. Im leaving a house I’ve made CRAZY memories in, the likes of which, Im not sure I’ll ever be able to recreate. Im selling my car. Im leaving my OB-GYN LOL. Laugh if you will, but I love that woman. A good OB-GYN is hard to find! LOL. And although it will be only temporary, Im leaving my kids behind too. That’s gonna be the hardest part of all. I figured out a few years ago that four days is the breaking point. I can manage to be away from them for four days before it starts to tear my heart out. How in the HELL am I supposed to survive four months?
**unclips lapel mic**
iCant…
Who “lol’s” after saying they’ve been cryin all day? Me, LOL. You know why? Cause I feel like a fucken moron, that’s why LOL.
First of all, for the benefit of those of you who do not have FB, I got the job I interviewed for the other week. I was in shock most of the evening yesterday, after finding out, so while I was excited, it didn’t really sink in. Today it has.
I came into work with the intention of starting the process of making moving arrangements. This included figuring out a start date, (and therefore, a resignation date), pow-wowing with a couple friends to figure out how much rent I could afford, and look for places that fit, and asking my mother to take over responsibility for my kids while I set off to settle the new land. Yeah…. That last part….. **sigh**
I had no idea what her reaction to my request was gonna be, but I played all sorts of versions of it in my head as I typed up the email. I hit the send button and braced myself for a hard time, vowing to maintain my composure, at all cost, and not lose it, no matter what she said. And do you know what she said?
“I will keep them here until you get things together.”
Just like that.
Do you know how much I stressed about having to ask this woman to do this? Yall know I don’t mess with my mama like that, so common sense would dictate, she don’t really mess with me like that either LOL. I pride myself on never having to ask her for nothing, so having to now, I was SICK! LOL And I just KNEW she was gonna gimme hell.
But she didn’t. I got all kinds of explanations for why she didn’t, but you know what? It doesn’t even matter why. What matters is that I was stressed out about that being a hurdle in the way of my being able to take advantage of this amazing opportunity and God said “Shawty, I got you.” And then came the tears.
One of the people I had grown close to at my company saw my announcement on my FB last night. I ran into her when I pulled into the parking garage and she told me to come up and see her. I went into her office, closed the door, sat down and started telling her about everything, and my eyes just would not stop burning. You know how your eyes kinda start welling up involuntarily, and youre scared to blink, cause you don’t want nothing to come out? LOL Yeah that was me, swallowing my spit ever few seconds to choke them back LOL **smh**
I went back to my desk to construct a letter of resignation (yes, at my desk, who gives a shit now? LOL) and once again, the wave came over me. My girl made a [funny] Bloomberg reference in an email totally unrelated, and the wave came over me. I got an email from another close co-worker, who’s working out of town this week. She knew I had interviewed, so I told her I got the gig, and she wants to write me a book of “OMG im gonna miss you so much”-es and yeah, you already know the drill. The wave. LOL
I feel like such an idiot for not being able to keep myself in check. But IDK, maybe I shouldn’t. I mean its not that I don’t understand the emotion – I am about to embark on a journey full of unknowns and variables and I am leaving a lot behind to do it. Im not just leaving my job, Im leaving my industry – one I have been in for ten years. Im not just leaving my friends, Im leaving [most of] the BEST friends I have ever had in my whole entire life. Im leaving a house I’ve made CRAZY memories in, the likes of which, Im not sure I’ll ever be able to recreate. Im selling my car. Im leaving my OB-GYN LOL. Laugh if you will, but I love that woman. A good OB-GYN is hard to find! LOL. And although it will be only temporary, Im leaving my kids behind too. That’s gonna be the hardest part of all. I figured out a few years ago that four days is the breaking point. I can manage to be away from them for four days before it starts to tear my heart out. How in the HELL am I supposed to survive four months?
**unclips lapel mic**
iCant…
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Part of My Thought Process
**smh**
This boy done lost his whole entire mind. I’m not talking about my son this time – Im talking bout his daddy.
Now I done told yall before – we have a good relationship, despite the few bumpy years immediately following my exit – and he was very active in the midgets; lives before he got locked up. He’s still as active in their lives as he could be, given his circumstances, but I really think the time he has spent in the klink has started playing tricks on his mind.
He called tonight and said he had tried to call mid last week, but I guess we weren’t home, or didn’t hear the phone or something. “Why?” I asked, cause we have a schedule, and Wednesday calls ain’t on it. “Cause I had wanted to talk to you about something.”
**sigh**
LOL you know how dudes say that hearing “we gotta talk” from us (women) is never a good thing? Well let me tell you, hearing it from this nigga rarely is either. I knew it was bout to be some bullshit, especially when he started asking about the new gig and the plan for relocation. He took forever getting to it, but he eventually asked what if the kids don’t like where we move to and wanna go live with him when he gets out.
**staring into the camera**
Ok, first of all? Lets be clear. There will NEVER come a day that I send my kids to go live with you. NE-VER. And there are several reasons for that, but trust and believe me when I say it. NEVER. Second of all, you JUST got sentenced. Are you really sitting here, wanting to discuss with me things that “could” happen two years from now? Im sorry, a MINIMUM of two years from now. Really?
He’s like “Well I know you wanna chase your dreams and you wanna [blah blah blah LOL] but Im just sayin, I think that should be part of your thought process.”
“Really? Cause its not.”
“I know, Im sayin it should be.”
“Its not.”
“Oh ok, well I guess we’ll see then.”
“Yeah you will.”
Are you fucken kidding me? Let me get this straight: You were too busy running the street, doing SHIT THAT GETS PEOPLE LOCKED UP LOL to even keep them overnight, most instances, and if you did “have them” for a night or weekend or whatever, nine times out of ten, they ended up at your mom or grandmother’s house. Then you go GET locked up, have a new epiphany every week about how life is gonna be when you get back out, and now all of a sudden, you wanna be concerned? You weren’t concerned when you were out there doing SHIT THAT GETS PEOPLE LOCKED UP. You are never concerned until I make a decision that doesn’t consider you, but tell me: were you considering me when you were out there doing SHIT THAT GETS PEOPLE LOCKED UP? Did you think about how hard it was gonna be, having to turn our son into a man because the SHIT THAT GOT YOU LOCKED UP was more important than your need to be here to do it? No. YOU left ME here, holding the bag. YOU left ME here to make the hard decisions, by myself. And you should be part of my thought process? Yeah. Ok. What if the kids don’t like it – they gonna like it. If they don’t like it, they gonna like it LOL, fucken ask me some stupid shit like that. They are kids. Naturally, they are not gonna jump up and down about leaving the place where there family and friends are, but they will be a lot more receptive if their daddy isn’t acting a natural fool about it.
It really pissed me off too because, like I said, we are good friends, and we very rarely get into it. When we do, its usually got something to do with one of two things: either a man is involved (he’s still gets jealous when I get serious about somebody) or Im talking about moving. I think he's gettin it confused because I still make a valiant effort to keep him informed and involved, to the best of my ability. But that's out of respect for him as their father. In no way do I feel obligated to do any of it, and when all is said and done, I really don’t give a fuck what he wants. I don’t owe him shit BUT fairness as a contributing parent, and as far as Im concerned, he forfeited that too, when he went and got his selfish, arrogant ass locked up. It needs to be part of my thought process. FUCK YOU. How bout that?
This boy done lost his whole entire mind. I’m not talking about my son this time – Im talking bout his daddy.
Now I done told yall before – we have a good relationship, despite the few bumpy years immediately following my exit – and he was very active in the midgets; lives before he got locked up. He’s still as active in their lives as he could be, given his circumstances, but I really think the time he has spent in the klink has started playing tricks on his mind.
He called tonight and said he had tried to call mid last week, but I guess we weren’t home, or didn’t hear the phone or something. “Why?” I asked, cause we have a schedule, and Wednesday calls ain’t on it. “Cause I had wanted to talk to you about something.”
**sigh**
LOL you know how dudes say that hearing “we gotta talk” from us (women) is never a good thing? Well let me tell you, hearing it from this nigga rarely is either. I knew it was bout to be some bullshit, especially when he started asking about the new gig and the plan for relocation. He took forever getting to it, but he eventually asked what if the kids don’t like where we move to and wanna go live with him when he gets out.
**staring into the camera**
Ok, first of all? Lets be clear. There will NEVER come a day that I send my kids to go live with you. NE-VER. And there are several reasons for that, but trust and believe me when I say it. NEVER. Second of all, you JUST got sentenced. Are you really sitting here, wanting to discuss with me things that “could” happen two years from now? Im sorry, a MINIMUM of two years from now. Really?
He’s like “Well I know you wanna chase your dreams and you wanna [blah blah blah LOL] but Im just sayin, I think that should be part of your thought process.”
“Really? Cause its not.”
“I know, Im sayin it should be.”
“Its not.”
“Oh ok, well I guess we’ll see then.”
“Yeah you will.”
Are you fucken kidding me? Let me get this straight: You were too busy running the street, doing SHIT THAT GETS PEOPLE LOCKED UP LOL to even keep them overnight, most instances, and if you did “have them” for a night or weekend or whatever, nine times out of ten, they ended up at your mom or grandmother’s house. Then you go GET locked up, have a new epiphany every week about how life is gonna be when you get back out, and now all of a sudden, you wanna be concerned? You weren’t concerned when you were out there doing SHIT THAT GETS PEOPLE LOCKED UP. You are never concerned until I make a decision that doesn’t consider you, but tell me: were you considering me when you were out there doing SHIT THAT GETS PEOPLE LOCKED UP? Did you think about how hard it was gonna be, having to turn our son into a man because the SHIT THAT GOT YOU LOCKED UP was more important than your need to be here to do it? No. YOU left ME here, holding the bag. YOU left ME here to make the hard decisions, by myself. And you should be part of my thought process? Yeah. Ok. What if the kids don’t like it – they gonna like it. If they don’t like it, they gonna like it LOL, fucken ask me some stupid shit like that. They are kids. Naturally, they are not gonna jump up and down about leaving the place where there family and friends are, but they will be a lot more receptive if their daddy isn’t acting a natural fool about it.
It really pissed me off too because, like I said, we are good friends, and we very rarely get into it. When we do, its usually got something to do with one of two things: either a man is involved (he’s still gets jealous when I get serious about somebody) or Im talking about moving. I think he's gettin it confused because I still make a valiant effort to keep him informed and involved, to the best of my ability. But that's out of respect for him as their father. In no way do I feel obligated to do any of it, and when all is said and done, I really don’t give a fuck what he wants. I don’t owe him shit BUT fairness as a contributing parent, and as far as Im concerned, he forfeited that too, when he went and got his selfish, arrogant ass locked up. It needs to be part of my thought process. FUCK YOU. How bout that?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Video Vibing
This is a pretty slick buncha folks in this cypher. Admittedly though, I could have done without half of em. Babs does kill it, but this dude Mysonne is ILL, son. I've never heard of him, but I might have to hit youtube and see what else I can find. Babs, WTF are you doing with your life? When are you gonna get picked up or pull a Drake and start slinging your own shit? You could be doing big things. Why must I be subjected to the bullshit that is Nicki Minaj, because you happy being the illest female rapper on your block, just sitting in basement ciphers with your homies? Where they do that at, Babs? Huh? Where?
Apparently, Brooklyn. *smh*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You know what..... LOL..... wait......... LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
OK, LOL. Wait...........LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Time out....... *sigh*
Ok, Im ready....... LMAO!
Ok, for real now LOL. First of all, when I first saw this video, I was like 'this shit aint funny' but if you can get past his slow and terrible reading of the passages in the scripture, to where he starts "preaching", it is. That being said, once you stop laughing, the message really is a good one. People do need to "speak life" over their lives. People really do need to stop settling into the mediocrity and feelings of failure and depravity that they, themselves, acknowledge exists. Its the only way to make a turn for the better. Complaining does nothing but further enable your inadequacies, while also getting on the nerves of the people around you. Im just sayin. If you arent satisfied with your life as you know it, do something to change it. And dont just do it, speak it. Claim it. Expect it. Then live it.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
10.....9.......8.........
I cannot stand this dude. I mean I REALLY CANNOT STAND this dude.
He called himself my boyfriend a couple of years ago, but lets tell the truth: he was just another dude I was talking to from seven states away, who talked a lot and did very little. Things ended on a sour note, but we mended fences, as necessary, since we share a daily e-circle. No sense in putting everybody else through the paces, right?
But I swear, every chance this dude gets to say some smart shit to me now, he takes, and I might go back and forth with him once or twice, but I eventually just bow out, after I notice that the rest of the room goes quiet. There might be an “LOL” from somewhere, but for the most part, nobody wants any part of it, never knowing if its about something other than what it seems to be, but if the tables were turned, and it was me talking shit to him, he’d be crying victim and trying to make it seem like Im the one always starting with him. HE actually is the one that makes it seem like its about other shit. Maybe for him, it is, I don’t know, but I do know that he got ONE MORE TIME to say some slick shit to me and a bitch is going IN!
He almost got it today. Its been one of those days where the people I work with are showing their fucken asses, and Im supposed to be little miss company girl, which I aint never been too good at. I left the office at noon today to finish the day from home, just to keep from cursin a bitch out, and here THIS muthafucka wanna push my buttons too, in what is supposed to be my relaxing social space. No sir, you will not. I chose to bail on the party this time, knowing Im already on TILT, but it was my circle before it was his, so I hope he gets a memo from somewhere that he should probably just stop talking to me altogether, because the next time he come off slick at me, its gonna be on….
He called himself my boyfriend a couple of years ago, but lets tell the truth: he was just another dude I was talking to from seven states away, who talked a lot and did very little. Things ended on a sour note, but we mended fences, as necessary, since we share a daily e-circle. No sense in putting everybody else through the paces, right?
But I swear, every chance this dude gets to say some smart shit to me now, he takes, and I might go back and forth with him once or twice, but I eventually just bow out, after I notice that the rest of the room goes quiet. There might be an “LOL” from somewhere, but for the most part, nobody wants any part of it, never knowing if its about something other than what it seems to be, but if the tables were turned, and it was me talking shit to him, he’d be crying victim and trying to make it seem like Im the one always starting with him. HE actually is the one that makes it seem like its about other shit. Maybe for him, it is, I don’t know, but I do know that he got ONE MORE TIME to say some slick shit to me and a bitch is going IN!
He almost got it today. Its been one of those days where the people I work with are showing their fucken asses, and Im supposed to be little miss company girl, which I aint never been too good at. I left the office at noon today to finish the day from home, just to keep from cursin a bitch out, and here THIS muthafucka wanna push my buttons too, in what is supposed to be my relaxing social space. No sir, you will not. I chose to bail on the party this time, knowing Im already on TILT, but it was my circle before it was his, so I hope he gets a memo from somewhere that he should probably just stop talking to me altogether, because the next time he come off slick at me, its gonna be on….
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Little Things
I asked a friend if she wanted to do something tonight and made a poor choice of words in doing so. She made a big deal about it, but she jokes alot, so I dont even know if she was serious when she was like "really, dude?" (it was via text) but when I thought about how I asked her, I felt like an asshole. I didnt mean anything by it, and she probably knew that, but I decided to apologize anyway.
See, sometimes something little can make a person feel some kind of way, and my mom is the Queen of offending people, simply by asking or saying things the wrong way. I feel like she even knows it sounds bad sometimes and just wont take responsibility for it, like she's entitled to say what she wants, how she wants, especially to my sisters and me, just because she's our mother. I dont want there to be any kind of relational caveats to my level of respect for people, and I definitely dont want to turn into the person I feel she's become, oblivious to people's feelings and above reproach. So even if that friend was just giving me grief tonight, I still felt like apologizing would at least show that I didnt MEAN to be a jerk, and that it was important to me that she knew that. After all, people will eventually forget what you say, but they never forget how you made them feel.
I know a lot of people who just say shit and dont think twice about it, but maybe more people should. You never know how something you say or do to somebody could affect your relationship. Next thing you know, they wont take your calls, and you dont know why. So just think about it. A little thing to you could be a big deal to somebody else.
Yall be easy.
See, sometimes something little can make a person feel some kind of way, and my mom is the Queen of offending people, simply by asking or saying things the wrong way. I feel like she even knows it sounds bad sometimes and just wont take responsibility for it, like she's entitled to say what she wants, how she wants, especially to my sisters and me, just because she's our mother. I dont want there to be any kind of relational caveats to my level of respect for people, and I definitely dont want to turn into the person I feel she's become, oblivious to people's feelings and above reproach. So even if that friend was just giving me grief tonight, I still felt like apologizing would at least show that I didnt MEAN to be a jerk, and that it was important to me that she knew that. After all, people will eventually forget what you say, but they never forget how you made them feel.
I know a lot of people who just say shit and dont think twice about it, but maybe more people should. You never know how something you say or do to somebody could affect your relationship. Next thing you know, they wont take your calls, and you dont know why. So just think about it. A little thing to you could be a big deal to somebody else.
Yall be easy.
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