On a Tuesday.....

It's been a month (and some change) I know. Stop acting like you ain't used to this shit by now LOL.

What's been going on? A lot. Not much of it has been blogworthy - or what I would deem to be something any of you would give a shit about LOL - but it's definitely been trying for me. In the last month, I have been tested in more ways than Bubba can make shrimp, let me tell you. I've been forced to question a lot of things in my life, in my thinking, in my station.... most of which I've come to some resolution about. Other things, not so much.

One issue I just came to terms with today. I was talking to my friend about wanting to get wooden blinds for my living room windows and I realized that I am afraid of my house LOL. Sounds crazy but it's true. If you have been around a while you know that it has been about 5 years since I moved to Jersey. The first year I was here I was working a contract job that wasn't sure if they wanted me here or in DC. For at least 8 months, I wasn't sure if I was going to stay here or be required to relocate to DC. That made me leery of doing too much with the place and having to figure out how to move it all. Then that contract ended unexpectedly and it took me so long to start working again that I thought I would have to move back upstate. Then for another year I was working a job that didn't really cover my bills and I didn't think I would be able to keep my place. After that, I started working where I am now and the money was a lot better but I had spent so much time in the "I might not be here long" mindset that I've been conditioned to feel that way. It's been 5 years in this joint and I still don't have a kitchen table LOL. Decorating or investing in fixtures forms an attachment and though it's not a conscious thought, I still haven't been able to come out of the fear of doing so. Even though I'm aware of this, it's hard to overcome. I've committed to taking baby steps to conquer this issue but the epiphany definitely set me on my heels. It really shouldn't be that big a deal but I think it's evidence of something deeper. Many things over the last 5 years have been temporary and it's bred fear in me.

That's a scary thing to address in yourself, that you're afraid....of everything.... when in actuality, you don't feel afraid of anything. You don't really CARE about anything. Being detached is a dangerous thing. Realizing your detachment is a defense mechanism for loss of control requires work on your part, and there is no way around it. You cant stay in that position once you acknowledge the defect. You cant. At least, I cant.

So I am on a journey to healing that and a few other areas I have stumbled across that have hindered my growth. In the last month I have also realized how far I come though and I am proud of my progression. There is something really big at the end of this thing, I know it. I just have to have the courage and strength to look my reflection in the eye and confront what I see looking back at me.

I got stories, yes. They will come slowly, but they will come. I haven't been writing at all but I feel it coming on.... slowly.