Thats just what I get

So today was only the 2nd time I’ve been to the dentist in like 5 or 6 years – the first being about 3 weeks ago, which is when I made this appointment. Nobody likes going to the dentist but I REALLY don’t like going to the dentist, so those appointments were always the first to get moved if some other shit came up. You know, important shit like.... organizing the silverware drawer lol. Eventually “moved” would always turn into “canceled” and here we are 5 or 6 years later, in need of $6,000 worth of work….smh.

I was reminded of all the reasons I hate the dentist today and yup, they are all still there lol. But it was a necessary evil, especially after I broke my tooth (which is why I went to the dentist 3 weeks ago in the first place). I wasn’t happy though.

She stabbed me in the gums like 16 times with that needle and I was getting a deep cleaning so then she went to scraping and digging into every individual tooth, under the gum, on both the front and back sides, from one side of my mouth to the other and back again. EVERY INDIVIDUAL TOOTH! Bad enough it was already uncomfortable as shit, the damn dental assistant kept trying to drown me lol. I had to wave off the dentist I don’t even know how many times, to get the incompetent ass assistant to suction all the drool and blood I kept friggin choking on. Im like why I gotta prompt you drain this shit? Dude, that’s your ONLY job! LOL Where do they find these people? LOL Then I gotta be the broad with the weak stomach, dry heaving and shit when I see all the blood get sucked up through the tube; had to close my eyes every time she did it and also when I rinsed with the mouth wash afterwards because I couldn’t stand the sight of all the blood in the sink….smh. Im sorry, Im not good with blood and that shit was just gross. Between the pain, the blood, and being hungry as shit, I started trembling and could barely hold the cup so little miss Everest College ended up having to hold it for me. I was mad lightheaded by the time we wrapped up, so they held me hostage in the waiting room for an extra 15 minutes to make sure I was ok.

I told them I was better just so they could let me go, but I spent the next 2 hours still dizzy, plus unable to talk because my bottom lip and jaw were numb and I kept feeling like I was drooling. Couldn’t drink the water they gave me, for the same reason. It kept spilling down my sweater lol – that is until I got smart enough to make use of one of the 800 straws in my desk drawer. That still wasnt fun because even though I was dehydrated and needed to drink it, it just tasted like fucken blood sauce cause my gums had been butchered to damn death. On multiple occasions I just knew she was gonna chisel a tooth clean out my mouth....smh. I was still starving but couldnt eat until the novacane wore off and then I was scared to even chew, thinking it was gonna be painful. I figured a croissant sandwich from Dunkin Donuts would be soft enough to deal with, but I was still afraid to bite into it, so I just tore pieces off lol. It was a pitiful sight, Im sure, but fuck it, it was good and the dizziness went away so whatever lol.

Not long after the novacane wore off, the headache set in, so I damn near OD'd on ibuprofen just to make it through the rest of the day. My gums feel swollen and a tiny bit tender but otherwise, Im fine now. Hella torturous but my teeth are dumb smooth, I can say that much lol. I still feel kinda wound up from all tension but hopefully this hot shower will help level me out. Just to think that this is only the FIRST of a series of fucken procedures I gotta have.....smh..... people, keep your dentist appointments, please. Dont be the asshole like me lol. It aint worth it.

I musta missed it

Still having these weird fucken dreams. This morning I woke up from talking to my brother in the middle of a residential street covered in food stamp books LMAO! They dont even make foodstamp books no more, do they? And they were all empty. It was just the front and back covers LOL. One of the dumbest things about the dream was that me and my brother had a whole conversation about some other random shit before anybody said anything about the food stamps all over the place LOL. But it wasnt weird to him because it turned out they were all his LOL. I asked about it and he started telling me about some great plan he and his wife cooked up which allowed them to rack up $3,000 worth to go shopping LOL.

smh...... that shit was stupid LOL.

There was more after that but totally to the left and I might need some therapy behind it as it is, so Im gonna spare yall all that. But dang, I thought I was done with these Quentin Tarantino ass dreams. Clearly, as much as I've worked through in the last month or two, I still aint quite figured something out. But God, you gonna have to have a little less faith in my deciphering skills cause on that last one, I give up LOL.

BTW

I never did go on that date with the light-skinned dude I cussed out a week or so ago. At this point I dont even remember why cause it was always some shit with him. In fact, I pretty much stopped answering his calls or replying to his texts after he bitched a fit while I was at LAX, talking about "I guess you didnt even think to call or text me." Im like ".....for what?" "To just say good morning or hello or see how Im doing or something."

*staringintothecamera*

Bitch, listen LOL..... I cant do sensitive muthafuckas. I just cant. If you gonna get all in your feelings cause Im not calling or texting you all the time, Im probably not your girl. Especially when I have kids I've been separated from for the last 4 days, and Im talking about CLEAN across the country. But Im supposed to call YOU? At 6:00 in the damn morning? LOL He just made me tired. Nigga had the nerve to text me a little while ago to say some shit like he just wanted to wish me luck in my search LOL. I aint respond to that shit either.

I stopped searching 2 weeks ago, when door #2 started SHITTING ON YOUR LIFE LOL

Jigga

I know there are people out there who don’t care for Jay-Z for whatever reason, and I respect your right to feel that way, but I’m sorry….. this nigga gives me my whole entire life. I don’t care if he never slang a bird in his whole entire 76 years on earth, if he stabbed a bitch for real or not or if he never even heard a gunshot, let alone popped one off himself …. This nigga flow gives me everything I’m looking for. All the stories could be entirely made up, it would not make one difference to me because every time this dude steps to a mic, its like somebody plugs me in to the nearest outlet and recharges my damn battery.

His concert from…. IDK, right before he fell out with Dame…. was on tonight on TvOne and OMG…. Me and the midgets had a party up in this bitch. This is the one concert I am mad as fuck I wasn’t at because he had EVERYBODY guesting. Foxy Brown, Missy Elliott, Ghostface, R. Kelly (R. Kelly!), Questlove, Mary J. Blige, Beyonce, Freeway, Beanie and Bleek (of course), Pharell and probably somebody else Im missing. I mean this dude had EVERYBODY in the spot. I aint partied like this since MJ’s 30th Anniversary joint.

Mannnnnnnnn….. music is that shit. Music can make you forget every-fucking-thing else going on in the world – babies dying, popes getting old, world endings, Im saying. I feel like I was fucken reborn tonight and I thanked Jesus 50-11 times from the start of this show til the end. Oh. Em. Fucking-gee. All Im saying is go buy some CDs. That’s it. This shit is effin ridiculous, so if there is some store or Amazon or Half or somebody that actually has this fucken concert on tape, PLEASE do yourself a favor and buy it. If you haven’t seen it or don’t see it, Im sorry, you just aren’t cool enough to be friends with me LOL. I won’t stand for it LOL.

Jaded

Another something I wrote that I just came across. Happens to be one of my faves.

**********




They asked me if there were any good men left in this city
And all I could think about was the man in the corner of the room
Light-skinned silence in a cashmere declaration of “Damn, he fine.”
And though he wasn’t mine I let my mind take me there
To that place where the first phone calls are long since past
And the only question left is if we can make this last
Like Keith Sweat, or better yet, that roll of laundry day quarters, if ya feel me.
But the more I looked, the more I saw the fantasy melt away
I arrived at that place where the cell phone would ring at all times of the night
And he’d be sliding outta bed to take her call uninterrupted
Running the water in the bathroom sink, thinking he slick like I cant still hear him
Sashaying through the door two hours late for a dinner I didn’t bother to keep warm
Then the more I thought and the more I dreamed away the years
I came to that place where accusations would fly right along with the good dishes
Where my better half now brings out the worst in me
And I’d rather work late than be home trying to explain
The concept of guilt breeding suspicion while he had his mind made up
Right along with the bed he just got out of
And meanwhile having had the opportunity to bring down the house on several occasions
But realizing that would leave no place for my greener grass to grow
I always passed.
Couldn’t tell him nothing though
Because of course, he just think he knows everything.
And I’d think about the fallacy of that road less traveled
How I turned from temptation and shit still came unraveled
Us being at odds making me want to get even
Oblivious to the idea of simply just leaving
So before you know it those old rainchecks get redeemed
And Im now just as big a bastard as you.
Sad how that works.
And even sadder is the fact that neither one of us even remember how we got here
But we know its not what we signed on for
And years of lust to love to distrust to hate just dissipate
Into two-letter prefixes that indicate a relationship past
Because we couldn’t make it last like Keith Sweat
And that roll of quarters stopped being enough for our dirty laundry
A long time ago
And as I pull myself from the imaginary world of making his fine ass mine
I look across the room and roll my eyes
At a man whose name I don’t even know and no longer care to
Simply because he is a man and after all
That tells me all I need to know…… right?

Decrazifying

Just going through some of my old Myspace stuff and decided to repost this in case anybody's soul is in need of a trip to the laundromat...

*************


So my friend emails me this morning telling me she thinks she’s going crazy. Actually, what she said was that she feels “so……..blah” but then subsequent responses included all the other components that equal “going crazy” LOL. She has been feeling kind of off balance for a little while now, not really being able to identify what the problem is. All she knows is she doesn’t feel right and she finds it hard to give a damn.

So we get to talking about other random shit and something happens in her world that isnt very significant, but she suddenly felt like crying. I told her she probably needed to.

See, this is how I see it (same thing I told her):

Our spirits are landfills for unstable energy from all the issues not dealt with, needs not filled, everything like that that we brush aside or decide not to deal with). At a certain point, your spirit cant handle any more of it, its too full of the unstable energy and those are the times when you feel like youre about to blow or are going crazy and don’t know why.

The simplest thing can make you feel like you are gonna kill somebody. You say to yourself “I swear to God if one more damn thing happens….” Please know one more thing will happen LOL.

But this is a good thing. Having a nervous breakdown is like pressing the RESET button.

See the problem is that youre trying to get a grip on yourself. If you happen to succeed, its only going to be temporary. In another couple of weeks, you are gonna find yourself in the same boat again. What you wanna do is let that last straw push you over the edge. Just make sure you aint gonna end up in the klink, LOL.

You want something to make you cry for no damn reason at all. When that happens, youre ready.

What youre gonna do is go home and prepare to detox. You will need a setup where there are no interruptions. Don’t turn the TV on, make sure the kids are gone or in the bed, and turn off your phones. Hop in the shower, put on something comfortable and go sit in your living room (and yes, it has to be your living room).

Turn on some music – not the radio, but an IPOD or media playlist or some CD’s you’ve made of music you like. This is important because if you cant put your finger on the problem, songs you like are bound to be the x that marks the spot. Pour yourself a drink, and if you smoke, light up. It is imperative that you clear your mind so that whatever is going to cross it can do so freely. At some point early in the game, you want to pray. Nothing all extravagant, just say a little prayer and call it a day. Even if you don’t say the right thing, God knows what youre after, He’s not stupid. He created the universe, give him a little credit, LOL.

Sit there and look around your living room while the music is playing. For some strange reason, your furniture and the way you have decorated your living room (along with the pictures of family and friends that are likely to be all around) get you thinking about your station in life and whether or not you are happy and where you wanna be. This is often the root of your problems. Keep listening to the music. Sing along. When the dumbest fucken song to ever cry about makes you wanna cry, you’re on your way, LOL.

Take note of the song and what it represents to you, and most importantly, keep crying. Sometimes songs remind us of a certain person or a certain time in our lives. If you can make the connection, then that is probably the biggest issue you need to deal with at that time. Sit back and think about it. Remember what happened. Address it all in your mind, the good and the bad, without trying to make sense of it. Think it through until there is nothing left to dissect. When you are done, you will find that a whole host of issue, past and present, are marching single file through your mind. See them, for they want to be seen.

When its all over, you will be exhausted, and probably drunk, LOL. You will go to bed and wake up in the morning drained – unless your on the accelerated path, in which case you will wake up feeling hella refreshed, throw on your workplace best and think you are the shit all day LOL. Either way, in less than 48 hours time, you will find yourself waking up somewhere between 3 and 5 am, with no desire to move. In most cases, youre awaking from a dream that includes one of the issues that passed through your mind during your detox, but when you open your eyes, whether you really remember the dream or not, you will feel wide awake and completely at peace. Lay there. The voice in your head is real – its God.

Now don’t get all crazy, God’s not gonna be preaching about burning bushes and commandments and what not. What you will hear will sound like your own thoughts. I think this is because God knows that humans are selfish and want to take all the credit for their breakthroughs, LOL.

Anyway, the purpose of this instructional manual is just to help those who may be in need of it. It helped my friend (and her sister, who she forwarded my advice to, LOL) and I think it might help some of you as well. I am off sabbatical, and I do take walk-ins, so if you need a personal consultation, feel free to lean. My couch is always open.

Mountains and Moments

This was the scene from the balcony of my hotel room a couple mornings ago. Not totally sure its fully carried in this photo but it was, without doubt, one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen with my own eyes. We worked hard all week with very little leisure time so I had to steal little moments like these wherever I could. Logistically, there seemed to be quite a few issues with the conference itself, but overall, it was a great experience. I got to go to California for the first time, stay in another awesome hotel with AMAZING food (I swear I feel like I gained 35 pounds LOL) and I got to meet a lotta heavy hitters in the insurance and finance game. The long-as-hell flight back to the east coast afforded me quite a bit of time to think and when I look over my life, I can feel nothing but blessed.

Truly.

Hell and high water - been through them both and back again - but everything I've done, every tough decision I've made and gut-wrenching experience I've endured has led me to this place Im at now. I still have a ways to go and so many things I still want to do but its experiences like this one that allows me to see through the fog of circumferential bullshit the world tries to inundate me with and realize how good I have it.

I sat on that balcony and just stared at this mountain with all those beautiful colors on the other side of it and said to myself that this is an image of me in so many ways that to account for them all here would make this the longest blog in the history of blogs LOL. Sometimes we spend so much time focusing on the mountain that we miss all those beautiful colors.... but you cant miss them. You cant. Because eventually the sun will come all the way up and all those beautiful colors will be gone and the best you can hope for is another day where maybe you might get to see it again. But some moments.... when they're gone, they're gone forever. You wont always get another shot.

Lose yourself.

Skeletons

I was online a few minutes ago and saw this ad on the side of the page. I never pay the ads any attention but something drew my eyes to it and I noticed the vague image of the skeleton. I stopped and stared at it for like 2 minutes thinking damn... When you think about the fact that everyone has this (basically) same rack of bones inside them, and then think about people that are extremely obese..... WOW. I dont think I can look at another big person and not see this skeleton in my head and just.... shudder.

WOW.

SUGAR!!

Clearly

Cali and Cussin

Blogging through a headache so allowances must be made. Im just sayin LOL.

Been a little busy, trying to get ready for this trip to Cali next week. It's work, so I wasnt really all that enthused about it at first, but I'm starting to look forward to it - everything but the flight. When you work one project for so long - many times being the only one working it - it kinda becomes your baby and you want to see it through to completion. I'll have that opportunity and be able to rub elbows with the big cheese I booked for the event. More than that, I'll be outta this fickle ass weather for a few days and with any luck, might actually get to spend some time on a beach with blue water. Or at least eat lunch outside LOL. I'll take it.

On another note, I had to cuss a nigga out a little while ago. We were supposed to go out today but I got caught up doing other shit and we ended up rescheduling for tomorrow. I'd been telling him all day long what I was doing and trying to estimate when I'd be done, but I told him even if I wasnt finished, I'd stop what I was doing to come out. He suggested we just do it tomorrow, and that was cool with me because at a certain point, I was tired and it just wasnt gonna happen. He texts me "Hmmm. Thats acceptable. But you standing me up for somebody else is unacceptable."

Uh.............huh? LOL

First of all, I agree with you. It would be kinda fucked up for me to bail on you to go chill with somebody else, but what would even make you say that right now? Have I not been in touch with you ALL DAMN DAY updating you on my progress? Were YOU not the one who suggested we just do it tomorrow? Where do the next nigga come in at? LOL But I had to stop and ask because in thinking about the comment, I felt like he was trying to insinuate that that is what I had done or was doing. His response was that he was just hoping that that was not the case. AGAIN, I been in contact with you ALL DAMN DAY LOL. When did this other nigga get here? LOL Or how long has he been in the bathroom? LOL Cause clearly Im not gonna sit here texting back and forth with you in the company of somebody else. Oh and then he adds "....because you could just be honest with me." Muthafucka WHAT? LOL Im a grown ass woman and believe me when I tell you I dont do anything I dont want to do and I have ZERO problem saying "you know, I just dont feel like it today." I just met you, I dont care if you spend the night salty with me cause I canceled LOL. I dont give a fuck if we NEVER go out. YOU blowing up MY phone ("done yet?" No, nigga LOL) just as you have been for the last two weeks, interrupting my work day with cute little smiley faces and "just thinking about you's" and shit, but now I'm shady, you needy bastard? Aint nobody got time for that LOL.

*exhale*

Im sorry. That mighta been too much LOL. But I cant stand for somebody to be all insecure like that and start reading all deep into shit. I mean where did that even come from under the circumstances? So anyway, I told him about himself and he apologized 6 times (yeah, 6 LOL) saying he didnt mean to offend me and he believes me. Gee thanks. Cause I wouldnt be able to sleep a lick tonight if you didnt.

*RME*

He just dont know. Ima still go tomorrow just because I said I would, but Ima probably cuss his ass out all over again LOL. See thats why I cant be fuckin with these light-skinned dudes. I dont think I've ever met one (under a dating pretense) I aint wanna punch in the face at some point LOL. I probably wanna punch every man in the face at some point, but Im talkin bout early in the game. They just get beside themselves. But that's cool, they can have my seat LOL.