Monday, December 31, 2012

A New Time



Lord knows how long the powers that be will allow this video to stay up, but I had to post it because it broke me down this morning. If my last month or so of blogs were made into a song, it would be this one.

When I think back over 2012, I have to smile and cry at the same damn time. Its funny how growth can sometimes feel like loss, but in order to gain anything, one has to give something else up. Its called progress when what you opt for adds more to your life than what you sacrifice leaves you without. Only sometimes, the impact of your decisions arent immediately visible, and that worry sets in, causing you to wonder if you've done the right thing. In the last year of ups and downs, I've learned to trust myself, but as I've said before, win or lose, the decisions have been mine.

I've changed a lot. My last trip home bore evidence of that. In 2013, I'd ask of my friends and family; get to know me again... or for the first time. I'd ask of my enemies; forgive me. I forgive you. I'd ask of my future; embrace me, and of my past.......[sigh].... let me go...

Please... let me go.

If you really knew what it took........ *tears* ........ if you really knew what it took, you wouldnt judge me. Not just this past year, but ALL these years. Scars both outside and in... Trust me when I say reading about it and living it are two completely different things, and there is so, so much more you still dont know. SO much more. But me? I know it all. I lived and survived it ALL.

So when midnight strikes and (God willing) I step into my 37th year of this life, there will be no words to describe how I feel. I dont know if I've ever brought the new year in, just me and my children. A part of me will be crying because for the first time, no one else is here. Most of me will be crying because for the first time... that's okay.

It took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses
And one too many lies
Dont be surprised...

Its a brand new time for me.


Happy New Year.

Love, Dig.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

12-30-12

Back in Jersey, trying to close up the weekend with a little productivity. Cleaning the house, doing laundry and eventually putting up the stuff I dragged down from my girlfriend's attic. I just realized half the stuff needs a shelf or something to go on LOL. Guess I got some shopping to do.

Ended my trip upstate with a night out at the club with some of my peoples. It wasnt quite the night out we were looking for but I had a decent time, considering. The downside was having too good a time with somebody it took me forever to get out of my system. Before the night was over, I was right back where I didnt want to be - tossing and turning all night, hating life and wishing things were different. I think I cried for like a half hour on my way outta town....smh. But I aint bout that life no more. Things are not different, but I am. The "wisdom to know the difference" has made ALL the difference in my life of late and while its something I wish I didnt have to do.... AGAIN.... I will get over it. AGAIN.

And in the spirit of moving on, I am excited to see what the new year has in store for me. I always look forward to bigger and better things for the year to come, but this is the first time in a couple years that I actually believed there were great things ahead. Maybe its because I once again feel like Im starting over, either willingly or reluctantly leaving a lot of things behind, but leaving them behind nonetheless.

Still one whole week before I have to go back to work, so once I get the house back in order, I'll work on getting my credit there too and do some of the writing that's been burning a hole in my to-do list for the last few weeks. Mr. "walk down Broadway" owes me dinner and though Im not feeling he's gonna be my "next big thing" he's more than happy keeping the seat warm while I wait. Im good with that. Just ordered the books I need for my next class and ... well.... Im just ready for whatever is on the horizon. Not gonna speculate as to what might be, just ready for it.

I hope you all are preparing new and better "you's" for 2013, not making resolutions, but real deal changes in your lives. You know what they say - a life unexamined is one not worth the living. Well, thats what THEY say LOL. I feel the random, unexpected moments that warm your heart, make you smile or encourage you to dream, examined or not, make EVERY life worth living, but what do I know...?





Thursday, December 27, 2012

First thing in the damn morning....smh

SMH.

Why do I have to explain to you why I dont want to have sex with you? The first few words of the phrase "I dont want to...." should be all you need. And are you really trying guilt me right now? Seriously? All that shit you talkin bout was seven years ago LOL. SEVEN YEARS, DUDE!

"Well its been forever."

"Theres a reason its been forever. We aint in that space no more."

"Why cant we go back... we grown...."

*staring into the camera* You dont sound very grown right now. "We were grown then."

"Ok but why cant we go back to that space?"

*staring into the camera* *updating Google translator* "Because I dont WANT to."

Would it have been better for me to say (among other things) that the dick was trash? I mean it was, but I kinda feel like it mighta ruined our friendship if I had said it LOL. At the end of the day though, I shouldnt have to give you a reason.

Did I mention that this whole conversation arose because he wanted to see me while Im here and I told him to meet me at the happy hour Im going to tomorrow? Yeah well, he felt some kinda way about it. "Oh I gotta meet you at the club now?" LOL no, you aint GOTTA do nothing. Im just saying, thats where I'll be if you should be looking. He clearly hasnt gotten the memo that what HE wants has no impact on what I want. Could I have had him come by my girl's crib? Sure. She knows him, she'd be fine with that. The truth of the matter is, he's just not that high on my list of priorities for me to even put that on the table. Its not like we havent been in touch - he's up to date on whats going on in my life (as much as a non-member of the inner circle would be) so its not like we have catching up to do. WTF do you need to come sit on a couch for? LOL And where did all this sex shit come from? A bitch posts a pic that reminds you how nice her legs are and muhfuckas come out the woodwork tryna get that old thang back. Look here, bruh. That old thang wasnt that good the first time around, thats why its old LOL. It is not by accident that I havent been fuckin with you like that. Or you. OR you LOL.

WTF is in the water up here?

SMH.




Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Day 5

So Im 5 days into my trip Upstate, and surprisingly, most of that time has been spent with my family. We've actually been having a pretty good time, but of course, to everything, turn, turn, turn LOL....smh.

My mama thought I was her personal errand girl today since she went back to work and I had her car. Even though it was the only day I've had it, I dont think Im gonna take it again. I aint hardly here for all that LOL. Actually, I might cut my trip a little short and go back home Saturday - I dont know yet. I thought a longer trip would be good since I usually dont have enough time to see everybody I want to see when Im just here for a weekend, but as cozy as my girlfriend's place is, Im missing the comfort of my own home and I find it difficult to write here, which is something I had planned to do a lot of. It could just be that with spending so much time with the family I havent had a chance to catchup with my homies, but I think I just dont NEED to be here so long. There just isnt that much ground to cover. Plus I realized I dont really wanna see half the people I thought I did LOL.

Why one of my exes called me Saturday though, talking about he wanted to hang out. Eh, whatever - we still cool, why not? Then he started asking 100 questions about where the midgets were and where they were gonna be and if my girlfriend was here and Im like did I miss this year's census? You asking a lotta questions, bruh LOL. He hits me with the "I was thinking I'd come keep you company tonight" [read: "I was hoping I could come hit that for old times sake"] Oh did you really now? "Um, the obvious aside... I thought you were all boo'd up now?" He goes, "I know, thats fucked up huh? [chuckle]"

*staring into the camera*

"Yeah so..... no."

Then he's all on Facebook yesterday with all this lovey dovey boo bay shit about his girl and what she cooked and their "love" LOL and all the natives were just eating it up. I wanted to comment so bad like nigga, just TWO days ago you was....... smh...... Niggas aint shit LOL.

He wasnt the only one tryna get in some drawz though. In the 5 days I've been here, I've been propositioned 3 other times - 2 the same night (Saturday) and once today. These muthafuckas crazy LOL. All this snow and 20 degree temps got these fools wilding the fuck out. I am way outside my habitat, I need to take my neo-prude ass home LOL.

They talkin about a foot or more of snow tonight though and it's already started to pile up out there, so Ima be in the house with my girl, probably sipping and clearing the DVR. My guess is most everyone else will be in the house too, so Im sure Im in for an evening of Facebook fuckery, but hey.... those nights make for the best blogs LOL.

Stay tuned!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Having a moment

Missing my Auntie Judy this morning. It kinda came outta nowhere.

I saw a man on the train with these black finger nails and I thought to myself, I’ve seen ONE black fingernail but how does a person have ALL black fingernails? I figured something must be wrong with him…. Maybe some liver thing or…. Cancer. And I remembered the time my Aunt Judy unwrapped her hands and showed me how her fingers were oozing this…. pus and swelling and her nails were yellowing. It was gross but it drew me in to an understanding. Something in that moment told me she wasn’t gonna make it. And then instantly my mind went from that scene to the end of her days, when my mom was flying down to be with her in the hospital for her last moments. I wanted to go so bad but at the time I couldn’t afford it. In retrospect, I probably benefitted greatly from being able to remember her the way she was when I last saw her – vibrant and full of life. But I sent my mom down with a pack of the cigars I smoke. Auntie Judy liked those. It was our thing. I hoped that sending them would make her feel like I was with her, and according to my mom, it did.

I think about Auntie Judy in passing all the time, but this is the first time in a while that I thought about her in a way that caused me to have to leave my desk and have a moment in the restroom. When I tell you I cried, I'm talking about boo-hoo, like-a-baby crying. But its okay, because it reminds me that I was blessed enough to have been that close to somebody – close enough that 5 years later, their absence can be felt as if it had just happened yesterday. It also reminds me how much I still carry her with me, even in the moments when I don’t acknowledge it.

It also reminded me that some things matter, while others really don’t.

I was upset yesterday because of something I failed to do at work. I was so upset that I was completely drained both physically and mentally by 4pm and when I got home, my entire body shut down. I struggled to stay up until 10 so I wouldn’t find myself waking up in the middle of the night, but I was out by 10:30. I woke up at 3:33 exactly, went to the bathroom and got back in bed, too awake to actually sleep, so I just kinda rested my eyes until 6. When I got up, I felt almost brand new – over the thing at work yesterday and just looking forward to the day. I had made myself physically sick the night before, stressing about something that I couldn’t change. I don’t know what happened in the overnight but I kinda feel like Aunt Judy kicked my spirit in the ass to tell me to get my shit together LOL and maybe I had the moment I had because she wanted to make sure I knew it was her. I can hear her now, “Sweetie, don’t sweat the small stuff.”

I hear you, Auntie. I hear you.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Enjoying the now

Its so easy for most of us to sit and reflect on times, things and people we've had in our lives, or attempt to map out things to come, but its not so easy for us to just enjoy the place we're at in our lives right now. Reflection is great for the soul and having a plan for the future is great too, but sometimes we spend so much time looking back and worrying about what's ahead that we dont see the beauty in the now. Before we know it, when we look up, another year has gone by and we've missed it.

We've missed it.

I watched a couple of things on TV yesterday that made me hella nostalgic. I thought back to my adolescence and the friends and experiences I had back then and it was the first time in a long time, that I could go that far back in my mind without feeling sad that those times are gone... wanting to go back and be there again. A simpler time. Minimal consequences for doing really stupid shit LOL. Dealing with people based on your genuine feeling as opposed to what life has taught you would result from dealing in that way. If there is one thing I wish I could recover, it would be that innocence. Being able to just operate the way I was naturally inclined to without analyzing. But thats the sacrifice of maturity - innocence lost.

But I've crossed that bridge.

The people who were central to my life then are not the same people central to my life today, and after speaking to one of my girls for what seemed like 2 hours, I realize its possible that the people who are central to my life today might not be the same ones central to it 15 years from now - God willing I live to see another 15 years. And that scared me a little bit at first, but another thing I realized was that its another sacrifice you make to move on to new phases in your life. The realest bonds never go away, just like those I genuinely bonded with back then still have circumferential roles in my life today. Those who arent around, werent meant to be and Im okay with that.

Dammit, Ima be 40 in 3 years! Sheesh! I cannot believe that shit. SMH. I think that epiphany is what sparked a lot of this thought process, aside from the things I watched yesterday and the music I listened to that took me back. Got me thinking, damn, where did the time go? Then I look at my son and realize he'll be 15 pretty soon and Im like SHIT! 15 though? Wow. When I was 15..... SMH... Jesus help me LOL.

I love this time of year because it does make me sit back and think about my life and how far I've come. Tough times aside, I've had a really good life and some wonderful experiences. I blogged before about needing to embrace my new life and let go of the remnants of the old one I've been holding on so desperately to, but I'll spend much of my visit home catching up with people from yester year. I want to do it, but I also need to do it. At first I'd get a request from "high school dirtbag A" who caught wind of my plans to be in town via Facebook and be like nigga, a drink? With you? For what? LOL But then I'd tell myself it might be worth it to let him see what he fucked up and show myself that I didnt miss out on a damn thing LOL. Why not? Next thing you know I had accepted 3 of those drink dates LOL. Fuck it. #enjoyingthenow.com LOL

I'd list the many ways in which Im blessed, but there is no way I could do it and not miss like 1,000 things. Suffice it to say that there is a lot about my life right now that is really great and Im going to spend 2013 enjoying every ounce of the now. Its the only thing that matters.







Friday, December 14, 2012

Turn, turn, turn.....

Confirmation that I need to get my shit from upstate: chatty ass delivery dude brought my groceries to the house, stood in the door and looked around and goes, "Nice place. Just move in?"

*staring into the camera*

No, bitch. LOL

*************************

Heartfelt condolences to the victims and families of those killed in the schoolhouse shooting in Newtown, CT this morning. There is no act more soul-less and cowardly than one that intentionally does harm to or takes the life of a child.... let alone 20. These are the last days yall. December 21st? No. But Him soon come....



Monday, December 10, 2012

Catfish

I should be writing my paper right now and trust me, I will get on it as soon as Im done here, but I'll be damned if I didnt just sit through 2 episodes of the craziest shit I ever seen on TV LOL.

Have you seen the movie Catfish? If you havent, its about a guy who fell in love with a woman on Facebook and embarked on a journey to meet her - a journey which he thought it would be cool to document on film. In the end, the woman he met was not the woman he thought he had been talking to all this time - AT ALL. I mean this woman and her whole entire family (yes, family LOL) was fucked the fuck up LOL. The woman whose pictures he had been seeing actually existed but she was happily married, didnt know anything about what was going on and didnt know the lady who was pretending to be her, which Nev (the guy) found out when he reached out to her to tell her about everything that had happened.

Well now Nev has turned Catfish into a reality series. People send him messages about their online romances and he picks the most interesting ones to "help along" through the process of meeting each other. This was the first time I had ever seen the show, although its been on a little while, I guess. The first episode that aired was pretty benign but the second one? Woo Lawd! LOL

So Nev chooses to help this girl named Jasmine who is pretty young - I'd guess maybe 18 or so. She's been talking to this guy "Mike" for 2 years on Facebook and they had never met. Not overly weird..... until you hear that they only live 15 minutes apart. (Im sorry.... huh? LOL) They've also only talked on the phone twice, for just a couple of minutes each time before the phone mysteriously loses reception... and he never calls back (we've been over this before). The backstory is that Mike had a baby mama he was supposedly no longer with and Jasmine was going to be upset if she found out the reason he was being so shady is because he was actually still with the ex.

So Nev and Max (camera man) go all through "Mike's" page, trying to find clues and even call a girl, "Ceanna", who seems to actually know him. They reach out to her and she confirms that "Mike" is real, they were good friends and he was, in fact, engaged to his baby mama, with whom he now had 2 kids. Everybody knows something is janky at this point so they get Jasmine to ask "Mike" for a meet because they need to set things straight once and for all. He agrees.

They all go to where "Mike" lives and here is this skanky broad in half a dress walking across the street. Long story short.... sighhhhhh..... Jasmine and this chick Mhissy were cool until they realized they were fucking with the same dude. Mhissy claims she is actually in a relationship with the dude while Jasmine was just banging him and that when she asked Jasmine to respect that and fall back, she wouldnt. So Mhissy creates this fake Facebook personality to distract Jasmine from her so-called man. Apparently it worked, because 2 years later, Jasmine is in love with this fake personality. Jasmine is all broken up (blah, blah, blah) and Mhissy has no remorse.

Now there is a lot wrong with this picture. How do you kick it with somebody for 2 years and only talk to them on the phone twice, for just a couple minutes? How do you live 15 minutes away from each other and never meet? Now Mhissy aside, that would be some bullshit if the muhfucka was real. Women get played every day but like THAT for 2 YEARS? #comeonson

*paper break* I'll be back. Oh yeah. Im gon be back LOL

[2 hours later]

Okay.

So I love the idea that Nev took his experience and turned it into a movement to blow up spots all over America LOL. Sure, some of the stories are bound to have happy (or at least happer) endings, but there are a lot of crazy people out here and you have to be really careful dealing with people online who you dont know. I felt horrible for Nev when I saw the movie, but more than feeling horrible, I could relate.

I had two experiences during my period of online shenanigans where guys were not who they told me they were. It wasnt a love thing either time, but I liked the dudes. The first one was super sweet, had a voice that I thought matched the picture I had seen, but like the chick in the episode, whenever I'd ask for a pic I hadnt seen, he'd have some kind of problem uploading the file or something. Computers are fickle, hey, maybe he was having issues. He didnt seem very computer literate to begin with, so I just let it ride. He was cool, so whatever. The problem came when 2 months had gone by and he still couldnt figure the shit out LOL. Now it was an issue because he was REALLY tripping, putting his mama on the phone, telling her she was gonna be welcoming me to the family, had her inviting me to dinner and all that kinda shit. I was like hold up nah, potna, I like you and all that, but pump the brakes. I NEED you to find some time to meet up, I mean you're only 45 minutes away, so dont gimme no bullshit. I'll even come to you. And I did.

This fool.....smh....

I take a day off and drive to Buffalo to meet him at this marina. I pull up and look for the green Tahoe he's calling me from. He pulls up behind me and doesnt get out right away, so I dont either. A few seconds later, dude gets out the truck with some roses and starts walking toward my car, so I get out, but I'm looking back and forth from him to his truck, thinking okay, James must be in the truck cause THIS aint the muhfucka I been talking to LOL. I mean, James musta had his boy come check me out first or something and then he'd come out after he got the nod. Of course that didnt make any kinda sense, but it was better to believe that in that moment than believe this dusty, black ass, pillsbury doughboy ass nigga in the dingy white velour sweatsuit, busted, ran-over sneakers and kinky fake gold rope chains was why I drove all that way LOL. It took everything in me not to turn right around, get back in the car and go back to the Roc, but once I did find words, they just kept coming LOL. I cursed his ass out six ways from Sunday LOL. And it wasnt cause he wasnt the fine dude in the picture.... well yeah it was LOL.... but I mean it was the principle of the matter. How insecure do you have to be to do some shit like that, and after you've talked to a person for a while and got them to kinda like you, why wouldnt you realize that you couldnt keep that shit up forever and just come clean? On some real shit, I woulda forgave it. We woulda been squarely in the friend zone but I woulda forgave it LOL. He created a situation where I was never gonna speak to him again. And in the midst of him getting cursed out, this fool calls his mama LOL. "She wanna talk to you" LMAO! Are you fuckin kidding me? I shoulda beat his ass with that phone, but I took it and talked to her, politely telling her that I was sure she is a very nice woman but no, I would not be coming for dinner that night or any other night. Then I threw the phone at him and did what I shoulda did from jump: got back in my car and drove off.

The second dude came clean to me after I told him I had had that experience. Im sure it was hard for him to do and I forgave it, but a liar doesnt tell just one lie, and his other ones included a wife. Yeah.

So I learned the signs of online fakers and also incorporated video chatting into my regimen LOL. But eventually I just went back to meeting people in the real world. I've had the occasional online endeavor since, but not with complete strangers and if they werent computer literate enough to upload a file or work a damn webcam, I wasnt interested LOL. But I had totally forgotten about that shit until I watched Catfish today and it just reminded me that some people out here are really demented. A person being too insecure about their own looks or worth to be themselves in a space that allows them to be whoever they want to be is one thing. For a chick to create a fake manpage to get back at a rival and then maintain not only the page but the charade for 2 whole years is just crazy. And she wasnt even just being the dude, she done created fake people for the dude to be friends with and was playing their roles too! LOL Who does that shit? LOL Man, people are crazy for real. Ima mess around and have another reality show addiction but this definitely aint a show you gonna see ME on!

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Let it marinate


‎"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now" - Zig Ziglar

I wanted to blog about this but I cant get my thoughts together. So for now, just let it marinate.....

24

I feel inclined to say that I work with a bunch of whores LOL. But I dont. Well.... yeah I do LOL. But the real deal is I work with a bunch of 24 year olds. Most 24 year olds are whores LOL. They just dont realize it.

Clearly Im joking with the overgeneralization but Im not at all joking about it being true about these bitches I work with. If they're 24 - and most of em are - they're whores LOL. Party girls. They drink too much at corporate functions and make out with coworkers they barely say two words to during the week. Just because its fun.

Okay. *shrugs* No judgment here.

But its really fucking annoying to watch a woman, even if you are 24, do the whole excessive giggling thing and pour yourself all over some guy with a girlfriend he's damn near married to, who is just gonna turn to me and tell me how ridiculous you are when you get up to go to the bathroom. And yes, I like you, but I cant tell him he shouldnt say such things about you because they are true. All of them. And I suspect its three times worse outside these walls.

One chick in particular wants a boyfriend soooooo bad. Its all she talks about but she doesnt have a clue that the reason she cant find one is because she's being stupid and playing herself at every turn. She's seeing a banker and a teacher. The banker is showing interest in wanting to spend time, meanwhile the teacher MIGHT text her once a week and which one is she worried about? Of course. The teacher. Then teacher's friend sends her a message about wanting to hang out and she's asking if she should go. More accurately, she's trying to justify the request as not being of ill intent. Dude, they're FRIENDS. Not just people who know each other, FRIENDS. Its not like he doesnt know you are seeing the guy. But let's say for shits and giggles that he isnt trying to play you like a skeezer. What does it say about you if you go "hang out" with his friend? If the teacher did really dig you, you'd be on the no-fly list after that because who does that? Yeah, continue to see other people until he gets his shit together but not his friends, dummy LOL. And stop friending all his friends on Facebook, WTF is WRONG with you??? LOL....smh. I have to wonder what you said or did to make this friend even think it was cool to come at you. I have to wonder what conversations those two had about you for him to think it was cool. My guess? Teacher boy is really not that into you. Im just saying.

Again, Im not judging the girl, Im simply pointing out the insanity of her thinking. Lord knows I've had my wild child days but shit, I wasnt looking for a boyfriend. If you want a boyfriend, think like a girlfriend. If you're having fun partying and slutting around, then by all means, knock yourself out. You're young, live life! Just know its not the means to the end you seek and dont be mad about the reputation you develop behind it. Dont come in to work mad that people are talking about you because guess what? They already are.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Back to Life

With some help from my crazy ass kids, a brand new pair of boots that I absolutely love, and a surprise [virtual] appearance from my ex, Im starting to feel a little more like myself. Know how I know? I feel like cooking LOL. Sounds silly, but I always feeling like experimenting in my kitchen when Im feeling better after a low period. Not just regular cooking, but making something like.... sauteed string beans or asparagus with shrimp and mushrooms LOL. Never even made that before but it sounds awesome right about now. All I need now is a travel deal with no holiday blackout dates and all will be right with the world.

I gained 7 pounds over Thanksgiving week, which Im not happy about, but that's what pigging out on crab stuffing and macaroni and cheese will get you. I own it LOL. We'll see what we can do about that over the next 29 days. I think I can knock out an even ten by New Years.

Three weeks left of work to pray through but Im feeling much better about my trip Upstate now that I dont have the party thing to worry about. Now I can concentrate on just enjoying the time there and catching up with some people I never seem to have enough time to see when I'm only there a couple of days. Im looking forward to spending some time with my girls too. I told one of them I'd actually go out with her. Yall know I dont even do that no more, but hey.... might as well live a little.

Well.... off to blow dry my baby's hair, aromify my kitchen (yes, aromify LOL) and hopefully find the motivation to start my paper. I hope everybody's having a wonderful weekend. I'll catch yall on the B side...