Maybe.

I got a text today that said "I started my memoirs..... its about all the significant women I've had in my life" LOL I could only assume I was getting the text because I was going to be included, but I asked, just to be sure. "Yes," he said. It wasnt as if I didnt know he counted me among the significant, but it felt good to have it confirmed. At least I know that even when it doesnt work out, Im remembered. It got me thinking about the significant men I've had in my life. There's only a few, but they exist and each has taught me something different about life and about myself. I learned how easy it is to see what you wanna see. I learned how easy it is to lose yourself and how hard it can be to get "you" back. I learned how actual reality can be very different from MY reality. I learned that just because you give everything to a person doesnt mean they'll give everything in return. I learned that what you get is what you'll have, and how you start is how you'll finish. I learned that loving a person sometimes means letting them go love someone else. I learned that a man will do as much as you allow him to. I learned not to hold on to something in fear of there never being another. There will always be another. Most importantly, I learned that I should never love a person more than I love myself. These were all painful lessons, as they would be for anyone, but I am grateful to have learned them. I am still good friends with most of my "sigs" - a couple, I had to cleanse myself of completely. I dont like to sever relationships of any kind because I take them so personally and dont like my motives to be misunderstood, but I got a message today that said severing is not a reflection of how you feel about a person, but a reflection of how you feel about yourself. It's such a jewel. I have had the luxury of being in love several times. I've had probably three great loves when most would say you're only allowed one. I can't complain. I've been lucky. Maybe one day I'll write a memoir too of all the loves of my life. Or maybe one day I'll find the one that makes the rest unworthy of the ink. Maybe.

So how was your weekend?

If I told you how my weekend was, you probably wouldn’t believe me. Some of the shit that was said and done is just too much for TV, let alone real life, but I promise you – you cannot make this stuff up. VH1 would have paid a pretty penny for the footage….if there was any. I will say this: it started out as the best time I’ve had in quite a while. It went to shit when someone forgot one of Dig’s cardinal rules of social gatherings: if you can’t hold your liquor, learn to hold your tongue. Weeks…. Hell, MONTHS of groundwork blown to smithereens in a matter of hours, by the very one who laid it. The trouble with self-sabotage is that you never go down in flames by yourself. You always take at least one other person with you. The worst of these scenarios is public and without warning, but that is the true test of character; composure when no one would blame you for catching a case. The only thing worse than realizing you were wrong about a person is finding that you were right about them, and in all the worst ways, at the worst possible time. The blessing is in having discovered it early enough that the damage is minimal and more about your ego than your emotions. Shit happens. Charge it to the game and move on.

WTF??? LOL

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2009/05/13/dolphins_are_violent_predators_that_kill_their_own_babies.html


Please read this article. As awful as the things being said are, I couldnt help but laugh at the imagery. I mean.... they're dolphins LOL

*smh*

I hear theres some youtube videos on this too, Ima have to investigate. Shit, Im already knee deep in the madness, why stop now? LOL

Remembering 9/11

I totally lost my shit this morning.

I come through World Trade every day and never really stop to think. It’s partly intentional.

I didn’t even realize today was the anniversary of 9/11 until I got off the train and saw the usual unnecessary number of police and military had almost tripled and there were news crews everywhere. The 9/11 memorial ceremony. I got to the corner, where the traffic guards were pulling the chain to stop foot traffic from crossing and instinctively, I turned around and looked at the Freedom Tower, not yet finished. My eyes drifted automatically to the space around it….. the fenced-in blankness below it….. and I lost it. I didn’t meant to. But I did. Just for a moment.

The traffic guards held us just long enough for me to get my life together, and by the time we were allowed to cross the street, I was okay again. Half a block up, while I was trying not to stare at this FINE secret service agent outside one of the barricades (LOL) I passed Rudy Giuliani. I had never seen him in person and he was literally an arm’s length away from me. It made me smile in really random fashion.

Tomorrow things will go back to normal and I will once again walk through World Trade not acknowldeging the ghosts of a time passed. But today.... I remember.

Read All About It

EXHAUSTED!

I had the most awesome weekend with the midgets, but I am exhausted! And if I told yall how much money we spent this weekend - hell, in Walmart alone - you would need stop everything you were doing to slap the shit outta me LOL. Seriously. Its that bad LOL.

But Im cool cause its been a long time since we could ball out like we did this weekend. As long as they are happy, Im happy.

There was a slight disruption in the time-space continuum I guess - being asked about some non-existent issue I supposedly have with someone, but that's what happens when people read shit I say in here and arent used to my.... colorful language LOL. Its all good. I love everybody. Even when they dont love me. Fuck it LOL.

My upstate folks, I'll be in the building in a couple weeks. Weekends go fast, so no hard feelings if I dont get around to you, but I'll catch you on the next trip.

I hope yall had a good weekend. If not, well.... try harder next week LOL.

#deuces

Before and After

This was me a year ago. Hell, this was probably me 6 months ago LOL

And this was me on Friday.

I posted the second pic on Friday evening to shut down some requests for new pics I was getting (outside of stuff I've been tagged in, I havent really posted any pics of myself in over a year) and I got messages from at least 3 people, including a guy I worked with a year ago who is obsessed with his own weight, asking me what I did. The truth of the matter is, I really dont know LOL. Well I do, I guess, but really, its just common sense. Eat less, move more.

Yall know I tried Weight Watchers for a minute a little over a year ago. That shit helped me lose all of about 5 pounds LOL. But it did give me some insight as to how bad certain things were for me that I didnt realize were as bad as they were, and it also showed me that while I was often eating only once a day, I was eating way too much in that one sitting. So it didnt work for me at all while I was paying for the shit (*RME*) but after I stopped it, the mindset it created in me stuck around. Honestly, I've only been consciously working on this for like 3 months or so.

I dont believe in diets. If you know anything about me, you know Ima eat whatever the fuck I want LOL. Now I just eat less of it at one time. After you eat smaller portions for a little while, you will find yourself not ABLE to stuff yourself like you used to. I have to add a caveat though: I dont eat red meat, Im not that big on sweets and I dont drink soda, which are all big pitfalls, so you have to take that into consideration. I'd suggest cutting back on those if you're a junkie. You also should realize that just because your stomach growls, it doesnt mean you are hungry. Sometimes its just gas or other food still processing. When you're hungry, you'll know, and just eat enough to not be hungry anymore. Be careful eating out - I LOVE Red Lobster LOL. Its great for you wallet when they give you a ton of food but the truth of the matter is, nobody should eat that much at once. When you find yourself bringing home a doggy bag, you're making progress.

I also dont believe in working out LOL. Well.... its not that I dont believe in it, Im just lazy and gym memberships will wind up donations to the facility because I'll never go. Run? Shiiiiit, I aint runnin NOWHERE. TRUST LOL. But I did make a conscious decision to walk places I didnt absolutely have to take the train to, which essentially amounts to anywhere within about 10 blocks, so long as I could still get where I was going on time. The upside to NYC is that everybody walks like they've got somewhere to be. Nobody really does any leisurely strolling, so Im usually not just walking, Im WALKING. That's honestly about as much exercise as I get.

I even still drink - in moderation also, but I drink. Pretty regularly too - dont judge me LOL. I just stick to my old faithful, bacardi and cranberry juice, which is inherently pretty good for you and cleanses your system..... the cranberry juice, not the bacardi LOL. Dont drink that dark though and think you gonna lose weight. Aint gon happen. Not too much wine either.

So I guess all I can really tell those who have asked is.... its really just common sense. Eat enough to not be hungry. Dont eat to be full. And walk instead of driving or riding to places you dont really have to. Its not gonna happen as fast as if you were working out and maybe dieting, but if youre patient and focused more on being healthy than losing weight, it'll happen serendipitously.

And lastly, it sounds silly, but enjoy life. Laugh as much as you can even when its all you can do not to cry and try not to stress. It really does make a big difference.

Hey, Im no weight loss guru. I admit, I really didnt have much of a plan here, these are just all the things I FOUND myself doing but from photo 1 to photo 2 in just a few months isn't bad, if I do say so myself.

Have at it.

Just to see

When I woke up this morning, there was about an inch left of the black and mild I was smoking last night. I went ahead and had it with my coffee, fully expecting to pick up another one when I went to the store later, but somewhere during the course of the day, I decided not to. Now I wouldn’t go so far as to say I started my quitting journey today – in fact, smart money says I’ll be firing one up by noon – but if you’ve ever been a smoker who was trying to quit, you know going a whole day is kind of a big deal. I just wanted to see if I could. Well, I knew I COULD, but I wanted to see how hard it would be with no preparation. It definitely wasn’t cake, but it coulda been a whole lot worse.

The thing about impromptu habit interruptions is that they make you super raw. It’s like you are trying so hard to ignore that nagging urge, that for a few hours, all your senses are heightened and you turn into the dude from Limitless LOL. I made decisions on shit today that I didn’t even know I was trying to figure out LOL…. But that functioning at a high level is short-lived. Once you’ve passed that stage, you get clumsy, agitated and slightly discombobulated – or at least, I do. For me that’s about 3 days in, so I was alright, but I could damn sure jump out a window right now tho. This tea better kick in quick. My nerves bout to be bad LOL.