So I was sitting in the break room today with my usual lunch crew, chit-chatting and cracking jokes, when the only other female on my team asks me about my boyfriend being overseas. “Is he in the military or something?” she asked. “Yep,” I say. With no real intent to discourage my faith in MY relationship, she says something to the effect of “Never date a Navy man. I grew up in Norfolk near the biggest base in the country and anybody down there would say they’re all cheaters” (“all” being relative, of course). Another female came into the room and cosigned the statement, saying she had dated 3 military men and would never do it again, although her position was based mainly off them being crazy – another common stereotype.
A guy who was present said, ”You are so mean! That is an awful thing to say,” obviously feeling bad for me, having just disclosed that mine is, indeed, a Navy man, but I was perfectly fine and I told him as much.
If cornered, I would probably say that I don’t believe my man would cheat on me... I mean, I couldn’t say that definitively of some guy I had just met, but I’ve got history with this guy. Feeling secure in that belief would be warranted, right?
Right?
*staring into the camera*
Man, listen, LOL
Question: What part of “Military Man” makes a man a cheater?
Answer: It’s the “Man” part that makes him a cheater LOL.
Men cheat. It’s a fact of life. So do women. Another fact of life. Is it inevitable? Of course not. Cheating is a CHOICE. But you know what? If my man is going to make that CHOICE, there is nothing I can do to stop it. There isn’t a woman alive who can unequivocally state that her man has never cheated on her (unless he drops dead right after he asks you to be his boo LOL). That’s not how he loves you. The fact that you BELIEVE he’s never cheated is how he loves you. IMO, love, for men, is not about being faithful. Love, for them, is about being loyal. In the best cases, that BREEDS faithfulness, but the two should not be confused.
A cheating man who loves you will keep his dirt discreet and make sure it NEVER gets back to you. You SHOULD be able to feel like “my man would never cheat on me” even if he’s at that bitch’s house riiiiiiiiiight now LOL….. cause you’ll never find out about it and if you do, he’ll deny it to the very end, even to the heffa’s face, and call her AND her mama a liar LOL. THAT’S love, baby! LOL
Of course, Im being facetious, but IMO it really is true, to an extent. Those who will, prepare to be mad right aboooouuuuut………. Now LOL
First and foremost, any man you would CALL a cheater, cheats a LOT, and clearly isn’t very good at it, or else you wouldn’t know about it. Roll.
On the other hand, temptation is hard. A man who resists it for 919 days of your relationship and just couldn’t take it on day 920 shouldn’t be included in that category – IMO.
Does that make it okay? Does he get a pass? Absolutely not. It violates the relationship covenant, and if you ever find out about it you should leave his ass. But if that man really loves you, he is going to make sure you never, EVER find out about it. He should NOT tell you. That’s right, I said it LOL. You know why he shouldn’t tell you? Cause your insecure ass gonna have that in the back of your mind every day for the rest of your life and he will never be able to leave your sight without you thinking he’s doing something LOL. No judgment here – paranoia happens to the best of us – but be honest with yourself. You know its true. This is a situation where ignorance is bliss, and I told my man this too. We talk about everything and this topic came up early in the relationship.
“Clearly, I don’t want you to do it, period, but if you ever did, I don’t ever wanna know.”
I know me. Sure, I could try to understand some special circumstances, stay and try to work it out but for what? I would never trust you again, so the relationship would never be the same. Why waste your time or mine? THAT’S why I’d leave a man who cheated, not because I cant forgive it. God forbid I hear about it from someone other than him. You mean to tell me you stepped out on me AND didn’t have enough respect for me to make sure it wouldn’t find its way into the street? Bad enough you cheated on me, now I gotta be embarrassed too? That’s how you feel? LOL
Now Im not saying he is free to go do whatever he pleases, as long as I don’t find out. I would like to think I have chosen a man with enough character not to be out here showing his ass. I am just acknowledging that we are all just human, and we do things we shouldn’t. But if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? See what Im sayin?
I know it sounds real “Chrissy from Love and Hip Hop” but she had a point. At least I think so. No, I really don’t feel like my man would cheat on me, but I also know he’s just a man, so I wouldn’t put anything past him, and that would be the case whether he was in the military or not. Every man is faithful up until the point that he isn’t – no brainer – and I would deal with that if and when the time came. MY man, in particular, is fully aware that the consequences of such actions is the door, so should he make that choice, I will have no choice but to assume that’s where he preferred to be – on the other side of it.
Just my thoughts. Carry on.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
A Long Time Coming
I finally had the conversation with my mother that should have taken place at least 15 years ago. I'm not even sure how it started since the initial conversation was about a toothbrush holder LOL, but somewhere along the line.... OH! I remember now....
She recently came down to visit a terminally ill friend of hers and she was telling me about a phone conversation she had with him a couple of days ago, which led her into talking about the relationship the small handful of them always had. That led into her talking about how she use to think having children so young was a bad thing, but she now realizes it very likely saved her life. Raising her kids kept her from getting swallowed up into the life a lot of her cohorts got lost in.
She had told me once that she was pregnant with twins before me and oddly enough, I recalled that a few days ago. I was doing some reflection and noting how I sometimes felt like I was two different people.... not just in different moods like most folks, but two completely different people.... so I brought it up. I had always assumed she miscarried them, but she told me today that she terminated the pregnancy. Not only was she nearly 5 months along at the time and therefore had to fully birth them, but she made a decision to do so without any anesthesia or anything as punishment for the situation she had gotten herself into (which she also explained). One boy, one girl. She saw them. She named them. It was tough to hear, but it opened the door to the next three hours of conversation where she revealed other things she had gone through that I didnt know about.
It should be understood that I dont speak about this to be airing dirty laundry, but to express the magnitude of the types of things we discussed and to illustrate how much a lot of us dont know about our parents. Trust me when I tell you that as shocking as this sounds, it was not the most shocking thing she told me today, if you can imagine that.
We talked about her childhood. We talked about my childhood.
We talked about her formative years. We talked about my formative years.
We talked about her transition into adulthood, my transition, and all the things she went through along the way, and suddenly I knew exactly who I was and why. I had always had some idea. The trouble was, she didnt. So at that point, I felt a responsibility to reveal myself to her as well, at least in terms of my perception of times in our lives.
I told her that I saw everything that ever happened, even though I never spoke on it, but as a child, teenager, or young adult with a parent who didnt communicate, I formed my own conclusions as to what was going on. Those conclusions were not always accurate, but with nothing else to counter them, I reacted accordingly. She thought it best not to burden me with information at the time, but her attempt to not rob me of my childhood effectually did exactly that. I have felt like a motherless child since I was 15 years old and I told her exactly why. Thankfully she didnt cry like she did the last time I was honest with her about my feelings, but she understood completely because my actions and state of mind represented the strongest parts of her.
Part of the problem was that we saw the same things differently. We agree that she looks at me and sees herself, only where she says she feels pride in the reflection, it always seemed to me that she felt resentment. She told my sister that she thought I hated her, but I felt like it was the other way around. Where she went wrong was allowing me to believe something 20 years ago that she knew I believed, because the truth, in her eyes, was so much worse. After hearing it today, it wasnt even close. My belief was worse than anything else she could have told me and I really wished she had told me the truth. It might have spared us 20 years of dysfunction and drama. I didnt even realize until it came up in conversation today that that situation was when everything changed, but it was, and what really jarred me was the fact that she knew it. She always knew it. She told my sister that one day she would tell me, and I still cant understand why she waited so long, but I am glad she finally did. I also now understand the bond she has with my sister, and the proof of it is in the fact that SHE didnt tell me either.
I dont know that this conversation we had today will make everything okay, but I cant imagine how it wont help. She [hopefully] now understands that all I know is what she left me to figure out on my own. The success in the story is that the positive attributes I took from her made it possible for me to do so, and I turned out okay. I may be overly independent and reluctant to ask for or accept help, but it spared me a lot of hurt along the way. If all you have is you, you dont have to worry about people letting you down. The downside is that people cant love you when you hold them all at an arm's length, and when someone does get close enough to, you panic - subconsciously - and either try like hell to restore that distance or hold on too tight, unable to figure out how to simply coexist with it. I dont feel like I have that problem anymore but I spent a lot of fruitless years just treading water.
I'm still reeling from everything I learned today but I feel so much lighter having gotten so much off my own chest. I have always known and respected my mother's strength, but having her fill in so many details puts a face to it. To know somebody's gone through a lot is one thing. To know exactly what, is another. My closet remains under lock and key because I am still learning from the things I've been thru, but one day when all the lessons have been learned, maybe I will free myself the way my mother did today.
I know my kids heard a good majority of our conversation - at least my end of it. I made no effort to hide it. I wanted them to hear the efforts being made to right the wrongs.... the apologies... the pain.... the truths. And when I got off the phone with my mother, I sat down with my kids. I laid the disclaimer that I was not perfect and that I didnt have all the answers but I vowed to keep them informed, as much as reasonable, about what was going on around them. After all, as a family, if Im going through it, they are going through it, and leaving them to wonder or draw their own conclusions could cost us 20 years of our lives that I am just not willing to sacrifice. They said they understood, and I hope they do.
It's been a long time coming but maybe now a change can finally come.
She recently came down to visit a terminally ill friend of hers and she was telling me about a phone conversation she had with him a couple of days ago, which led her into talking about the relationship the small handful of them always had. That led into her talking about how she use to think having children so young was a bad thing, but she now realizes it very likely saved her life. Raising her kids kept her from getting swallowed up into the life a lot of her cohorts got lost in.
She had told me once that she was pregnant with twins before me and oddly enough, I recalled that a few days ago. I was doing some reflection and noting how I sometimes felt like I was two different people.... not just in different moods like most folks, but two completely different people.... so I brought it up. I had always assumed she miscarried them, but she told me today that she terminated the pregnancy. Not only was she nearly 5 months along at the time and therefore had to fully birth them, but she made a decision to do so without any anesthesia or anything as punishment for the situation she had gotten herself into (which she also explained). One boy, one girl. She saw them. She named them. It was tough to hear, but it opened the door to the next three hours of conversation where she revealed other things she had gone through that I didnt know about.
It should be understood that I dont speak about this to be airing dirty laundry, but to express the magnitude of the types of things we discussed and to illustrate how much a lot of us dont know about our parents. Trust me when I tell you that as shocking as this sounds, it was not the most shocking thing she told me today, if you can imagine that.
We talked about her childhood. We talked about my childhood.
We talked about her formative years. We talked about my formative years.
We talked about her transition into adulthood, my transition, and all the things she went through along the way, and suddenly I knew exactly who I was and why. I had always had some idea. The trouble was, she didnt. So at that point, I felt a responsibility to reveal myself to her as well, at least in terms of my perception of times in our lives.
I told her that I saw everything that ever happened, even though I never spoke on it, but as a child, teenager, or young adult with a parent who didnt communicate, I formed my own conclusions as to what was going on. Those conclusions were not always accurate, but with nothing else to counter them, I reacted accordingly. She thought it best not to burden me with information at the time, but her attempt to not rob me of my childhood effectually did exactly that. I have felt like a motherless child since I was 15 years old and I told her exactly why. Thankfully she didnt cry like she did the last time I was honest with her about my feelings, but she understood completely because my actions and state of mind represented the strongest parts of her.
Part of the problem was that we saw the same things differently. We agree that she looks at me and sees herself, only where she says she feels pride in the reflection, it always seemed to me that she felt resentment. She told my sister that she thought I hated her, but I felt like it was the other way around. Where she went wrong was allowing me to believe something 20 years ago that she knew I believed, because the truth, in her eyes, was so much worse. After hearing it today, it wasnt even close. My belief was worse than anything else she could have told me and I really wished she had told me the truth. It might have spared us 20 years of dysfunction and drama. I didnt even realize until it came up in conversation today that that situation was when everything changed, but it was, and what really jarred me was the fact that she knew it. She always knew it. She told my sister that one day she would tell me, and I still cant understand why she waited so long, but I am glad she finally did. I also now understand the bond she has with my sister, and the proof of it is in the fact that SHE didnt tell me either.
I dont know that this conversation we had today will make everything okay, but I cant imagine how it wont help. She [hopefully] now understands that all I know is what she left me to figure out on my own. The success in the story is that the positive attributes I took from her made it possible for me to do so, and I turned out okay. I may be overly independent and reluctant to ask for or accept help, but it spared me a lot of hurt along the way. If all you have is you, you dont have to worry about people letting you down. The downside is that people cant love you when you hold them all at an arm's length, and when someone does get close enough to, you panic - subconsciously - and either try like hell to restore that distance or hold on too tight, unable to figure out how to simply coexist with it. I dont feel like I have that problem anymore but I spent a lot of fruitless years just treading water.
I'm still reeling from everything I learned today but I feel so much lighter having gotten so much off my own chest. I have always known and respected my mother's strength, but having her fill in so many details puts a face to it. To know somebody's gone through a lot is one thing. To know exactly what, is another. My closet remains under lock and key because I am still learning from the things I've been thru, but one day when all the lessons have been learned, maybe I will free myself the way my mother did today.
I know my kids heard a good majority of our conversation - at least my end of it. I made no effort to hide it. I wanted them to hear the efforts being made to right the wrongs.... the apologies... the pain.... the truths. And when I got off the phone with my mother, I sat down with my kids. I laid the disclaimer that I was not perfect and that I didnt have all the answers but I vowed to keep them informed, as much as reasonable, about what was going on around them. After all, as a family, if Im going through it, they are going through it, and leaving them to wonder or draw their own conclusions could cost us 20 years of our lives that I am just not willing to sacrifice. They said they understood, and I hope they do.
It's been a long time coming but maybe now a change can finally come.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Really Though?
I meant to post this yesterday but didnt get around to it. People never cease to amaze me.
Thursday night, I went to bed around midnight or so. An hour and a half later, my cell phone scares the shit outta me, ringing and buzzing - "Empire State of Mind" leads with some wicked bass, even as a ringtone. I grab my phone and dont recognize the Rochester number, but I notice the time and start to worry that something might have happened. I keep my phone on all night, just for that reason.
"Hello?"
"Wassup, I know you aint sleep?"
Who the fuck...? "Yes, I was. Who is this?"
"Big dick."
*staring into the camera* "Who?"
"Big dick." Wow, he actually repeated it. "You said you be up all night, how you sleep? Wake your ass up!"
"WHO IS THIS???"
"Twan."
"Twan?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Twan, I think you've got the wrong number."
"Maybe I do." *hangs up*
I had the biggest attitude. How you gonna call the wrong person at 1:30 in the morning, talkin bout "this is big dick?" LOL Then I tell you that you have the wrong number and you just hang up, without any kind of apology for the late call or the vulgar commentary?
Strangely enough, I was able to go right back to sleep, despite the aggravation, but I wake up yesterday morning and see this text message from that same number, time stamped shortly after we hung up:
"Wake that ass, up I got $50 for that pussy right now"
*staring into the camera*
Are you fucken kidding me? LOL I was aggravated all over again.
Didnt I tell you that you had the wrong number? Why would you turn around and send a text like that to the same damn number I told you was wrong? Not to mention, you called me on some mack shit, like whomever it was you were trying to reach was supposed to be ready and waiting for your call, and now you peeling off a fifty for the ass? A FIFTY, NIGGA? LOL I dont know who's more corny, you or the bitch you was tryna call!
*RME*
I was hot, so I took to Facebook and put the dude on front. That's some wack ass shit if I ever seen some wack ass shit. And who around here giving up the cooch for $50 a pop? LOL She needs her ass kicked too. And knowing how a lotta them Roc broads do, if he had gotten the right chick, she probably woulda thought that shit was cute. I can almost guarantee she woulda let that fool come through. *smh*
I am just TOO disgusted with the state of relations these days. I mean I aint too long out of the single life to have forgotten how some of those late night phone calls go, and if she had something going on with this dude, the call woulda probably been fine in the direction it was going. But the text? #COMEONSON If I had an ep pending with some dude and he followed up with some shit like that, do you know how quick his ass woulda been read? If you know me, Im sure you have some idea. What kinda female gives a dude that kinda room to move? Isnt it clear that a cat that would come at you like that aint bout shit and dont think you are either? Come on, baby, we got to do better than this.
*smh*
Thursday night, I went to bed around midnight or so. An hour and a half later, my cell phone scares the shit outta me, ringing and buzzing - "Empire State of Mind" leads with some wicked bass, even as a ringtone. I grab my phone and dont recognize the Rochester number, but I notice the time and start to worry that something might have happened. I keep my phone on all night, just for that reason.
"Hello?"
"Wassup, I know you aint sleep?"
Who the fuck...? "Yes, I was. Who is this?"
"Big dick."
*staring into the camera* "Who?"
"Big dick." Wow, he actually repeated it. "You said you be up all night, how you sleep? Wake your ass up!"
"WHO IS THIS???"
"Twan."
"Twan?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Twan, I think you've got the wrong number."
"Maybe I do." *hangs up*
I had the biggest attitude. How you gonna call the wrong person at 1:30 in the morning, talkin bout "this is big dick?" LOL Then I tell you that you have the wrong number and you just hang up, without any kind of apology for the late call or the vulgar commentary?
Strangely enough, I was able to go right back to sleep, despite the aggravation, but I wake up yesterday morning and see this text message from that same number, time stamped shortly after we hung up:
"Wake that ass, up I got $50 for that pussy right now"
*staring into the camera*
Are you fucken kidding me? LOL I was aggravated all over again.
Didnt I tell you that you had the wrong number? Why would you turn around and send a text like that to the same damn number I told you was wrong? Not to mention, you called me on some mack shit, like whomever it was you were trying to reach was supposed to be ready and waiting for your call, and now you peeling off a fifty for the ass? A FIFTY, NIGGA? LOL I dont know who's more corny, you or the bitch you was tryna call!
*RME*
I was hot, so I took to Facebook and put the dude on front. That's some wack ass shit if I ever seen some wack ass shit. And who around here giving up the cooch for $50 a pop? LOL She needs her ass kicked too. And knowing how a lotta them Roc broads do, if he had gotten the right chick, she probably woulda thought that shit was cute. I can almost guarantee she woulda let that fool come through. *smh*
I am just TOO disgusted with the state of relations these days. I mean I aint too long out of the single life to have forgotten how some of those late night phone calls go, and if she had something going on with this dude, the call woulda probably been fine in the direction it was going. But the text? #COMEONSON If I had an ep pending with some dude and he followed up with some shit like that, do you know how quick his ass woulda been read? If you know me, Im sure you have some idea. What kinda female gives a dude that kinda room to move? Isnt it clear that a cat that would come at you like that aint bout shit and dont think you are either? Come on, baby, we got to do better than this.
*smh*
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Moments
Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of my first kiss. What's cool is that I am still friends with the guy I had it with and we had a pretty good laugh about it. He was surprised that I remembered. I advised him not to feel special - I remember everything LOL... but of course I was gonna remember that.... a) it was the day after his birthday and b) it wasnt just the first time I had kissed him, it was my first kiss EVER. Every girl remembers that.....
I think LOL.....
......if you dont, I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
Life is about the moments. When you get on in years and start giving accounts of your life to your children and grandchildren, you wanna be able to paint the picture in bold color. And even if you should not have been blessed with offspring, you should wanna be able reflect back on your life with a smile that grows bigger with every detail you add. They say you only live once, but you can live twice through the memories.
So if you cant recall the date of your first kiss, take some time today to think back. See if you can at least ballpark it. It might trigger some other fun memories you havent thought about in a while. When is the last time you had a smile sneak up on you?
:) <-- GOTCHA! LOL
I think LOL.....
......if you dont, I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
Life is about the moments. When you get on in years and start giving accounts of your life to your children and grandchildren, you wanna be able to paint the picture in bold color. And even if you should not have been blessed with offspring, you should wanna be able reflect back on your life with a smile that grows bigger with every detail you add. They say you only live once, but you can live twice through the memories.
So if you cant recall the date of your first kiss, take some time today to think back. See if you can at least ballpark it. It might trigger some other fun memories you havent thought about in a while. When is the last time you had a smile sneak up on you?
:) <-- GOTCHA! LOL
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Secret to Happiness and Inner Peace
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Being Still
I spent a good chunk of the afternoon annoyed yesterday and I was halfway through the blog I was writing about it when I realized it was after 5 and I'd rather take my ass home than finish it. As the night wore on, the aggravation began to dissipate, but it was still somewhat in the back of my mind when I went to sleep.
I have a handful of small, personal projects I'm working on. Unfortunately, they all hinge on somebody else doing something and I dont fare well with that. I dont know if Im just really impatient...... yes I do. I am really impatient LOL..... but thats not the point LOL. It might also be because I am a big procrastinator, so the times when I do gear up and tackle things, Im tryna get shit done and I get frustrated when the other party doesnt embrace the same sense of urgency about it that I do. Im not saying they should or shouldnt, Im just saying it annoys the hell outta me.
But I stopped, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and remembered that Im supposed to be still. This morning, the daily devotional said this:
"Thursday, March 1, 2012
Read | Proverbs 16:9
No one likes to wait, but have you ever wondered why? It's because delays show us that we are not in control. Someone or something else is calling the shots. Although we may be able to identify the immediate cause--like a traffic light or the long checkout line--ultimately the One who controls all our delays is the Lord. Since He is sovereign over everything in heaven and on earth, even our time and schedules are in His hands.
This means that in every delay, we are actually waiting for God in one way or another. You might have thought that the expression "waiting upon the Lord" applies only to seeking guidance from Him or an answer to prayer. But it can mean so much more when you remember that He controls all your day-to-day inconveniences and frustrations.
In the Christian life, learning to wait is vitally important because until you do, you'll never be able to walk in obedience to God, have an effective prayer life, or experience the peace of resting in His loving sovereignty. We must learn to trust His judgment--about not just the big events in our lives, but also the trivial ones which cause us to become irritated, impatient, or even angry. If we're sensitive to His instruction, each delay has a lesson.
The next time you face an unexpected or unwanted wait, remember that it comes as no surprise to God. He wants to teach you patience and increase your faith. He's more interested in developing godly character than He is in making sure your schedule runs according to your plans."
Boom.
I aint even gon say nothing else.
I have a handful of small, personal projects I'm working on. Unfortunately, they all hinge on somebody else doing something and I dont fare well with that. I dont know if Im just really impatient...... yes I do. I am really impatient LOL..... but thats not the point LOL. It might also be because I am a big procrastinator, so the times when I do gear up and tackle things, Im tryna get shit done and I get frustrated when the other party doesnt embrace the same sense of urgency about it that I do. Im not saying they should or shouldnt, Im just saying it annoys the hell outta me.
But I stopped, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and remembered that Im supposed to be still. This morning, the daily devotional said this:
"Thursday, March 1, 2012
Read | Proverbs 16:9
No one likes to wait, but have you ever wondered why? It's because delays show us that we are not in control. Someone or something else is calling the shots. Although we may be able to identify the immediate cause--like a traffic light or the long checkout line--ultimately the One who controls all our delays is the Lord. Since He is sovereign over everything in heaven and on earth, even our time and schedules are in His hands.
This means that in every delay, we are actually waiting for God in one way or another. You might have thought that the expression "waiting upon the Lord" applies only to seeking guidance from Him or an answer to prayer. But it can mean so much more when you remember that He controls all your day-to-day inconveniences and frustrations.
In the Christian life, learning to wait is vitally important because until you do, you'll never be able to walk in obedience to God, have an effective prayer life, or experience the peace of resting in His loving sovereignty. We must learn to trust His judgment--about not just the big events in our lives, but also the trivial ones which cause us to become irritated, impatient, or even angry. If we're sensitive to His instruction, each delay has a lesson.
The next time you face an unexpected or unwanted wait, remember that it comes as no surprise to God. He wants to teach you patience and increase your faith. He's more interested in developing godly character than He is in making sure your schedule runs according to your plans."
Boom.
I aint even gon say nothing else.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
