That Moment When....

....you find out your kid is fuckin.

Now I'm no dummy, I had an inkling that he might be. When I was coming up, most kids were having sex by their junior year of high school and kids today are a lot faster than most of us were. But the day your suspicions are confirmed, it's almost like the thought never entered your mind before the moment all doubt has been removed.

I like my son's girlfriend - she's cute and sweet and quiet..... yeah, I know. Anyway, I can tell she is as good a girl as they seem to get these days. I can tell she has that "mama" fear when I'm around - she won't even look me in the face most of the time, only speaks when spoken to, that kinda thing. She came over to hang out with him today, which is cool. They were in the living room, watching movies most of the time.

At some point I get up to start cooking and his room is right off the kitchen. I see they're in there. Not my preference, but the door is open and he's just showing her something. I do my initial food prep and go back to my room to answer my phone. As I hang up, I hear a door close - softly. I take my time strolling down the hall, back toward the kitchen, and though I shoulda kicked the bitch open, I gave the door a double tap before opening it, trying to spare myself the aneurism. The door hits him in the back, cause he's leaned up against it, and he kinda rolls around it to intercept me, like "yes, mom?" Don't fucken "yes, mom" me - as he rolls around, I see him adjust the waistband on his sweats and shorty spun off to the other side of the room, putting her back to me and APPEARING to be wiping her mouth. Sure, kisses get sloppy, but I didn't get the feeling that's what was happening. I was sort of dumbstruck in the moment, didn't really know what I was gonna do if the feeling came back into my arms and legs, so I'm glad I was paralyzed and could only manage the words, "I will kill you." He gave me the nervous, lord-dont-let-her-throat-punch-me-but-let-me-front-like-I-got-this-in-front-of-my-girl laugh and I shot him the "mama" I-will-fuck-you-all-the-way-up look and told them to bring they asses up outta there. She couldn't move fast enough and I knew she wanted to crawl up under the floorboards and die. They returned to the couch as I went back to cooking, contemplating the little talk he and I were DEFINITELY going to be having later.

I'm SUPER annoyed going back to my room, like.... I straight wanna punch him in the face. But I keep it cute, not so much because I don't want to embarrass him, but because I don't want to embarrass her. I'm in my room about an hour before I'm back in the kitchen to check on the roast and now he's tonguing her down on the couch. He sees me coming and pauses, giving me this dumb as look, which was met with a death stare of my own, but he clearly didn't get the message, because when I snuck a peak a few moments later, he was back at it. Now I'm fuming but I still don't want to set it off. I hold my mule. I finish dinner, girlfriend joins us and shortly thereafter, he goes to walk her to the bus. Very luckily for him, I've had time to calm myself and actually choose more productive words than those I was originally going to have for him, and when I called him into my room, I felt good about him not being carried back out on a gurney.

I kept it short and sweet, telling him although I expect his behavior outside of my presence to be representative of me, WHATEVER he might be doing out there, when he's in MY house, he is going to be respectful of my presence. That's not his room, its my room that I allow him use of while I am feeding and clothing him for the next year and a half of his life. I told him that I hope the kissing and cuddling is all he's doing but should that not be the case, I hope he is being responsible. He goes, "VERY responsible."

Enter cardiac arrest. I continue.

... and that because I do know other things could potentially be happening, if he needed me to provide him with means to be responsible.... "I'm good, mom. I got it."

*clears throat*

Okay. Get out.

For all those out there wondering, it doesn't feel better knowing. But I do appreciate the fact that he, in so many words, told me. I don't all the way know what I'm supposed to do now, or feel now, or.... drink now lol. Yeah, I definitely need a drink NOW.