Honest fear

I think people take for granted when they call me on the ledge that I just automatically know what to say to make it all better. Truth is when I get that call, I am terrified. Contrary to popular belief, I don't have all the answers and sometimes I don't even have the split second it takes to ask the Lord to guide me and give me whatever it is you need to hear to keep you from jumping. I just take a breath and start talking and hope He answers the beep. I am just a woman, yall. A person. Human, like you. I'm imperfect and don't always even know what I should be doing moment to moment, but because you trust me, I trust me, and I hope upon all hopes when I open my mouth that it serves you.

My mama called me tonight while I was in the middle of a conversation with my daughter about her day so she (my daughter) witnessed this chaos of very odd order first hand. I didn't even realize until about 5 minutes into it when I saw her face looking so intrigued as to what was transpiring. I almost sent her to her room until it hit me that she probably needed to see this. She probably needed to know that this thing I do is not at all easy. She needed to see me close my eyes and send that split-second prayer up for help. But most of all, she needed to see me take the time out to give somebody that 5 minutes that could make all the difference. My mom was angry and itching and losing her mind and had no real idea why. The instructions I gave her came out of nowhere but they helped and I can only thank the Lord for that. Had to be Him cause ya girl... yeah. No clue. And I was so afraid in that moment.... so afraid. But I think what helped most is being honest in that moment and just telling her I loved her and if she had no other reason to hang in there, just do it for me. That wouldn't work for all of yall LOL.... but thank God it worked for her.

I am so exhausted. In the last week I have had 5 "take em to Jesus" conversations. One of them was with myself LOL. Sometimes I am grasping at straws trying to pull you from the depths. One of my best friends called me this week with an issue that had me about an inch from calling her out her name LOL. I am frantic in these moments, yall. Its THAT important to me that you survive the night, so if you find your way into my call log, please be patient with me. I don't know what I would do if I failed you...